For Him

2011-10-24T19:20:00.000-07:00

I read back through a few posts, looking for something. And i read the post about Alix coming home to have her baby. I honestly thought God had answered my prayers and full filled his promise to reunite us under better conditions.

Well things actually became worse. Alix had her baby - A beautiful baby boy called Daniel [DJ]. But instead of buckling down & learning to be a good parent, she just wanted to go back to her old life and leave me to look after Daniel. I tried to guide her, encourage her and teach her without bossing her around. But it was just too hard for her. When Daniel was 5 weeks old, and it was the middle of winter, she moved out to sleep on a friends couch. A friend who lives in a tiny house with indoor smokers, and the plan was to leave DJ sleeping in the pram next to her all the time. She tried to take DJ but i wouldn't let her, so she called the Police and tried to have me charged with kidnapping.

The Police came and made us let DJ go with her, because it was her legal right. But they also lodged a DOCS report against Alix. A week later Daniel was taken from Alix by child services. They asked us if we'd be willing to raise him until Alix sought the help she needed [that they would provide]. We agreed and it's now 18mo later. Alix didn't do what was asked of her and actually signed him over to us during a DOCS meeting.

In that 18mo Alix has moved back and forth to different states and her contact with DJ has dwindled to nothing.

Alix and i have been on and off talking terms too many times to count. I even had to completely disown her at one stage because she'd only talk to me if she was drunk and/or stoned [a lot] and she'd call me to say really nasty things about what a shitty mother i am.

But through all that, i still trust in Gods promise, and i still believe he is answering my prayers. It's just a progressive work. I believe Alix will come back into the family, a changed woman for the better. A lovely, devoted Christian woman [And my bestie] had a dream that Alix will come back when she's 30. She wasn't sure if she had that mixed up with something else, But it's all good. I can wait :o)

And as for Daniel? He's a very adventurous, active and loved little boy who wants and needs for nothing! When the time comes when he asks why his mum isn't raising him, he doesn't need the details. I'll just tell him that she wasn't stable enough to be able to and that she loves him as much as she knows how.

2011-09-07T20:45:00.000-07:00

I have a real problem with Bear Grylls. I have a problem with people who eat things while they are still alive when it's easy enough to kill them first. I hate how he takes what he wants and leaves the rest. I saw an episode where he grabbed a large catfish out of the water, gouged a large handful out of its side to eat, then left the rest of the fish...and it was still alive. Stunned, but alive. I have even gone as far as to think [and say] there is something satanic about what he does. I realise his show is about survival [his survival anyway] but how does eating things while they are alive help him 'survive'?
And everyone just loves him. WHY??? I'm always telling people they need thier head read for being entertained by what he does.
So imagine my absolute HORROR when i walked into church one day, and THIS was on the far wall?!?

It makes me sick

2011-07-25T22:51:00.001-07:00

This week i have had an awful cough/cold. I'm fine while i'm sitting up, but as soon as i lie down, i have massive coughing fits that can last up to two hours T_T
The night before last, i prayed when i went to bed, that God would stop the cough so i could get a good nights rest. And you know what? I didn't cough once all night. But i had a crappy nights sleep because i kept waking up, expecting to cough.
So God answered my prayer, and then i expected him to default on it. How dumb is that!?!

2011-06-10T18:49:00.000-07:00

And now it's been another year. Gee i'm slack! [I don't think anyone reads this blog anyway]
What a year. So many ups and downs and blessings!
Alix had a baby boy, Daniel [or DJ] and then thought she could just get her old life back. 5 weeks later he was removed from her care and placed with us until she proved she could parent him properly. We resigned ourselves to the fact that we will probably raise him ourselves. He's now a year old and still with us. Alix is living in another town and does her own thing. She doesn't visit DJ. I take him to her whenever i go to that town [half an hour away]
DJ is a willful, loud & adventurous little boy and i'm surprised we all survived the first year lol
But he's definitely one of us. I couldn't imagine life without him. So the last year has been quite busy for all of us, adjusting to life with a baby.
I turned 40, still trying to get healthy [baby steps]
My relationship with God has really grown, and that's the best bit :o)
I started doing a scripture journal challenge over at Faith Sisters at the beginning of the year. Here are a few of the pages i've done.

2010-05-08T05:39:00.000-07:00

Wow, i can't believe it's been over a year since i've been here! Stuff has happened between God and i, and i've thought about writing about it here. But i just haven't been as committed to this blog as i have some of my others. Is that a reflection on my walk with God, where it's at and my priorities? Honestly...maybe :o/
When i write here, i feel closer to God. So i will step it up a bit.

This post will be about Alix, My oldest daughter....

Alix left our home when she was 14, to go and live with her Dad in another state [her choice]. Alix had always been a demanding, whiny, draining and rebellious kid And we constantly butted heads. Hence our relationship has always been strained.
When she went away, i worried. God made me a promise though, that she would come back, things would be different, and for the better.
I struggled at times to have faith in that promise. To cut a long story short, Alix had a relationship with a man 3 times her age, quit school, started living on the city streets - sleeping in shop exits. Begged for drug,booze & food money. Mutilated her face by deeply cutting it up in a drunken stupor. Slept with anyone who'd have her, and got pregnant to who knows who.
She asked me if i'd take the baby. She wanted to move back home, have the baby and leave it here. Then move back to the city, alone. At first John and i said we would. But then we changed our minds because of various reasons.

Alix moved home and she was different. Confused, scared and a little disorientated, but overall she had changed for the better. A bit quieter, not so easy to anger and a bit easier to reason with. Another big change was in me. I had had enough time away from her where i had developed patience with her. It was like God had helped me to see the heart in her that he sees, and for the first time in her life, i can appreciate her to some degree, and actually enjoy being with her half the time. Things are still tender, but defiantly on a healing road. Like a seemingly dead plant with a fresh, new green sprout coming up from the roots!

I think the baby has a big part to do with it too. Because he's something that i can relate to her with. And he is something she needs me with. So he is like a bonding gel that God has used to bring us back together.

I can not put into words how grateful to God i am for this awesome situation! Like a mother hen with her chickens all gathered together, i feel complete as a mother.
So many nights i lay in bed and wondered if God really was going to move on the situation. But he would whisper to me, repeating his promise. I would confide in him that even though i wasn't sure, i would lay all the faith i had out to him and trust him with it.
I see now that Alix had to go through all that crap. She has an extreme personality and had to experience extreme things.
When she came home, she said how she loved being here where she knew she was loved and wanted. Something she had forgotten, living on the streets where people only 'loved' you when you had something they wanted.
Since she's been home, she's been going to church and bible study etc, and soaking it all up.

Over the last two weeks, she's had to go to the next town for blood tests etc due to complications with the pregnancy and she's been feeling quite vulnerable, open and raw. We've spent a lot of close traveling time together and had some awesomely open conversations that i thought we'd never have! I've gotten to know different aspects of Alix and I've seen more of myself in her at that age than i thought was possible. At the same time, she's realised that she can trust me enough to talk about personal things that she didn't think she could before.
It's all just so awesome, and i can't express my gratitude enough!

2009-04-15T22:28:00.000-07:00

Two weeks ago we went on a holiday to the Gold Coast. While there we went to a TimeZone [a game arcade place] and there was one of those pain-in-the-butt claw machines full of Nintendo characters. Well, Luigi from Mario Bros is Jasons fav all time game character. Followed closely by Mario. Jason wanted one of those toys SOOOOOOO bad that he prayed earnestly to God that he would get one from the machine that day.
Well he didn't win one, John didn't win one for him, and i couldn't win one. But Rose, using her own money, won him not only a Luigi, but a Mario as well.
That was a great lesson for Jason, and i hope he remembers it!
If we ask God for something, he will answer. He knows the desires of our hearts and wants us to be happy. And he usualy doesn't answer in the way we think he will, and if his answer is in our favour, more abundantly than we expect.

I'm sure God was smiling on this face :o)

2009-03-19T18:47:00.000-07:00

I was conversing with a friend via e-mail earlier today, and we got onto the topic of immaturity in me.
I responded with this....

"I know people see me as immature and/or annoying and that's perfectly ok with me. I don't really have any people skills and i find that unless i'm being "funny and silly", hence amusing people, then i have nothing valuable or worthwhile to offer the table. It clouds my lack of knowledge, conversation skills, and intelligence. It's a long standing habit now.I think John is the only person who has ever seen the "real" me.I know that sounds dumb but that's why i find it difficult to believe it when awesome people like Glenda say that everyone loves me.

I've never said or written any of that down before.I've never actualy acknowledged it. It actualy hurt to say it, a lot!
How bizarre
I better go and eat something, drink something, or create more clutter to bury that emotion back into huh? :o)"

I don't even know why i said all that to this person. But i had such an outpouring of emotion. I cried and cried and it probably took me half an hour to write that little bit. [They haven't responded to that e-mail yet]
It was like God had opened a can of worms inside me and i needed to get it out in order to deal with it. But now i feel a desperation to eat something or quickly get into a movie [or write a blog post] so i don't have to think about it.
I appreciate it when God points out that something in me needs to change. But this is different somehow and i don't think i'm ready to look at it.

2009-03-06T00:37:00.000-08:00

My mum died about 10 years ago, and i've been angry with her ever since, to a certain degree. I know i shouldn't feel the way i have, but i sorta can't help it, or more to the point, didn't want to address it.
At the moment, the women's group in our church is doing a study on the "mother heart". And in part of the study, we were asked " What did our mother do for us, that we are thankful for?" Well that was a bit in-your-face for me. I've been thankful for her giving me life, raising me, feeding me, yadda yadda. But this was different. What one thing are we thankful for?

Well, it's no secret that i'm a bit odd. Anyone who knows me will tell you that. I've always been odd and i've never seen things quite like anyone else does.
My mum has always been aware of my oddness and embraced it. When i would come home from school crying, because i just didn't fit in anywhere, Mum told me that everyone else was missing out by not being my friend. I never quite 100% believed that [still don't], but it was awesome that 1 person accepted me for who i was, and she actually enjoyed my company. She made me feel like, as long as she appreciated me for who i was, everyone else could go jump!
Mum made it ok for me to be weird. She taught me that being myself, being true to myself, was important.
Now i'm 38 and still the odd one, but i'm comfortable with that. I accept that i'll never fit in anywhere. If i haven't by now, i'm never gonna! And it's ok :o)
It's been the story of my life, and once i realised that it was the one thing that i am extremely thankful to mum for, my heart toward her started to soften.
I am grateful to mum for giving birth to me, raising me, feeding me etc. But i'm REALLY grateful for her teaching me that it's ok to just be me. That is a lesson that i keep learning from as i get older.....

2008-12-16T13:17:00.000-08:00

I found this "secret" over at Post Secret and it has really inspired me to do the same thing, to random people and in random situations. So thank you to the person who sent this secret in, thanking the person who wrote it [eer yea] :o)

2008-11-11T23:25:00.000-08:00

<---About 2 years ago we borrowed the DVD "Sponge bob goes prehistoric". Jason has every Sponge bob DVD as he adores Sponge bob and we don't get to see him on tele.
But when we found that he didn't have the mentioned DVD and borrowed it, for some reason i decided to illegally copy it.

I'm not into copying stuff as a rule. In fact i openly oppose it. DVDs are cheap enough these days so there's no reason to "steal" them.
The only reason I'm happy to burn a movie is if it can't be found to buy.

So i don't know why i decided it was a good idea to burn the Sponge bob DVD. Maybe i felt that we'd bought every other one so we deserved a freebie? I don't know. But this DVD haunted me! As soon as we burnt it i regretted it. So in my head i promised God that i will buy the DVD when i see it in a store.
So a couple of months goes by and i see it in K-Mart, but I'm kinda short on cash so maybe next time...
Then a while later i see it in BigW, but I'm in a hurry so maybe next time...
Then i see it again in K-Mart. I look at it, feel guilty, but walk away anyway.
Each time i feel more and more like crap when i walk away. The little voice in my heart says, "You made a promise..."
A couple of weeks ago Jason, Rose and I were in BigW. I saw the DVD and this time i couldn't leave it there so we bought it.
We have a lot of DVDs, but i gotta say that this one is now my prized one!

Isn't that a weird little story? lol

2008-11-04T17:39:00.000-08:00

I have a few Christian themed T-shirts that i wear for what i call "token evangelism". I didn't wear any to work for the first 6 weeks as it's a close environment and i wanted people to see me as the relatively easy going, every day person i am rather than be afraid to speak to me at all because i look like a bible basher.
I wore my shirt with the above print a week ago. People were a little taken back by it and most tried to pretend they hadn't even seen it, even though i knew they had just read it [either that or a lot of people checked out my boobs carefully that day lol] And i came home happy to know that i'd let people know i was a Christian without a word being said about it.
Then i went back to wearing my usual one liner T-Shirts.
Today i wore the Christian shirt again. Just before the first break i said a little prayer in my head, "Please God, people should feel easy enough around me now. Let my shirt stir curiosity and let people feel comfortable and willing to bring up the subject of you and let me have the right words to answer them."
Then we went to our break and afterwards i moved to a new item to pack [Coz i was bored with the previous item. We do it a lot] Less than 5 minutes into it, the woman [about 21yo] next to me [who i've only spoken to briefly once before, and about the town tart] said to me, "Have you heard of Hillsong?" I said i had and i'd been there once. And she said " I grew up in Hillsong. My parents pushed that way of life onto me so much that now i just don't want anything to do with it." I said " What do you have the most problem with?" And she said "Well for starters, i just don't get the 10 commandments. They are impossible to keep." And i started with "Ok well that's where Jesus comes in......." And the lady packing behind me started listening in too, but tried not to look too obvious.

I was really surprised at how quickly that all happened. I'm still a bit taken back by it.
Thanks God, for the opportunity. That was awesome and i can see a few doors opening there! WooHooooooo!!!

2008-10-23T16:00:00.000-07:00

Today i worked really hard. I moved the product faster than I've ever moved. I missed my second dose of pain killers for the day and i worked for 8 hours on my feet.
Now i am home. My feet hurt, my back hurts, my knees hurt, my fingers are numb and I'm tired...so tired.
But praise God i have a job, a good job with good, honest pay and I'm going back tomorrow to do it all again! Bring it on! *
*
Seriously...it's totally awesome! :o)

2008-10-16T19:47:00.000-07:00

I love spring! I love the way the garden comes alive, and i wait for three whole seasons of the year for this one. Where the fruit of my garden labour is rewarded. And each new flower reminds me of Gods love. It's like he hand painted each one. I thank God when a plant blooms, as if it were a gift just for me. Because i feel blessed just to see it :o) I don't let the kids pick my flowers because they belong in the garden, a giving vase.
All spring the garden is in flower, and all season it is just like God has laid out a visual banquet and said, "Here you are Sharron, because i love you."

Yes i realise that sounds very sappy but it's just the way it it ok?!? lol

2008-09-29T22:46:00.000-07:00

At my new job i have had a bit of juvenile trouble from another woman who calls herself a Christian. I spoke to a couple of women in the church about it and one suggested that it might be a case of Satan using her to rob me of my joy of working. Satan doesn't want me in a position to grow as a person so he'll jab into my side where he can.
The other woman said that when our circumstances change, so do the attacks.

Yesterdays church message was about believing we are how God sees us. We read/hear the words, but do we believe them in our every day life?
Friday at work was hard for me. I came home absolutely spent! So this morning, on the way to work, i prayed that i would see myself how he does and i would have a great day at work and have joy in it.

...then it was bloody horrible!!! It was a great day till after lunch. Then i got moved to the beginning of the production line, packing meat that was sticking together, into boxes that were moving too fast. I kept fighting to keep the boxes still while the box guy was pushing them harder along, despite my please for him to slow down. I asked my supervisor to move me to a less speedy spot, but he dismissed my request and told me to deal with it.
Cutting a long story short i ended up letting my boxes get away from me and i got overwhelmed and started crying out of frustration.
I told the supervisor i was going to the loo and i walked away.
I sat in the bathroom till i composed myself and i called John so he could make me feel better, which he did :o) I felt really stupid and defeated. Everyone else was able to do the job so why couldn't i keep up?
I walked back into the factory [where everyone now knew i'd been crying and i'd run off]
and i apologised to my supervisor. He gave me the job of breaking up boxes and helping the packers. Some of the women were not happy at my "Princess fit" and made no effort to hide it.
I couldn't wait for the day to be over when i could just run home to the safety of my family and cry into my pillow.

But after i left work and had time to think about the situation, I realised that even though what i felt there today was horrible and the events that led to it were yucky, it was actually a good thing. God heard my prayer and was working on it before i had even finished asking. Satan heard my prayer as well, and done his best to make me fail. He wanted me to feel the frustration and be overwhelmed. He wanted me to feel like a failure and use the little window i had to quit and walk away. Away from the job and back to being a bored housewife with feelings of personal financial inadequacy.

So if he's going to go to all that effort to sabotage my new life, What God has planned for me must be REALLY awesome!!! WoooHooooooo!!!

2008-09-20T19:44:00.000-07:00

I have been trying to find a regular job for the past 10+ years. There's always jobs to be had sure, but i couldn't find one that worked around Johns rotating roster.

Our kids go to a small country school with no bus [at the moment] so i needed a job that was during school hours as well. Bit of a double whammy there huh?!?

I have tried things like pizza delivery and mystery shopping. But neither make enough money to pay the bills. If anything, they encouraged extra spending! So i've spent all this time feeling like i'm not contributing anything worthwhile towards the running of the house, especially when we've gone through hard times, and therefore a failure :o/

I tried to think of reasons in my head as to why God saw it fit for me to be unemployable, because i trusted that even though my circumstances were tricky, He could work around that! After 10 years i was getting quite disheartened :o(

Then a mother of two kids at our school started working for a Christmas hamper company. I asked if there were any more jobs out there, and she said there was and told me who to call.

I got straight onto that! I went for an interview and filled out the paperwork ETC. The job woman told me i should have some work soon, but about 3 weeks went by with no starting date. One day she called to say i was starting on a certain day, so i got all excited and set to go to work, and as i was walking out the door, she rang to say they didn't need me at that stage. I got soooo depressed over that! I really felt stupid! I called the lady back a few days later and asked [not in so many words] if she was just stringing me along, because i wasn't emotionally prepared for that at the moment.

She assured me that i was on her list and i'd be starting any day.....yea ok whatever. And then i resigned myself to the fact that i'd never be working for this company and i moved on.

Then..yesterday i got a call at about 10am. The lady asked me if i could start work that afternoon. Of course i said yes!

I turned up at the factory and started work. I praised God whilst there and thanked him for the opportunity. Then i prayed over the hampers and the people that would be receiving them during the shift.
Afterwards i was given more shifts for next week and it looks like i'll have steady work there from now till Christmas [and maybe longer]. I'm soooooo excited! It's awesome! :o))

Thanks God, for not giving up on me :o)

2008-09-07T23:27:00.000-07:00

Tonight i'm sure i met an angel! For the last 6 weeks or so i've been going to AA meetings. [I believe God wants me there but why is another post.]
There was a new guy there and he seemed to fill the room with positiveness. When he spoke his eyes looked straight through you, but they were kind eyes.
He spoke about how doing things that were positive and for other people are the way to beat the disease. He talked in sevens-7 days, 7 hours etc.
He is a traveler who works in construction. He said he had been sober for 28 years and this was his second AA meeting.
He was gentle yet his voice demanded attention, and you couldn't help but smile as he spoke.
He was awesome. And either he was an angel, or he was the most charismatic man i've ever met!
I drove home just thinking about his presence and it was a comfort.

I feel sick and don't want to type anymore so i'm going to bed.

2008-06-26T12:35:00.000-07:00

Today i realised something. When i was a young teenager, I was primarily into gay music. I loved Frankie Goes To Hollywood and their music blatantly promotes gayness. Although i didn't realise that at the time. It was all innocent to me.
About two years ago i bought the Frankie "best of" CD, and even though I'm now aware of the lyrical gayness, i still hear it as i did when i was 13-15, all about innocent stuff.
I also liked Bronski Beat a lot. I wore the cassette tape out and it was only recently that i decided to buy it again, on CD.
It arrived this morning [eBay transaction] and of course i put it straight in the CD player. Well i don't remember them being so blatantly gay in their music either! But i still heard what i did when i first listened to them.
However, that's not the reason for this post. The reason is:
I realised that it was Bronski Beats song, "It ain't necessarily so" that raised the very first spark of curiosity about the bible in my life.
Funnily enough, the song questions the bibles content, so, Eh?
It's an awesome thing when God can use my love of an openly gay band, and a song that defies his very word, to plant a seed that would eventually lead me to him.
It would be another 13 years before i gave Jesus my heart.
It was awesome to hear that song and realise that, that's what started it. And even though the song isn't a good one to listen to in a Christian walk, I'll always appreciate it :o)

2008-04-15T09:19:00.000-07:00

Ditto with the food...Doh!

2008-03-25T04:41:00.000-07:00

As hard as it is to admit, I have relapsed a little with the alcohol.
I was doing great, really great. Then i slipped up once...then a second time...then a third, and before i knew it i was thinking about it all the time again and looking for excuses to drink. [Over a period of about 3 weeks]
I need to believe that i can't drink ever again. I can't allow myself the luxury of thinking that i might slip, because then i look for the reason to slip.
I know why this happened too - I took God out of the picture. When i first gave him the drinking and quit, it was all good. Then i stopped giving it to him, and now look?
I need to go back to the basics and start again. I can't do it without God.

2008-03-18T15:16:00.000-07:00

I have just been through a spiritual attack.

Since i started changing my life style habits and getting healthier, my life is getting more and more on track in lots of areas. I'm growing closer to God, and with the help of my Pastors wife, i've put together a little support group based on the book.

I decided to put that group together to bring the light of Gods word to other fatties.The spirit of overeating is a very strong bondage. One that keeps people down. Not part of Gods plan at all.

And Satan doesn't like it, and he's done his best to make me trip and fall on my face.

I'm convinced that he tampered with the scales at the slimmers club. At a crucial time in my new path, the scales started playing up. Giving different weights that were all over the place. It happened for 3 weeks in a row, but only for me, not anyone else. I was disheartened as i felt i wasn't accomplishing anything, but i kept doing the right things and after the 3 weeks, Satan gave up. He wasn't winning with his usual whispering in my ear, things like: "You can't do it. You never could before and you never will, so just quit already!" I didn't believe that for the first time, because i had God's word saying otherwise.

So he tried a new tactic. I got sick with debilitating fatigue and i didn't realise it was him at first.

It lasted about 2 weeks, but i still didn't give up my new habits. No matter how crappy i felt, i still got on my treadmill every day and ate really well, preparing healthy meals. Then i got better about a week before going to Hillsong colour conference. He attacked me there too, but that's a different post! [Just with one distraction after another]. Then we came home and the horrible fatigue started again. At first i thought that it was just taking a while to get back into sleeping habits, but i soon realised it was more than that. And it was getting more and more repressing! I went to a freinds place for a girly night and i told her i didn't know how long i could say because i felt so yucky. Then i wasn't going to go to church the following day because it was so bad. But at the last minute i decided to go, mostly to get prayer!

During the service, the Pastor opened the alter for people who hadn't been baptised in the Holy Spirit, and i went up.

Well, as soon as Pastor Graeme prayed for me, the fatigue left me like a lifting cloud, and i haven't felt it since. That's what tells me it was Satan.

That amuses me because after we realise we've just been attacked, Satan allways looks like an idiot lol

Pastor Graeme said last week [i think] that if we were challenged to a fight with something and we new beforehand that we already had the victory, Would we take the challenge? Of course we would.

I'm aware that Satan doesn't want my life to improve, or get closer to God, or help other woman get control over their bad habits. But the war is won, and if i keep standing firm with God, Satan can't do very much damage, because i'll be onto him faster.

Sorry Satan, but i'm taking control back :oÞ

P.S you suck!

2008-03-04T11:24:00.000-08:00

I did it. I gave my drinking to God, and he made it relatively easy for me. I haven't had a drink since Feb 18. I'm calling that date "the first day of the rest of my life." I got Rose to take some photos of me, i scrapbooked them and titled the page, "The last day i looked like this."I just need to keep giving the addiction to God every day.

In stepping out in faith & trusting God with my two worst addictions, he has replaced them with something that nothing else could fill me with - True joy - as only God can. I've always looked at the Christian words together, "Joy, Peace & Hope" and thought nothing special of it. But now i know that when we truly inject God into our circumstances, that is what he injects..Joy, Peace & Hope

2008-02-14T18:57:00.000-08:00

With this book [ i know, if you read one more thing about the book, you'll just die right!?!]
I have found the food to be relatively easy. I can sacrifice a meal [lunch] and i can do what the book says that God asks.
But God is asking me for something else. He is asking me for the booze.
He wants what i want. He wants what i'm finding the hardest to give up.
*
When i joined Weight watchers 5 years ago, i gave up the food habits relatively easy. But i took up booze in it's place.
5 years on and i'm still struggling with the booze. Struggling every single day in fact.
Now that i'm reading this book, God has bought a few things to light. I have done everything the book asked where foodis concerned.
God is asking me to apply the same principles, but in regards to the addiction to alcohol. And i feel very scared about that. I know the booze will eventualy kill me [the amount i drink] But am i ready to apply those same principles?
I give my booze to God every other day. I ask him to help me with my addiction.
But he is saying that the way he wants to help me is for me to apply the book principles to it.
I am scared. I'm scared that "i" will fail. I'm scared to inject God into it. I'm scared i'll give it to God, and then i'll take over using my own understanding.
I am scared at the thought of never having booze again. I'm scared that i won't have a goal. Like thinking things like," i just have to make it to the end of this week".
I feel like Gods is asking me to give it to him completly.. all of it. And i'm scared...very scared.
It's a book about being free from overeating. And God wants something else. I want to do what he is asking. but seriously....how? How do i do that? Oh my goodness, this is serious life changing stuff!!

2008-02-06T14:36:00.000-08:00

Since i started reading that book [I know right? Enough about the book already! lol] I've really being taking ground back over my life, Ground that satan was controlling for years. And he doesn't like it one little bit!
In the past, i've given up on healthy life changes quite quickly. I do really great untill i hit a brick wall, then i just give up and dwell in my own pool of shame & failure.
But this book has changed my life....forever. I can never go back now that i've learnt what i have within it's pages. With every chapter i get more and more liberated with both over eating and the booze]. And seen as it is full of the living word, i can [and do] read over a chapter again & again, and get something new out of it!
But satan knows me very well, and he doesn't want to lose that control in my life. So he has been attacking me left, right and centre! I didn't realise just how much he had to do with my past "failures" with dieting, untill i read how he does it in this book.
But now that i expect him to try and take that ground back, he can't surprise me...or win.
*
Because of the awesomeness of this book based on Gods word, i feel the need to share it. So i'm starting a support group based on the book.
That'll really tick satan off!
*
But on Monday i weighed myself and found i'd gained. I weighed myself twice more and all three times gave a different reading. All realistic ones, a few kilos apart, but different none the less.
I left my slimmers club feeling deflated. Not "give up" deflated, but shocked at the idea of gaining [a lot of] weight after all my efforts [we stuck with the first weigh in result]. I'd been soooo good! These scales have never failed me before, so why were they playing up now?
*
But i came home and thought about it and thought about it and thought some more...
...Is it really, really unreasonable to think that satan could have been playing with those scales in order to get me to trip, lose confidence in the word, and go back to my old ways? Is that really a possibility? I think it might be. I mean, he's done worse and more complicated things.

Well i haven't tripped or lost confidence in the word, and my old ways are even further behind me! My mission is to get healthy according to what God says, And if the scales say that the "proof isn't in the pudding" one week, too bad!

Sorry satan, but i serve a living God, not his toilet paper!

2008-02-01T14:18:00.000-08:00

From that horrible spiritual place i was at only a month ago, My life has had a complete turn around.
I leaned on God and refused to let go through my darkest hour, and he has and is working wonders in my life!
Little things here and there. The best way to discribe it is, it feels like new little baby branches reaching for the sun in between the old familiar branches. They'll eventualy get larger and stronger than the old branches, and the old branches will gradualy be in the distant shade.

Thank you God, for never leaving me. For always being what you promised.

2008-01-25T23:16:00.000-08:00

I've just gone on a family holiday and while away, and i don't know what bought it on, i realised that i don't like my life.
I sat watching John talk to my brother-in-law [about nothing in particular], and like scales falling from my eyes, i just decided that i'm not happy with the way things have turned out in my life. I'm not happy with me. I appreciate the form and make up that God has given me, But i feel that he's taken another step forward in a healing process in my life.
Like cutting away dead branches of a tree, He's shown me that what needs to change in my life is an overhaul. A complete overhaul. And it started that day.

2008-01-20T14:26:00.000-08:00

I really love this picture! lol

At church this morning i went up the front for prayer after the service. The service was about us being as close to God as we chose. And i know i shut Jesus out a bit. It's always unintentional until i look back on the situation.
As our paster prayed for me, God showed him that i close him [Jesus] out. In fact, sometimes i shut and lock the door. And stand behind the door so Jesus can't get in at all!
Our paster prayed for me to be more open to getting closer to God.
Then afterwards, The pasters wife told me that there had been a prophecy about me. Apparently this will be a big year of growth for me. And i will go from being a follower to being a leader in the church.
At the moment, that kinda freaks me out. But I trust Gods word, and look forward to seeing this unfold :o)

2008-01-15T22:24:00.000-08:00

I have stumbled in my mission.
I have to say this, before i forget how i feel.
I'm sorry God. I'm sorry i'm like this. I'm sorry for throwing this in your face.
I was making so much progress with the gift you gave me, untill i fell flat on my face. But i will get back there, with your help, and only with your help.
Please forgive me for the ugliness i've made it. And please help me do better tomorow. Right here and now, God. I give tomorow to you. And the next day, and the next.
I'm sorry, Really i am.

2008-01-12T20:23:00.000-08:00

We did it. Between God and i, he helped me go a week with no alcohol, withdrawel free. I fasted the alcohol and offered it up to God as a sacrifice, in order for him to help me over come the adiction to alcohol. He asked me not to use the drugs that take the withdrawels away, as i couldn't fuly rely on him while taking them. So i didn't. And the week went relatively desire free.
I drank tonight, But tomorow morning i'll talk to God about what he wants from me, from this point, in regards to the alcohol.
He has shown me that with him, i can do it.
*
I have been fasting lunch. So i haven't been eating anything from lunch till dinner except water.Instead, i've been giving it to God to sew to the spirit in order for me to be healed of the spirit of over eating.
It is getting easier, a lot easier than i thought it would be. And i have to say, Without God, i couldn't do it at all!

2008-01-06T22:10:00.000-08:00

I am still fasting that lunch - dinner period. To a person who doesn't battle with a long term problem with food, this may not seem like a real sacrifice. But to me it is, it's what i can offer right now. By 5pm i'm nearly ready to eat a horse!
As it get's easier, i will give God my lunch as well :o)
God has also asked for the alcohol to be fasted in larger blocks- without using that medication that eases the withdrawals. I was a bit scared about that, but i have done as he asked. At the moment it's for a week. I would have gone longer, and i still may do. He wants me to deal with my habits while leaning on him, not drugs or my own strength. He wants me to trust him to sort it out. And i am more than ready to surrender my addictions to him!
In putting these things into action, God is healing another area of my life - The clutter.
As i'm not nibbling during my nominated fast time, i have to keep busy to keep my mind off food. So i'm cleaning up clutter.
*
I'm still not sure how this fasting business works. I don't know what to expect from God. I have given everything over to him, and he is helping me sacrifice to him. But it's definatly a day by day thing.

I haven't told John about my fasting. And i think he's confused as to why i don't want any booze when he offers. I just told him i need a few good nights sleep [whitch is true, but it's a side issue]

On another note, My younger brother [he's 25] has not long got out of prison for fraud. He's getting his life together and has gotten involved with his local Salvation Army, and is going to church regularly. A leader at the church found that he knows Dad from when their kids were younger. And he's sent Dad around something in the mail about salvation. Dad thought that was kinda amusing, but i know it's answered prayer, and a great start!

That is soooooo awesome!

2008-01-02T17:41:00.000-08:00

This is the book i've been reading, and it has really opened my eyes. I firmly believe this book was sent to me by God, And it was in his timing that i started reading it. I believe God inspired the writing of this book, and it is the tool he intends using in my life, to heal my addictions.
Dispite the title, God has also been using this for my alcohol problem as well.
There is a chapter on daily fasting - something i've never considered.
Yesterday i fasted between breakfast and dinner. I wasn't sure what to do in that time. I prayed and read the bible when i was hungry, then i fell asleep for 4 hours! [I'm sure that's not part of the plan]
I decided that was too long, So today i fasted between lunch and dinner [my nibbly period]. I was hell bent on drinking today, but i vowed to God not to drink untill John got home and we had dinner. [usualy i can hold out untill about 2-3pm at the latest!]
I hope i'm going about this the right way. I'm sacrificing things to God - Things i struggle with for an agreed period of time.

2007-12-19T23:25:00.000-08:00

I started that medication, and it really does help with the desire to drink! It's only been two days though, so we'll see.
Then...I picked up a book from my kitchen bench that had been sitting there for weeks, since i bought it at our local Christian book shop. It's called "The Diet Alternative"I started reading it and was quite shocked at what the bible says about all this. The author, Diane Hampton, talks about the "spirit of overeating" being the same spirit that causes us to drink. She talks about how we have to repent and free ourselves of that spirit, otherwise we'll never be free. Etc etc etc.
I can't help but think that these two circumstances [the drug and the book] have been bought together at the same time, at this time.
I will keep giving the situations to God, and hope that he is controlling all this. I won't jump to conclusions, just cruise along with it.

2007-12-16T23:55:00.000-08:00

I went to the phsyciatrist about that horrible medication the other day. While i was there he asked how the alcohol problem was going. I told him that it's a brand new struggle every day. It doesn't ever get easier. I just have to hope like hell that i can get through each day without caving in and having a drink! And most days i can't. He asked if i'd tried the [expensive] drug that takes the desire [or need] to drink away....... There's a magic pill???? What didn't anyone tell me about this?!? Why oh why didn't my regular doctor tell me about this?? WHY??? WHYYYYYYY???? [Just wait till i see him next!!! AND the doctor before him!]
The phsyciatrist told me how the drug works, and i nearly broke down and cried at the simplicity of it all. In fact, when i got back to my car, i did.
I've wasted 5 years of my life on the chemical called "Booze" And the cure really is a simple one. And no-one told me.
But at the end of the day, i am grateful that God saw fit for me to go through it. I can't start the medication untill the withdrawels wear off. [Yikes! that's the harest bit!]
But i'm sure that reason that i've been dependant for so long will be revealed in time.
I'm still not on frequent speaking terms with God. I'm in a very dark place and i still feel that God has let me down, inside my limited understanding. No... I take that back. I know he hasn't let me down. I just don't understand yet why he's let me, as his disiple, sit in limbo with this. And the proud person inside me is sulking because i want answers immediatly. I don't want to go through trials for longer than i see fit. Any longer than that is just rude!
But i need to be humble and wait on God and his wisdom, when he sees fit. I need to recognise the need to wait on him and not get all sulky when he doesn't answer in my time frame. That's the hard bit.
Sorry about that God :o(

2007-12-13T15:22:00.000-08:00

Since my last post, things have been opened up a bit.
I was beginning to feel as if my very soul was just a 5'7 pit of oozing black oil like sludge, rotating around my body. I felt ugly on the inside. I was being consumed by my sin. It was eating me alive. I couldn't talk about it - i felt no-one could possibly understand, or even want to. I had put myself in the "too hard" basket. So why would anyone else want to hear about it, and mess up their normal day?
I quit the worship team at church, because i'm now a fraud. God doesn't want to talk to me/help me. So how can i sing about how awesome he is when i feel like he's a deserter, and i don't deserve his help anyway, because i keep happily sinning the same sins every day? The same sins i despratly need his help in overcoming? [Even though i still tearfully sang worship songs during my days]
I wasn't going to go to church on Sunday either. I didn't think i could go to church and praise him with open arms when i didn't mean it.
But i got up on Sunday morning early enough, so i went. I stood there, up the front of the congregation, and sang the songs, through my tears, with slumped shoulders.
I looked at everyone else. So happy to be there, so happy to praise his awesome name. And i was so thankful that they couldn't see the blackness of my heart. I felt so seporate from them. I just wanted to run away.
*
We had a guest speaker from Compassion. She spoke and then our Paster spoke. But afterwards the guest speaker got up again, because she had a "word from God for someone in the congregation". Well, just like last week, this word was for me. How uncanny is that? Two weeks in a row, the guest speaker speaks to me, With a messege from God? I can't find the book that i wrote it in, but it was something along the lines of, "Romans something: I loved you before you were a sinner, just as i love you now."
I spoke to the guest speaker afterwards, and told her how there have now been two words from two different speakers for me. She prayed for me. I felt God tell me to keep pressing into him - as much or as little as i can. And he told me that i absolutely must get off the medication that i was on. Those drugs were messing with my head. So i did, and i feel a little closer to God.

But he's still not offering help in the areas that i desprately need help with, so the wounds are still there. I know he loves me, and i know he says to lean on him. But where is he with that?
WHERE IS HE?
I am a drunk
I am a binge eater
I surround myself with clutter.

They are all intertwined with each other somehow.
All these things make me feel better about smething. But i dont Know what. It's a deep rooted problem that i can't sort out myself.One or the other, or even all 3, effect me every day. I need him and only him. How much do i need to confess that i need him with my heart before he answers?

I will lean into him, as much or as little as i can. It's all i can do.

Today i listened to the song by Casting Crowns called "Praise you in this storm". And it was a good reminder that we need to praise him even when we are at our lowest.

I will "Praise him in this storm."

I spoke to the worship leader after church, and he talked me into staying with it.

2007-12-08T16:45:00.000-08:00

I went to the prayer healing 2 days ago. And as of yet, nothing has happened. I went with an open heart as i was instructed to. I was told to expect big things from God, and i did. Even if it was just a whisper of guidance from him - I expected it.
Last week at church, there was a guest speaker. Near the end of his sermon, he closed his eyes [because he didn't want anyone to think he was talking to them, if he looked at them] and said that "there is someone in the room that"......me. He was talking directly to me. Well the spirit was, through him. And i told the speaker that afterwards.
I thought then for sure that God was going to have stuff to say to me at the prayer healing.
I have never felt further away from God as i do right now. I have surrendered everything to him as best as i know how.
At the prayer healing, spiritual ties were broken. Such as rejection, familiarity, and religion.
I kept telling the two women that i know i need to work on things. And they kept assuring me that i have done what i can, to the best of my ability at the moment. Only God can do the rest. And i can only do it with him.
But where is he?
They told me that the "Angel on the bed" telling me what was said in the post before the last one, could very well have been a demonic thing. Because God never puts people in their place without showing them how to deal with the problem.
Great, so now i can't even trust those moments!
My life feels like a black hole right now, and i don't know how to get out. I feel like i could claw at my chest just to get rid of my black heart. I'm persistently reaching for God, but i can't find him. I'm listening for his voice and all i can hear is white noise.
I desperately wish i knew what the problem is! And i wish even more desperately that i could feel God's loving arms around me! Oh how i wish that!

2007-11-27T22:01:00.000-08:00

I am going to see a prayer warrior next Thursday. I really think that will be a turning point in my walk. I have been broken in a few areas of late, but just as i start to re-grow and take ground, now i'm being spiritualy attacked left right and centre. I can't do it on my own. I've tried leaning on God with these things, but the opposition is getting blinding. I can't see past them. So it's off to get help that i go.

I'm looking forward to it too :o)

2007-11-11T16:14:00.000-08:00

I am 100% sure that when God deals with me, he allows for the fact that i see everything very simplistically. I don't have to go through much to learn lessons, as I'm very teachable. I have a very obedient, humble & servant heart. And i do come to him, very much like a child. I am very grateful that he disiplines us according to the differences we have from one another.
When i chose to continually sin, like with my drinking, he allows it and just watches and waits.
I gave up my biggest problem with booze in April. [I had a problem with one kind of alcohol] After God directly told me that i was going to die if i kept drinking.
I didn't drink for ages. But then i started drinking other kinds of alcohol every so often. Then i found one that i formed a bond with, and i slowly started drinking more and more of it as time went by. It didn't effect my heart like the last stuff. But deep down, knew it was just as bad for me. Before i knew it, i was almost right where i was when God scared me with reality a few months ago.
The whole time i knew i was seriously pushing boundaries. Pushing Gods boundaries, which are the most dangerous of all. But i was doing my best to turn a blind eye.
Untill one night [everything "Goddy" happens to me at night, don't know why]. While i was sleeping, i woke up to a voice. Now, it was really blurry, so I'm not sure if it was God, An angel, or what! It defiantly wasn't me, it was too clear and awake! But it was just like when you are in a deep sleep, and someone comes in the room and starts talking. You are aware that they are there, and you understand a bit of what they said, but most of it was a blur. Y'know? There might have even been light, like my beside light had been turned on, or the light of an angel. Aye Curumba!
The "voice" told me that, I am being too pushy with limits. I must understand that i can NOT touch ANY alcohol.Satan is using it to lure me.It is the one thing he knows he can use in my life right now, to keep me from all that is good and holy. If i drink anything, it is purely out of selfishness [that hurt, coz i kinda pride myself on not being selfish] When i drink, i am robbing my children, my husband, myself and my God. Alcohol is my golden calf, and i MUST make a choice. Which God will i serve, because i CANNOT serve both!
Well...
Again, it was a VERY weird situation. I heard the words and rolled over to go back to sleep. But when i woke up in the morning, It was with a start, thinking, "What was THAT??" Then i lay there lulling it all over in my head. I remembered the bits i just wrote. But there was definitely more that i don't remember clearly. I woke up while the voice was speaking, and went back to sleep while the voice was speaking. So who knows how long it went on for! That happened three nights ago, and it still feels weird [nice weird].
I can't tell anyone that little story, coz they'll think I'm nuts!!
I've been different since then, in lots of little ways. I think i grew up a bit that night.
I will still seek help for the booze habit, from a spiritual councilor via the church. And i won't drink again. I will be a better wife, mother, servant of the living God and a better Sharron instead :o)

Although, i really hope that if it was an angel who was speaking to me, and he was sitting on the side of the bed, i didn't kick him off or fart! lol

2007-11-04T22:51:00.000-08:00

Check this site out. I'm going to use some of these :o)

http://trinity-humor.blogspot.com/

2007-11-04T19:40:00.000-08:00

We have a black cat called Lotus, who is 12 years old. He is regarded as "King of the pets" in our house. To us humans anyway.
We've had a lot of other animals in the 12 years [who didn't make it]. And he's had to fight each one of them for his place on the family social ladder. Now he's just given up.
At the moment we have a 5yo pug called Princess, A 2yo tabby called Peppy [girl]. and a 1yo orange cat called Mr. Marbles.
Peppy seems to think she is the house defender. She's the one out there fighting off the strays. But unfortunately this has left her with a bit of a nervous disorder, where she is on edge and ready to fight all the time. She even sprays "her territory". Isn't that bizarre for a girl??
Mr. Marbles is a very naughty teenager cat, who's just always looking for trouble in the form of something to pounce on, or something to grab and play with.
Princess wants to be the first in line for everything. Pats, food and treats. No-one gets anything before her!
Lotus used to be a fighter, but he just doesn't have it in him anymore.
The last house we lived in, there was a kid who used to torment him and do mean things to him. That kinda caused him to go into his shell.
Then we moved here 5 years ago and Lotus sorta moved in under the house. He only came out when no-one else was around, to have a bit of dinner.
Then one of our cats got run over. Apparently he must of been Lotus's , because Lotus started coming out a bit more after he was gone.
But then Peppy started beating him up and chasing him, and Mr. Marbles started copying her. Princess would think there was some action going on that she was missing out on, so she'd start chasing too [didn't matter what, just in the general direction everyone else was going lol] I would yell at them and throw things at them when i caught them about to pounce on him. But then they just started using intimidation tactics [did you know animals did that???] like butt sniffing while he was eating to make him feel uncomfortable. They'd chase him out of our room where he liked to sleep etc. Lotus is old and just can't keep up. So they see him as an easy target.
Needless to say, he disappeared under the house again for a while.
Then it dawned on me one night to pray for him. To pray that he would stick up for himself a bit more. Or for the other animals to lay off him.
Then two nights after i prayed, Lotus reappeared. And things seem to be different. I haven't seen him run past me with Peppy hot on his tail. And i haven't seen the other cats bother him while he eats. And one day, while Lotus was sleeping in our room, i saw Peppy run out. Excellent :o)
That was 2 weeks ago.
Sometimes it's hard to remember that God cares about our pets too. But i'm glad he does :o)

Ha Ha, you thought i would've posted about something else! Yea you :oÞ

2007-10-31T18:00:00.000-07:00

Hebrews 13:2

"Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by so doing some have unwittingly entertained angels."

This afternoon we were at the supermarket, where i let Jason take his $1 to get a little chocolate. I waited at the end of the till for him, as it was his first time doing the supermarket thing by himself.

But he was 20c short, and other than 5c, all i had in my wallet was our tithes. I've never used our tithes for anything else, but there was a line, and i felt rushed. As soon as i pulled it out and said, "I'll have to use this." The spotty teenager behind Jason said, "Here, i've got 20c. I'll get that."

I thanked him and told him he was an angel[flippant comment, perhaps a gentleman was more appropriate]. Jason thanked him too, and we left the store.

That was awesome, especially for a teenager!! I'm very impressed!

2007-10-28T15:31:00.000-07:00

I have always prided myself on making John feel special and appreciated. Too many people get married and forget the importance of lifting each other up every day. I vowed I'd never forget to make sure John knew what a wonderful man he is!
Anyway, about 2 months ago i started noticing changes in John. I knew the changes all too well, he was developing depression. I told him he needed to see a doctor but he refused. So i left him to it. But i knew it wasn't just a hurdle he could "get over".
Then his behaviour started getting annoying and without me realising it, my compliments and affections slowed down and almost stopped.
Why would i do that? Why would i not purposefully emotionally nurture the man i loved? The man who is my soul mate? How can i go from the loving wife during the good times, and throw him out on his own, to the sharks during the bad times, when he needs me the most?
Sinful nature. We do not love unconditionally, even when are sure that we do. No matter how much of Gods grace we think we show, It has it's limits within us.
One night i was laying in bed, talking to God in the darkness, as i do. When he pointed out to me
that i was abandoning my precious husband in his time of need, when he needed me the absolute most!
I didn't realise until then, what I'd been doing [or not doing]
So i got up the next morning, made my husband breakfast, and told him how much i love him, and what a great husband he is!
Since then I've looked for opportunities to lift him up.
He's been to the doctor to talk about his depression, and he's been given B12 shots.
He's feeling a lot better, but i really think that it's more because I'm doing my job like I'm supposed to. I can see in hindsight, that my lack of compassion for him, made his problem worse. I can also see that my affections slowed down even before he started showing signs of depression for some unknown reason, maybe contributing to the depression in the first place.
I love my Johnny. He means the world to me. Life would be bitter sweet without him!
I guess getting slack for the first time in 9 years isn't too bad really. But i can now see that my behaviour not only hurt John, but it hurt me AND our marriage.
I won't allow it to happen again.
*
Thanks God, For being in charge of our marriage. And for us allowing you to be in charge :o)

2007-10-27T21:27:00.000-07:00

I have a Friend at church. I can't remember how we became Friends, but i really love her!

However, since we have become friends, i have gone out of my way to show her how much i care about her. I've cooked her meals and taken them to her on a tray when she's been sick. I've door knocked at businesses when she's held charity auctions. I've done other random stuff. And it feels like she tries just as hard to push me away. I know she feels a bit undeserving of things, and that just makes me love her more.

Although admittedly, i had backed off over the past 6 or so months, as i felt that every time she talked to me, it was to say something hurtful. Whether intentional or not. Sometimes she's bought me to tears with a flippant comment.

Last weekend i invited her back to our place for lunch.

As we were eating, she said something to John about not having any Friends.

Well, i went a bit mad and mentioned all of the above. I said that I'd gone all out over time to be her friend and make her feel loved.

And she said, "Well I'm just not a very nice person." They were simple words, but i felt the hurt & belief behind them.

I may be a gluten for punishment, but that made me love her even more. And it has renewed my vigor in forcing my friendship & appreciation on her, weather she likes it or not! :o)

2007-10-27T20:23:00.000-07:00

I have reached a point in my walk where God has allowed me to be broken in various areas of my life, all at once. Some i can talk about, and some i can not.
With my over eating and alcohol habits, i have reached a point of absolute hoplessness. I have no control over these areas and i've been forced into fully surrendering them to him.
There's an issue with Rose going to QLD that i have had to give solely to God as well. As it's a very confusing situation.
I've had depression for years [as long as i can remember] allthough it's been labeled with ADD till now. and my doctor now thinks i may have a form of Bi-Polar, and has started me on a treatment for that. I was very unsure about starting with the drugs as they are quite strong drugs, that could have a terrible effect if i DONT have Bi-polar. I've had to give that over to God.
And one other part of my life that i can't talk about on a public forum. Something i've done all my adult life in a certain way, and i now realise it's wrong. But i don't know how else to do it. God showed me the era, so i've given it to him to fix.
Why all at once? I don't know.
I feel very vulnerable right now. Both emotional and spiritual

2007-10-16T20:05:00.000-07:00

I since learnt that the woman who lost her son, also lost her brother while he was driving down for the funeral! [The family is local]
After hearing about this and going to bed that night at 12ish. I prayed for her and her family. And i got this overwhelming desire to drive to her place and stroke her hair. I don't know this woman and i don't know what she looks like or what street she lives in. What a bizzare emotional response to have whilst praying!
So the only thing i could do was ask God to comfort her.
If i had of still had that strong desire in the morning, i would have definatly found her and patted her hair. Even if it would take some weird explaining lol :o)

2007-10-05T20:14:00.000-07:00

A few nights ago i went to the supermarket. he checkout chick i usualy go to wasn't her usual chipper self, so i asked what was wrong. She told me that a freind of hers had lost her 4yo son the night before [the flu killed him]. I tried to lighten it with some truth by saying that, "Not that it's any consolation, but he's in a great place right now, where he can probably have ice cream before dinner every night!"
She said, "I wish i could believe that, but there's just so many people suffering in the world."
At that moment i clammed up. I'm not one to be lost for words, and i'm always on the lookout for opportunities to evangelise. But i just clammed up!
We finished the transaction happily and i told her to keep her chin up. But as i walked away, i was kicking myself that i didn't say anything!
I prayed on the way home. Asking God that he helps me to be ready when the opportunities come up.
I spoke to a freind and told her about what happened, and that i was kicking myself.
And she said that maybe i clammed up because there was no words to say. Maybe God had nothing for me to say at that moment.
I appreciated that :o)
I've since learned that the woman who lost her little boy is local. And she's apparently a bit anti-God. I will make a few meals for her over the next few days. I don't know if i'll take them to her, or someone else closer to her will [A mutual freind] But we'll see how we go.

Thank you God, For opportunities. Opportunities to be quiet, and opportunities to be near someone just to love them in your name :o)

2007-09-30T18:14:00.000-07:00

I have realised that i am very immature in my walk with Jesus. As you may know, i was saved 11 years ago. But after i learned the truth, i just kinda wondered around in the wilderness for 7 - 8 years. Then i really started to blossom in my relationship with God, once we joined the church we are with. For the first time in all that time, i really devoloped a relationship with our Lord!

But alas, i am still at the babe stage. My prayer life doesn't go beyond my family and freinds. I hear people praying for revival, the government, other governments etc, but i just can't feel for those things and i feel guilty. As much as i am not a selfish person at all, i just can't move past praying for my family. This was really driven home, when someone prayed today about the musicians that went before the armies in bible times. They asked that we have the same heart.

I thought to myself, "Gee, that's sooo beyond me!"

I better work on getting out of this milk fed baby stage. Or at least ask God to help me move past it!

Thanks God, For showing me when things need to change :o)

2007-09-20T19:53:00.000-07:00

Before we even got to the Gold coast for our holiday, and to pick Alix up, Alix decided that she didn't want to come home, but that she wanted to stay at her fathers. Then she said she wasn't sure what she wanted to do.

When i first saw Alix, she had barely changed! She was still my baby girl. I would never have known she'd been defilled :o(

She has settled down a lot though, within herself. She's matured a bit and is not so excitable. She tested waters by saying various things, and i just knew what to say to everything. It was awesome!

She's going to stay in Brisbane untill the end of the school year, but for tonight she is staying with us. We are going to watch "Mean girls" and talk and stuff. I found a laptop, so i thought i'd add this post while i'm still excited about Gods promise to let everything fall into place at the right time.

Thanks God for knowing everything and for really being in charge :o)

2007-09-12T21:49:00.000-07:00

I still can not sing. It has been six weeks since i lost my song, and i don't see it coming back in the near future. I can sing low notes, but once i get up into the higher notes, my voice cuts out. Usually that means i can't sing the chorus or the lead up to it. My throat isn't sore, but there is like a thin thread of phlegm that goes across my wind pipe, and my larynx is apparently damaged. Because of this i can't be a part of the worship team. I still go to the team practises, but i can't sing the songs.
I don't understand why this is happening, but i wish i did :o(

Thanks God, for knowing what you are doing and why you are doing it. And for allowing me to trust you, even when it's hard to do.

2007-09-12T18:25:00.000-07:00

I have realised what Alix's biggest problem is. She has an overactive need for justice, as she sees it. Her main ambition in life is to get what she believes is coming to her, at any cost. She honestly believes that she is the most important person on the planet. Her drive in life is pride, and she believes that everybody owes her whatever she sees fit. Not getting it is the cause of her constant anger

God has shown me the pride before now, but not the other stuff. I believe that in knowing this, i can work with it, with Gods help :o)

Thanks God, even for the little tidbits :o)

2007-09-01T01:23:00.000-07:00

A freind suggested that i write my prayers here. It would be a display of faith i suppose. But as i explained to her, i find it hard asking God for stuff. I can pray for other people, but i feel selfish praying for myself. I'd rather try fixing everything myself before taking it to him, and i know we should take it to him first.
I did ask God to help with my addiction to Jim Beam, and he sure answered that one!
The one ongoing prayer that he hears most from me, is about my weight.
I'm fat. Not just a little fat, or even obese. But i hit the scale at rediculously morbidly obese!!
I've always prayed that God would give me the determination and will [Not motivation, as i'm aware of Gods "tricks" and i don't want a heart attack or stroke for "motivation"!!] to succeed in losing weight. I pray that he gives me the wisdom to just do it! I prayed that at 100 kilos, 120 kilos, 150 kilos, and now at 180 kilos :o(
After a while i started wondering why God wasn't answering me. So i reasoned that perhaps he was waiting till i was mentaly really ready to lose wait. Mature enough.
My freind told me she thought that was crap - And she's right. In saying that, i'm just passing the responsibility onto God, instead of taking responsibility for my own habits and choices.
After taking to my freind, i went home and thought about it, and realised that the effort really does have to come from me, rather than waiting for a miracle.
Since that day, things have moved along kinda fast. At my last weigh in i had gained 3 kilos. [It won't be much better this coming weigh in either, because my body has a time delay with gains or losses.]
I decided to REALLY commit, and for the last 3 days, not one unhealthy thing has passed my lips.
There was a Joyce Meyers thing on tele where she talked about how Satan uses compromise to keep us down and chip away at us, and she is so right! In my case i'd think things like, "McDonalds has the limited time double quarter pounders, or KFC Mashies in. I better have one coz i might miss out, and they are sooo yummy!" Or "Gee i feel like a cream donut! Just this once wont hurt. I have been really good after all." Then it gets to," Every time i go shopping i'll treat myself to a donut/Quarter pounder/KFC Mashies." Then i'm back to putting on weight, and i wonder why. So i'll remember Joyce's talk.
I also realised all of a sudden, that i'm unemployable. My back goes out all the time, i get puffed too easily, and i just can't keep up with everyone else.
I also realised that if i wanted to [but i don't] i couldn't go on something like Big Brother, because i couldn't do the weekly tasks, Friday night games, or even shower [with all those cameras on me!]
Things are just falling into place. Since i accepted responsibility for my flab, realisations are popping out everywhere!
Watch this space :o)

Thanks God, for great freinds and reality :o)

Now let's talk about my clutter?....

2007-08-25T20:50:00.000-07:00

I have decided to have a go at writing a song [or 2] for our worship team. A few months ago, Colin [The worship leader] told us that there is a song within all of us, and he'd like to see them.
Graeme [Our paster] and Janine [Another of our worship leaders] wrote one each, and they were [are] great. Then the teens on the team have been writing them ever since. Pretty much just streaming them out!
Colin mostly puts the music to songs, and it is mostly piano stuff.
I'd like to do something kinda "Rocky".
I'm working on it :o)

2007-08-20T21:23:00.000-07:00

I finished the church paintings. You can check it out here :o)

2007-08-20T19:22:00.000-07:00

I have a not-so-distant past that involves pot [Marijuana]. I've never been ashamed of it or seen it as a problem, untill lately.
*Insert corney flashback sequence*
I grew up with pot as just a part of everyday life. It was the recreational drug at our family parties, and mum used to grow it in the vege garden [to keep the white butterflies out lol] Allthough i waited till i was 13 before i shared my first joint with the brother of a freind. After that it was socialy common place for me.
When i was 17, i moved out of home and in with a 21 drug [pot] dealer. It became my job to make up the packeges to sell, and to be the go-between mule.
I left him 2 years later, but i was still mixing with the same crowds. In fact everyone i dated was a pot smoker.
I became a Christian, Giving my life to Jesus, when i was 26. But still the pot didn't come into it.
Jesus worked on the inside issues according to what he thought were relevent at the time, As he still is.
I continued to smoke pot when the social occasion arose, and sometimes i bought some. I enjoyed getting stoned and thinking about God.
It didn't even cross my mind about the fact that it was against the law to smoke it. I guess if something is ok in your mind, it's just ok all 'round. My kids never saw me smoke though. I knew enough to keep it from them. Funny huh? I've always preached against drugs to the kids, but in my mind, pot was seporate from those other drugs.
Then, only a few months ago, i was hanging around up the back yard, smoking a joint. And the holy spirit started convicting me about it for the first time. For the first time ever, i felt bad about being stoned. And that wasn't very comfortable! I felt the need to through it all out, the pot, the container i kept it in, the bong, the rolly papers, and the lighter.
But i didn't. I held onto it all for nearly a week. That whole week was very uncomfortable! God was saying, "Get rid of it, And don't do it anymore!" And i kept saying," But Gooood it's not thaaaat bad [Whine, sulk]" But God is persistant and when he wants something, he wants it NOW! So he wasn't getting off my back. After a week of constant nagging, i took all that stuff and put it in a plastic bag, and put it in the big bin.
The next morning i lay in bed and listened as the garbage truck came and as i listened to the bin being emptied into the truck, i realised it was the end of part of my life that i never thought i'd say good bye too. It wasn't untill it was gone, that i realised just how wrong it was. I'd carried on a healthy Christian life, and yet God waited 10 years to point out my era with it. That's a long time!
So now i am embarassed to say that i smoked pot till only a few months ago, Ackwardly embarassed. But it's gone now, and i will never smoke it again. My life has been 100% freed of a life long thing. Even if it did take a while to point out! lol

Thanks God, for doing things in your own timing, and for giving me an obedient heart :o)

2007-08-15T23:34:00.000-07:00

In regards to the post a few days down, about how i can see God's handy work in preperation for Alix's return, I forgot to mention this;
God has also enabled me to see that i'm not only not a bad parent, but that i'm actualy a pretty good mum.
When we meet or hear of a troubled kid who acts out a lot, we automaticaly assume that child has come from a troubled home. A home where they are being neglected of attention and affection. I'm guilty of assuming that myself when i meet other rotten kids.
And people have always assumed that of Alix. In fact, we've NEVER been able to get Alix the counciling and medical attention she desprately needs. Because EVERYONE just assumes that all Alix needs, is a few hugs, encouragement, and positive reinforcement.
I have 2 other children who are very happy, well adjusted and stable.
I've always tried to treat my kids the same.
And yet i just believed what the general attitude was. I felt like a bad mother, a failure, because all my efforts to raise Alix right were fruitless.
In the time that Alix has been away, i've had the time to really see my two other children.
I didn't realise untill now, just how much time i was spending on Alix, and in turn, neglecting my other two. The past eight months have been spent really getting to know them and enjoying them. They are great kids with a great sense of humour. Awesome talents and great schooling habits. I knew all this before, but it was more of a relief because i didn't have to worry about them at the same time as worrying about Alix.
I look at these two wonderful kids and i realise something i've never allowed myself to entertain in my mind - I'm a good mum. I really am a good mum. I might not be a sports mum who enrolls her kids into every sport. And i might not be active with the P&C school commitee.
But i respect my children, i listen to them, & i welcome their ideas and viewpoints.
I encourage them to be the best people they can be, both at home, and in the communitee.
We are affectionate with each other. Rose isn't a kissy huggy person, but she likes har back rubbed and her hair played with. Jason loves kisses & cuddles, and sitting close on the couch.
Jason likes collecting little rocks and Rose can't throw out any piece of paper.
We play together and i'd drop whatever i'm doing to read them a story book.
I'm doing my best to raise happy little soldiers for God, who will see God as a loving father, rather than a big judge with a big stick.
I am a good mum, and i know that when Alix comes home, how i deal with her will now be motivated more by fairness and love, rather than guilt.

I couldn't see any of this before, but with Alix gone, God has let me see.

Thanks God :o)
*
(BTW "Parenthood" is one of my favourite all time movies :o)

2007-08-15T20:27:00.000-07:00

I put my hand up a while ago, to decorate the back church wall. Any opportunity to get dirty and messy is good! lol
I was stumped at first for ideas. But i got a few ideas together, that in hindsight, kinda looked better on paper than on 3 seporate & complicated parts of a wall. But i'd already bought the materials so yesterday i started on the back wall.
Before i started, i gave the project to God. I asked him to piece the project together nicely. I offered my hands, that he might use for his glory. I gave him the limited materials and asked that it would be enough.
In one day i've seen his hand on it twice. Once where he measured something correctly to the milimetre [I can't measure correctly enough to save myself!] And once where the materials for one part stretched juuust enough [With none left over], even though i thought i'd had too much.
I am trusting God that this will work out just as he wants it. I will not take the glory if people love it, and i will not take the responsibility if people hate it. I'm wholeheartedly giving myself to God to use as an instrument.
I'll post photos here when it's finished :o)

Thank you God, For giving me a talent that i can lift back up to you :o)
*
I want my voice back though! Y'know, whenever you're ready lol :o)

2007-08-11T09:22:00.000-07:00

Did i speak too soon, in regards to my voice? I have lost my beloved singing voice :o(
My regular voice comes and goes, but my singing voice is croaky at best and breaks up. It could have been worse, it could have gone first during my illness, but it didn't. And i am very grateful for that.
Why would God allow me to lose my voice? The voice i use to praise his awesome name every day?
*
Maybe so i can listen instead :o)

Thanks God, For your awesome wisdom!

2007-08-08T20:27:00.000-07:00

Today i went to Bathurst and got some lunch at MacDonalds. My nose kept bleeding [part of having this flu apparently] so i got take out. Then i went and parked at the shopping centre car park. I was lucky enough to get a park near the entrance [WooHoo!] And as i sat there and ate my lunch, a naughty and very bold thought crossed my mind [The best ones!]. As i was listening to my favourite Hillsong United CD [United We Stand]I thought about winding my car windows down and playing the CD at a high volume. Being an underneath carpark, the sound would REALLY travel! So i did just that! I started at "Take it all" and it was good. I had the attention of everyone who came and went from the entrance of the mall. And everyone else from at least a 100 feet radius, wheather they liked it or not! No-one complained or punched me in the head, so that inspires me to maybe do that again lol

2007-08-08T10:34:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to find the post regarding God's promise to heal our family during Alix's absense, but i can't find it. Maybe i didn't add it or save it :o/

Well, God promised me that he would use this time apart to heal our hearts, if we would just trust him. He assured me that when Alix comes back, things will be different.

Well i have leaned into God, and i do trust that things will be different. Things will be different.

John has not. He has escaped into the world of computer gaming, rather than spending this time giving his issues regarding Alix to God, and letting God sorting them out with him.

John is emotionaly no better off in regards to Alix, than what he was the day she left. I worry about that. But i have to give that to God as well.

Bit by bit i can see God's awesome plan unfolding in preperation for Alix's return, as promised.

*Rose And Jason have blossomed into their own beings with confidence [Rather than just being what Alix allowed them to be, through intimidation] And they have formed some kind of freindship with each other.

*My heart has healed from Alix's constant trampling on it. It is stronger and fitter, and ready to start again :o)

*Our church has a few new girls Alix's age who are tomboys, like Alix. Before there were only "girly" girls. And even though they were freinds with Alix, Alix couldn't relate a great deal to them and vice versa.

* I have made some new freinds at church who met me before they met Alix. Usualy people meet Alix, who is full on at any time, or hear of Alix, before they meet me. And people just assume that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

So i have had the chance to form great freindships, and maybe gain support for the future.

*When Alix returns, she will be going to the local high school. A year ago, every kid who was her arch enemy went to this school. Now all but one have left.

* Because of the incident with Peter, and the allowed lifestyle she's been living while being at her fathers, Alix has tasted what the world has to offer. And she doesn't really like it.

These are the things i've seen so far, and i'm very excited! God is awesome! AWESOME!!!!!

2007-08-07T21:13:00.000-07:00

Last night i started watching The 10 Commandments, but went to sleep. So once the kids were in bed tonight, i started watching it again.

The movie was at the bit where Rameses sent Moses into the desert with one days rations Rameses said something about the Hebrew God being responsible for Moses now.

I said out loud, "Don't worry Moses! Our God's awesome, He'll look after ya!"

And a tiny voice came from Rose's room saying, "Amen sister!" :o)

2007-08-05T20:59:00.000-07:00

I have the flu with a bit of larengitus [However it's spelt]. Every year i seem to get larengitus, and i don't mind it so much. Except that i lose my ability to sing anything resembling a note. And that kills me, because i sing aaaaall the time! I enjoy singing for Jesus, and i don't think there is anything much better than getting a praise song stuck in my head!
And when i get sick, Even when the larengitus gets better in my talking voice, my singing voice takes weeks longer to heal! I actualy get depressed over it :o(
Over the last two days, i've randomly sung a few lines of a praise song. And i have been awesomely blessed. My talking voice is quite croaky, but i can still sing.
I am happy to lie on my couch, snorting, coughing, choking, sweating and freezing. But as long as i can still sing, i'll smile :o)

Thanks God, For allowing me to still praise your loving name, Even when i shouldn't really be able to! :o)

2007-08-01T02:52:00.000-07:00

Today i went into town to do my grocery shopping. While i was there, i thought i'd do a bit of op shopping. I've been feeling a bit down about my weight loss efforts lately, and i need basic pants to cover my ample frame, to wear around the house. And i found, on the dress up rack, a plus size skirt that came from one of those exclusive goth type shops. I was [am] soooo stoked! I gave thanks to God for the blessing and felt quite chuffed that i'd found it!
After i left that shop, i realised i was running late. It was 2:17pm and i had to be home about 10 minutes before hand!
Driving past McDonalds, i noticed there was no-one in the drive through. So i went in for a choc thickshake to have on the way home. After leaving Maccas, i took the wrong turn. Without thinking, I got on the intersection that takes forever to get back into traffic, instead of the turn i usualy take that is much quicker. Being in a hurry, i was kinda kicking myself now!
As i slowed at the intersection to the main road, there was no traffic. I couldn't believe it!! I thanked God again, and told him that i felt a bit spoilt today.
It might sound like trivial things. But it's not to me. I feel very grateful for the blessings that i'm aware of! God provided for me today, in ways that made a big difference to my day, and i love him even more for that :o)

Thanks God, You always know when the right times are to bless us and how. You're awesome! :o)

2007-07-30T12:10:00.000-07:00

]Forth of the 10 commandments. So many of us struggle with it, Especialy those of us who have been exposed to Seventh Day Adventist teaching. Mainly because the bible backs up this command is so many places, it's very hard to ignore as a hot issue!
As Christians, we want to do the right, and be loyal servants of God.
I have been to a few SDA churches, and i didn't like any of them as a church. They seem to feel as though most of the universe revolves around this one commandment. My daughters have actualy been told they are going to hell because they worship on a Sunday.
So why do we worship on a Sunday if i'm conflicted by the sabbath? Because overall, we have to go where we feel we should be. Where it feels "Right". And i didn't feel like i belonged in the SDA church at all. Should we go to a lousy church just to make sure we are keeping all the commandments, according to the works theory? Or go to a church where all our spiritual needs are been met, but not on the 7th day? I try not to think about it too much, but occasionaly i dwell on it. Is that Satan trying to stir the pot, or God telling me to obey?
Here is my stand on this at the moment:
In the old testament, people didn't have a personal relationship with God [except the odd person he spoke to]. He set up some basic rules for people to live by, to show their loyalty and obedience to him. These rules were not to be broken.
Then Jesus came to live with us. When this happened, we were able to have a personal relationship with God through Jesus. If we are living every day as Jesus asks us to, then we are spending every day with God, and God in us. So then, doesn't every day become the sabbath day? And because we strive for ALL of our actions to be in Christ, resting in Christ. [Spiritual rest] As long as we reserve one day specificaly to fellowship in his house, Aren't we keeping the sabbath? It's not the 7th day, but it is a day of worship and rest.
Jesus came to fulfill the law, not to break it or change it. But fulfill it...he became the law, He became the sabbath, and he is within us, and us in him.

That's where i stand today :o)

I also read in interesting idea, that the seventh day may or may not be an eternal day.

2007-07-19T12:17:00.000-07:00

This revelation of forgiving Peter, and telling him that, and why, has become apparent even more by the fact that i rang the correctional centre this morning where he is being held. Apparently he has been trying to hurt himself. When i heard that, i felt genuine empathy. This man doesn't know God, and he needs him in his life as soon as possible. It's become obvious to me that i'm the one God wants to take God to him.
Peter is very anti-God, so i will wait on God to tell me what to write.

I am still overwhelmed by the fact that last night i hated this man, and i just wanted to smack him around a bit. My sister and I had a conversation where we would both go to the trial and try to bribe the police into letting us have just 10 minutes in the watch house with Peter before the trial to mess him up a bit.And today i want to help him heal. I find that very bizzare, so i can't imagine what you, the reader, must think!

Thanks God, for giving me the ability to WANT to honour you :o)

2007-07-19T07:49:00.000-07:00

It's funny, But after i wrote down how i felt yesterday, The weight started lifting fairly quickly. [Not off my hips, off my mind] It was like God was saying, "Ok, I've allowed you to feel these human emotions. Now move away from them and freely do what i ask."
While i was praying, God told me i need to forgive Peter, and send him a note in prison to say that i forgive him, and why. So, as much as my limited understanding is, I forgive this man for what he has taken from my daughter. I will show him the love that is required of me, through Christ. And it will be genuine :o)

Thank you God, For always being in charge. For giving me a spirit of obedience, and for being a loving, gentle father :o)

2007-07-18T13:56:00.000-07:00

Saving yourself untill you are married - This battle has been lost for my beautiful 14yo daughter, Alix.
She was in respite care [because she has aspergers and is a handful to live with] every second weekend while staying with her dad in Brisbane. A 46yo guy at that respite has been sexualy abusing my daughter over the past month. He manipulated her into thinking she loves him and he loves her. The day before yesterday he was arrested with 31 charges against him. And he should get 20-30 years in prison. The full story is here.
When my ex-husband first called me to tell me, I was a mess! I've tried very hard over the years to instill into my children the importance of waiting untill you are married. But she seemed so happy to give it away without a second thougt. She doesn't regret it. Maybe she will later on, i dont know.
God has given me an unbelievable amount of strength and assurance through all this!
He has assured me that this is all part of his plan. Even though this has been tragic for all involved, it is all part of the big picture, and i believe him. If i had of posted this blog entry a few days ago, it would have been a spiritualy strong post...but i have fallen.
Now that the original shock has subsided, it's getting harder. As bizzare as it sounds, i feel as though i have been violated too some how. I'm usualy a happy, jolly person who sees the lighter side of everything. I don't take things seriously as all unless i absolutely HAVE to. [I spent years carefully perfecting that!] And this pain inside me is sucking the very joy out of my heart! I am feeling an overwhelming sense of hopelessness & dispair, and the last thing on my lips is a smile.
I keep ringing her to ask her stuff that i just need to know. [Luckily she feels comfortable telling me] I need to know if she enjoyed it. I need to know if she gave him oral sex, and if she enjoyed that etc. All these disguting details that i don't want to know, yet feel the need to ask.
Alix feels as if she can go through the process of moving on now, Because the hard part is over for her. But i've just learnt about it, and i'm still at the tormented stage.
I feel so emotionaly crippled, and there's just no-one to talk to about it who can offer advise on how to move past it.
I still believe it's all part of Gods awesome plan. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, but i know it's there.
I keep praying, "Lord, please take this debilitating pain away from me!" And yet somehow, i know he wants me to feel it through - Run it's course. He has a plan for this pain.
So i'll just have to trust in him, lean toward him, and let him walk me through it on his terms.
I'm glad he knows what he's doing, coz right now, i can't even plan dinner properly!

God, Please let this pain be dealt with quickly.

2007-07-10T10:41:00.000-07:00

Our church has a few ministries, and one of them is the care ministry - looking after people in need, in the community.
Yesterday i put together my first care package [Food parcel] for someone in need, because the lady who usualy does it, couldn't that day.
I have to say that it was a real thrill picking out food items for the parcel, and sneaking in some treats. I felt like i was picking one of my kid's Christmas presents. Isn't that weird?
The person i was taking the package to, lives 10 minutes away, out in the countryside. The instructions i had to get there were pretty straight forward, but i soon realised that they'd somehow got lost in translation! I spent an hour looking for this person. There was no mobile phone reception, so i couldn't call anyone. I was on my own!
I got bogged in mud a few times, I met some very nice farmers and half of the next town. No-one i asked knew where the house was that i was looking for. I'm sure i amused a group of cows that i continuely drove past.
When i finally found the house, i just stopped the car and yelled out, "Yay!"
That was an experience and a half i tells ya! But it was fun. I got to sit with the person for a while and reach out. That made it all worth while :o)

Thanks God, For your sense of humour. And for mine! :o)

2007-07-05T22:14:00.000-07:00

I am a HUGE fan of the simpsons! Even though some of the episodes are a little dodgy, and we don't let the kids watch many halloween specials, or Itchy & Scratchy, there is a Simpson character in all of us.
However, i think Reverend Lovejoy does a lot of damage to the Christian way of life. And the more my faith grows, the more it irritates me! I realise it's just a cartoon, and so the characters have to be played up. But i'm still allowed to be annoyed at this character. How many kids and adults alike watch this show? How many people are getting the messege that Church life and the Christian walk is just a fickle thing?
A sad thing is, unfortunatly there really are churches like that, and that i guess is the "Joke".
I'll always watch the Simpsons, So i guess i better get used to rolling my eyes at the Rev huh? lol

2007-07-05T14:39:00.000-07:00

In regards to the June 25th post, about the Christian guy that loathes me, On Sunday i was absolutely FLOORED when HE approached me and started a conversation!!! He talked so much that i could barely get a word in! Not that i couldn't have spoken if i wanted to, because my jaw was stuck to the floor lol. John, who was standing next to me, was pretty flabagasted as well. When the guy in question walked away, i just turned toward John and gave thanks to God.
Much to the amusement of the woman behind us, who had no idea what was going on, and it would have looked like i was calling John, God, and praying to him lol

I believe this turn around wouldn't have happened if i hadn't asked God to intervene. This guy and i have been staying out of each others way for 2 years with no variation, and as soon as i give it to God, things do an about face within 3 weeks!

Thanks God for being so awesome! And for reminding me to give things to you first, before trying to fix it myself. Thanks for hearing my prayer and answering it quickly. I don't know what you whispered to this guy or how you worked with his heart, but i'm very grateful for the knowledge that YOU are in control of everything. NOT us! :o)

* Picture came from this site

2007-06-30T13:37:00.000-07:00

The person i am on the inside, is in total disorder at the moment. The above picture is exsactly how i feel! But it's a FAN-DIDDLY-TASTIC thing!!

I've had encounters since this post, Where i'm realising that elements of me are not what i thought, or they are no longer there. Things that i thought made up big parts of who i am, are being "removed" or shuffled around again. So i feel like there are still big bits of me that i'm sure of, but there are all these gaps in between. Like God is using me as a big slide puzzle, and he's controling the pieces. He's cleaning house.

So every day i'm feeling like i'm Incomplete in a sense, but it feels awesome, and i CAN'T WAIT to see the end product of this phase in my walk!

2007-06-26T18:16:00.000-07:00

This is a picture of our lounge room with a very big pile of washing waiting to be folded. [It's bigger than that now! lol] The sun is shining through the lounge window, and onto the white door in the next room. So i stuck my hand up to take an intoresting pic. The door handle is shining and it looks like i have a hole in my hand.I didn't notice that before i took the pic. So who's reflection is it? :o)

"...and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me..." (Galatians 2:20)

2007-06-25T10:06:00.000-07:00

There is a Christian man i know who absolutely loathes me! I've known him and his family for a few years, and even though i don't know him well, I like him, i care about what he thinks, and i've tried VERY hard to genuinely develop some sort of relationship with him. Maybe too hard at times, but overall i've just tried getting along with him. I've just tried to meet him at some level. I've tried joking around, making small talk, I've tried to get into deeper conversation, tried to banter with him, barrack for him [Even when he's had altercations with other people]. I've complimented him when he's made progress with something and I've prayed for him through trials. He went through a thing once where he wasn't sure where his faith was at. So when he "came back" i sent an e-mail to him, telling him it was good to see him back. Well, he responded with a barrage of insults!

He doesn't have a sense of humour and he is very forthcoming about what he thinks. And he does not like me one tiny little bit [hasn't from the start], and he's not afraid to say so!!!

Now, i know there's always going to be people who don't like us. There's nothing we can do about that, and worrying about it will only drive us mad, so why bother? It amuses John that i let this guy get to me.

But we are fellow Christians who interact every other day [with other people] during outreach. We are on teams together. We are supposed to be united at some level. We are supposed to at least TRY to get along with each other! Not be best freinds, but at least on polite talking terms.

This guy will avoid being within 5 feet of me if he can. If he walks past me in the street, he'll look the other way so he doesn't have to make eye contact.

I've now backed off completely due to self preservation. If i say anything to him where he HAS to respond, he's very short and sharp, and he's said some very cutting things to me, that have come out of nowhere! If i know i have to talk to him, i feel like i need a courage drink first. I actualy have to work myself up to it!

Ideally i'd like to talk to him about it. I'd like to sit down and have it out, even with a mediatar.

But it's gotten to a stage where i can't even think about my relationship with him, without shedding a tear. Because it hurts. As a Christian i care about him, and when you care about someone that you have to interact with all the time, and they see you as nothing but pond scum, it kinda gets to you. I don't want to ask him if we can sit down and sort it out, and have him go off his nut about it.

A few weeks ago. I was standing at a shop door, and he walked past as if i wasn't there [again]. I didn't say hello [coz that usualy results in getting my head bitten off] but i smiled..in vein.

It hurt, as usual. So i gave it to God [Why is that usualy the last resort??] I asked God to heal the relationship. I asked him to soften this guys heart toward me.

Well this week a bit of progress was made. I asked him how he was enjoying a toy in his life, and he answered kinda nicely. We interacted for a few sentances like civil people, and it was good, before the cutting remark at the end. Some progress you say?

Well it was, because of the few sentances BEFORE the cutting remark. Normaly it's just the acknowledgement [by me], then straight to the cutting remark! [by him]

So thanks God, For what looks like a bit of healing. Please keep at it. Soften his heart and help him see that i have feelings that get hurt. Help him to look at how he interacts with people.

Thanks God [[HUG]]

2007-06-22T23:54:00.000-07:00

I was talking to a freind tonight about my clutter problem. I am one of those pack rats that can't throw anything out. And it's getting a bit worse each year. God has addressed it with me, in This post here.

The weird thing is, after God showed me the truth about this issue, And i saw what to do. The next day i didn't know anymore. I don't know how to explain that except maybe like this....

God opened a mental door, and through it i could see another room, a different, better room. Then out of the blue, Satan slammed it shut. Then i couldn't remember what was in the next room.

Mentaly i tasted honey, and went back to tasting dirt.

I didn't put a lot of thought into it untill tonight when i was talking about it. Now it's bothered me and i have to deal with it. I'm going to bed now, so i'll talk to "Dad" about it :o)

2007-06-21T19:30:00.000-07:00

I've always thought that "Spare the rod, Spoil the child" Proverbs 13-24, ment that we need to physicaly correct our children when they do wrong or they'll grow up to be horrible people.. I never put any thought into it, i just took that sentance as black & white.I took it for granted with my oldest [now teenage] child, Alix, who is a bit of a difficult child to live with. She always seemed to be looking for trouble and doing something that warranted a smack.
6 months ago she moved out of home, and i was left with my two children aged 10 & 7, who are very easy to care for & live with in comparison!
In relation to disiplining them, i've come to realise that "He who withholds his rod hates his son, But he who loves him disciplines him diligently." isn't talking about smacking our kids whenever they play up. But it's talking about disipline as a whole. The rod represents disipline. The rod demands respect.
We don't want our kids to be afraid of us. We want them to learn to behave constructively in order to conduct themselves properly when they become adults.

For those of us who were smacked as kids, we tend to say, "I was smacked as a kid, and i turned out alright." But did we really? I'm 36, and when i look at my Dad, there's still that scared 9yo that looks back at him from behind my eyes. Not respect..fear.
My own daughter, i believe, was/is damaged by the amount of smacking i gave her. In hind sight, i think she has some of the problems she does because i was quicker to smack her, than properly take the time to "correct" her. She behaved at home, because she knew she'd get a smack if she played up. But then as soon as she was out of the house, she ran a muck, knowing there were no immediate consiquences [?] I hadn't taught her better ways to behave. I just taught her to fear me.
I've come to realise that the rod is a much wider, complicated range of disipline. Disipline that comes from really knowing our children, and really loving them. It is a whole relationship in itself.
And where does the smack fit? Do we really need to smack our kids in order to effectively correct them? Did God really mean for us to hit our children?

I know it's too late to take that back now for Alix, but i can use the information to better our relationship [somehow].
And i can use this revelation with my other two children.

Thanks God, for opening my eyes & while i'm still in a position to use it. You're the best! :o)

2007-06-18T12:27:00.000-07:00

Yesterday i was pulling out of the McDonalds car park, when a guy in a reved up sports car came racing up behind me. He was apparantly annoyed at me for pulling out in front of him, even though he was waaaay down the road when i pulled out. But he was speeding and didn't want to slow down to my max legal speed. He sat on my tail till i indicated to turn a corner, then he nearly clipped my car in a hurry to get around me, and he just blasted his horn at me.
Instinctively, i do what i always do, and stuck my finger out the window.
I suffer from road rage to a certain degree. It annoys me no end when people aren't complying with road rules, and then they get upset when other people are. It just REALLY erks me!
But even though i have a "lose finger" around crappy drivers, Yesterday was the first time that "Dad" really told me off for it. Here i am with a pretty fish sticker on the back of my car, and a pretty cross hanging from my rear view mirror [To remind me to behave i might add] and what do i do? Give people the finger. What does that say about me? What does that say about the awesome God i'm supposed to be representing?
That both God and i hate crappy drivers? And they need to be taught a lesson, and they'll only learn if i show them a hostile finger? No. It says that i am a hypacrite. And perhaps God is a hypacrite too [It REALLY hurt writting the words "God is a hypacrite"!]
This is the first time God has pulled me up on it,And i feel like a chastised child.
I'll really need to work on my responses. But because he pointed it out, i know he'll help me.

2007-06-14T18:47:00.000-07:00

Yesterday i let Jason have a sick day off school. Rose was in Sydney for an excursion, And seen as i do my grocery shopping on Wednesday, i thought i'd take Jason. We had ourselves a "date".
First we went out for breakfast, then he went to his Nanas' while i did the grocery shopping [He hates doing that], then we went clothes shopping together. He needed some jeans, and i bought a nice shirt. We had a lovely time together, And i'm looking forward to doing it again.
I've always taken my girls out for "dates", but never Jason. Jason and i are very close, but i never thought of doing the shopping thing with a male. Even if he is my son!
We looked at games, videos and toy cars. Then we looked clothes for me, and talked about the pros & cons of each item i looked at. Then after we were both satisfied with what i'd picked. We moved on to boys clothes. We looked at all sorts of stuff before settling on some blue faded jeans.
It was a lovely day.
Thanks God, for opening up a new dimension in mine and Jasons relationship :o)

2007-06-11T23:26:00.000-07:00

Yesterday i had a little accident and stretched a ligament in my right foot.
I've been instructed to keep off it for a few days. Because of my weight, it could delay it healing quickly too.
So i've stayed off it and kept it elivated.
I also have a knee/hip/ankle problem at the moment in my left leg.
Well God has blessed me during the foot thing. My knee/hip/ankle hasn't made noises once in the last day and a half. In keeping the right foot elivated, i'm leaning more on my left side. That's the first thing that stirs up my knee [that then continues up to my hip and down to my ankle]
[gee i sound old lol]
So Thanks God, for taking away one ailment, at least while the second heals. That's awesome! :o)

2007-06-08T18:32:00.000-07:00

As all Christians have [I assume] i have a couple of "project people" that Goad has chosen for me. Let me tell you the story about one of mine* imagine tacky flashback sequence*
When the kids started at their little country school [14 kids] 2 years ago, There was [is] a father out there who is the ultimate "poor me, everyone is against me" drama king.
His daughter, Sally* [9] and Rose hit it off straight away. So because of this, Dave* and his wife Doris* started talking to me at the school gate as we waited for our kids, about how everyone at the school bullies their kids [Including their son, Sid*,12] because they are different. And it's the teachers fault because they let the kids bully them, and actualy pick on the kids themselves yadda yadda blah blah.
They are typical yokels, but their kids seemed ok.
I listened to them, but didn't really take much notice of what they said. It was obvious from the start that they were "poor me, everyone is against me" people.

A couple of weeks after starting school, Sally wanted to come over for a sleepover. Seen as they live out of town, i agreed to go and get her.

We sat down and had coffee [i think it was coffee lol] and i asked them why they don't allow their kids to take part in scripture class, or even be within earshot! Dave then went into this big rant about how evil God is and why. He doesn't want his kids exposed to such curruptness etc. He spoke about "God" actualy meaning "Dog" and all this hellish stuff that blended together. Daves heart was cold and hard and ugly! Well, As i sat there listening to him, i felt sick and actualy started shaking [and i don't get un-nerved very easily!] What he was saying to me about God was ugly and sickening and i just wanted to get up, run to my car and drive home as quickly as possible!

And i pretty much did that. But as i walked out, i said to him, "So do you keep your kids away from scripture because they would find it confronting? Or because it will challange you?" And he said, "Both". I told him that i [And my home] am a God fearing Christian, and if Sally was to come to my place. We wouldn't hide that from her. So they'll be sending her there knowing that. They said that Rose was Sallys only freind basicly, so they'll wear that.

I came home and vowed i'd never go back. I had nightmares about the guy and everything! I felt sick when i thought about him and what he said!

But as usual, God had other ideas....

He told me that i would be going back to Daves, and even though God didn't expect me to be Daves best freind, God wanted me to be the light in Daves life. God wanted me to stand for him.

Well now the story of Jonah springs to mind? No. I listened to God and i have been a freind to Daves family. I have done my best to be the light that God requires. I hear him out when he needs to rant some more about God and his worthlesness. But i don't really feel sick anymore [once i did. I actualy lost sleep over something he said] God gives me the words i need to stop Dave in his tracks. Dave appears to think about what i'm saying to him.

His wife, Doris, just goes along with everything Dave says. [I like Doris, but she's kinda Daves little Robot. I feel sorry for her] His kids are too scared to have an opinion of their own. Dave is quite intimidating, and when his kids even look like they might be straying from his opinions, he veraly hammers them into the ground! And their son, Sid, has actualy just starting agreeing with his dad just because it's easier. And he defends what his dad says, with a passion!

But Sally is a different story. I believe she is the key to Gods plan for this family. Sally defends what her dad says as well. But when she comes to our place, she shows curiosity towards scripture. As i told Dave from the beginning that i wouldn't hide our beliefs from Sally, that gives me free reign to read biblical bedtime stories, include Sally and her family in our dinner time Grace, play biblical games, and talk to my kids in front of her about how awesome Jesus is. Even way more than usual! [lol]

Sally sometimes asks stuff, but she always says at the end of the question, "Please don't tell dad i said anything!" And i say i won't.

I don't do anything that can be interpreted as trying to "twist" their daughter around. As they are "poor me, everyone is against me" people, i'm veeeery careful of how i approach everything with Sally.

Rose has started to not like Sally very much because she's bossy [usual kids stuff] So it's up to God to work on Roses heart about that now.

With the school stuff, i've kinda become the meat in the sandwich! The other parents want Dave out because he keeps approaching the kids and threatening them over them bullying his kids. The other parents keep writing letters to the education department about his conduct. And they keep hassling me to write about tiny things he's done to me [Nothing major, and i deal with it myself] Like the time Sid and Rose had an arguement and Dave came over to my place the next day to convince me that it was some other boys saying mean things to Rose, and they told her it was Sid who said it [Sid & Sally can't do anything wrong you see]. And i said that Rose heard Sid say it, as it was to her face. And i only know what Rose has told me. We sorted it out that day, so why then send a letter to the education department? So i'm kinda being shuned for not complying with the other 6 families in order to get rid of Dave. But i'm also Daves only sounding board outside of his home and he wants to feel that someone is on his side.When he talks to me about this stuff, i can feel his pain. He really feels that he's just trying to do the right thing by his kids. It's his reality, and i feel empathy for him.So there's never a good time to say something like, "Look, i really don't want to talk about this school stuff."

I'm not on anyones "Side" I know that the other families are over reacting a little sometimes, and i know that Dave is mostly blowing things out of proportion. But why should i have to take a side?

Last night there was a P & C meeting [PTA] at the school, and i knew it was an ambush waiting for Dave, because he had gone to a mothers house when he knew her husband wasn't home, and threatened her because her boys were supposedly picking on Sid [amoung other things]

The fathers were at the meeting for the first time, and it just turned into a big verbal brawl! I didn't go because i knew what was going to happen. I hated not being able to warn Dave beforehand, but on the other hand i knew he needed to face the concequences of his actions.

Dave called me as soon as he got home from the meeting to tell me about his "persicution".

He also told me that i was accused of spreading nasty rumours at the meeting, and about what. And he said one of the dads called me a fat bitch. I kinda just told him it was a shame that they didn't get the issues sorted out, and i got off the phone.

But straight away, i called 3 people who were at that meeting and got them to call me back. [I got answering machines as they were still at the meeting.]

None of what Dave said was true at all, about me.

I know that he just really wants someone to be on his side, and he wanted me to be just as annoyed with these people as he is. But that's taking it too far. He hurt me with that. He said things happened that he know would upset me, for his own selfish gain, and that hurt.

I dreamt about him all last night. And i've tried to make sense out of what motivated him to do that on a deeper level.

I thought about confronting him and letting him know that that's not on. That no matter what his beef is with other people, it's not called for to hurt someone like that in order to manipulate them. But by now he believes those lies himself. Nothing surer! Knowing that's his thought pattern, if i confront him, Then i'll be the enemy too. The other parents would haven't "gotten to me".

When i woke up this morning, i knew God still wanted me in Daves life [Darn! lol]

So i'm going to have to tell him that i don't want to talk about school issues with him any more. I don't want to hear about them. Considering that's seriously the only thing he likes to talk about, this'll be a very interesting twist in the relationship. I'll report here when i've found the right moment :o)

*Not their real names :o)

2007-06-04T10:10:00.000-07:00

We also have cats. Two of whitch would like to eat the chooks. So when we let them out, i would sit with them. I would watch them walk around and listen to them talk to each other. They have a language that the other animals don't understand, but i do. They make a funny series of noises when a cat is near. A funny noise to say, "Back off, i saw the bug first!" and "Where are you two going? Wait for me!" etc. They are very entertaining creatures.

They follow me around untill they see something that distracts them. When it's getting dark i lead them back into the chook pen. Even though they really don't want to go, i know that when it gets dark, that's when the predators have the advantage. I know when the cats are slinking about, watching from the shadows. But i usualy know they are there before the chooks do, and i shoo them off. They stay away, but not too far away. And they just wait for the next opportunity to get close. The chooks know they are completely safe with me there, if they stay close. And i love them :o)

Being with the chooks reminds me of our relationship with God.

This is how:

We have 3 red chooks. A nice number to provide eggs for us and dig up our vege patch before we replant. Even though they look the same, I know them by name. Honey, Henny Penny, and Chicken Little [She's the youngest] [As God knows us by name]
We also have cats. [Satan & his cronies] Two of whitch would like to eat the chooks. So when we let them out, i would sit with them. [The shepard] I would watch them walk around and listen to them talk to each other. [As he is interested in everything we do] They have a language that the other animals don't understand, but i do. [Prayer] They make a funny series of noises when a cat is near. A funny noise to say, "Back off, i saw the bug first!" and "Where are you two going? Wait for me!" etc. They are very entertaining creatures. [He hears everything we say and think]
They follow me around untill they see something that distracts them. [We follow God, but get distracted along the way by worldly things] When it's getting dark i lead them back into the chook pen. Even though they really don't want to go, i know that when it gets dark, that's when the predators have the advantage. [ God knows what's best for us when we don't. He knows better] I know when the cats are slinking about, watching from the shadows. [Satan is always there, waiting for a weakness] But i usualy know they are there before the chooks do, and i shoo them off. [God protects us when we trust in him. And sometimes, even when we dont] They stay away, but not too far away. And they just wait for the next opportunity to get close. The chooks know they are completely safe with me there, if they stay close. [We need to give everything over to God and make sure we are a spotless bride. If Satan can accuse us, he will. If we separate from God in any way, Satan will take advantage] And i love them :o) [As God loves us, and wants us to have a full, happy, productive life under his watchful eye]

Pretty cool huh? :o)

2007-06-01T20:47:00.000-07:00

A weight was lifted off my shoulders this afternoon. I spoke to a freind who joined our church not long ago [Yes it's you lol] about something that eats at me every so often. No-one visits me from our church just to be sociable. Yet this freind appears to have a stream of visitors from church & It's not just her. I usualy drive past other church members places on the way to the shop etc, and they usualy always have fellow church members visiting. I don't think about it a lot, but when i do, i get kinda bummed.
It happened at our last church too. I don't begrudge anyone freindship. Some people just attract people, so that never bothered me. I guess i always just wondered, "What's wrong with me?"
It stems from waaaay back though. I've never made freinds easily and i was always a loner. Mostly not by choice though. I was a weird kid in a lot of ways. Just one of those oddballs that no-one quite knew how to take. I attracted people, but the seriously deranged ones! [and not in a good way!] So even though i was really lonely, i adapted to enjoy my own company. And i went through life with seriously under developed social skills!
When i started going to church, about 12 years ago, i seemed to be accepted. For the first time in my life people actualy accepted me, and for who i was. I developed relationships that weren't just a "Hello" at church on Sunday mornings. So i figured that's what church is like.
My first marriage failed and i moved on. I went to a variety of churches in order to find the right one. But i never stayed long enough to develop relationships.
We settled at a church where we stayed for 4 years, and everyone there seemed to be in their own little worlds, The relationships formed were for church activity only.
Then we moved to the church we are at now. I instantly felt like i belonged to this church. And at the beginning people were eager to get to know us. But it faded fast, and i was left feeling like that weird oddball kid again. Lucky i'm going to church for God, and not for the people.
I enjoy my own company more than anything, and i don't like people turning up on my doorstep un-announced. But i'd kinda like people to at least show an intorest every now and then.
So today i was at my freinds place, and i told her that maybe i'm just not really a likeable person and why. She said that no one visits her either unless it's for a reason. And they didn't at her last church either. She said she thought that it was just because people are really busy.
I never really thought of it like that. I was too busy feeling like a reject whenever i thought of it. Feeling like it was just me.
Is that a form of pride?
Selfishness?
Or just human reaction?
I dunno, but it feels a lot better to think that people are just too darn busy!

UPDATE: [The Next Day]
I got up this morning and read over this post, because something wasn't quite right. Then it hit me like a brick. Suddenly it was all too clear - The above wasn't the issue at all [About the visiters]. It was just Satan taking advantage of an old unrested vulnerability & i just didn't see it.
I'll hand it to him, he's good! But the spirit is better, and it's God who gives me the eyes i need to see the losers' tricks!

I can't believe i let him blindside me like that!

2007-05-25T09:07:00.000-07:00

This entry is for something fun.
Write Like a Babylonian: Take a step back in time. See your monogram in cuneiform,the way an ancient Babylonian might have written it :o)

2007-05-21T22:36:00.000-07:00

That's me in the black [For anyone who hasn't seen me], singing in the worship team at church. It was something i never thought i'd do before last year. And even though i don't think i'm a brilliant singer, i really enjoy it! I would sing every weekend if i could! [But i can't, coz there's lots of us and we take turns ] And i really believe God put me there, because every week i'm involved in the worship team, He teaches me something new. And i just know it can only get better. The whole team is getting better all the time. It's awesome, Just awesome! AWWWWWEEESOME!!
This pic was taken in a travelling tent that was visiting our town, and we sung there. Boy was that an intoresting weekend for all involved!

2007-05-20T18:06:00.000-07:00

Rose is going to the Sydney Opera House with three of her schoolmates in June. There, they'll be part of a group [800 kids] who will do a piece together. I'd love to go, but i'd have to drive, and there's no way i could drive through Sydney!! Just the thought of it makes me sweat! lol
But anyway, Rose thought she'd like to get up and give a solo performance at church for everyone. Seen as Rose is kinda shy, that's a big deal for her. I really appreciate the Paster and Worship leader letting Rose do that just because she wanted to. It shows Rose that the elders in the church appreciate the younger ones and what they have to offer as people. That's great :o)
And she did really well. I wonder if she remembered she was getting up in front of everyone when she decided to wear her slippers to church? lol

2007-05-15T09:44:00.000-07:00

I had a wonderful mothers day this year! It was just awesomely awesome!
Except the fact that Alix didn't bother ringing me for mothers day. I know that it's something really simple. But coming from Alix, it's a multiplied hurt. Alix didn't want to say happy birthday to me last year either [gee here's another"poor me"!], and she was living with us then!
I waited all day for her call. And even when i went out, the first thing i did when i came home, was check the phone for messages.
I sent her an e-mail telling her that i felt hurt that she'd forgotten me. But she didn't reply.
Pathetic i know, to harbour such a thing. But it's REALLY cut me! And for some sad reason, i don't want to pray about it yet. Instead, i want to nurse the hurt :o(

I blacked out Alix's eyes because i didn't want her looking at me while i posted.

2007-05-14T10:41:00.000-07:00

The Church We Don't See

Every week we go to church. We greet each other, We stand and sing together, We listen intently to the messege, We share a cuppa,cake and good conversation, Then we go home after another awesome day at church.
But What are we missing in that picture? The kids. There is a whole different church life going on for the little people, and it has nothing to do with what us adults are doing.
Below is a picture that really touched me yesterday. And it started me thinking about "The secret life of church kids", so i took a closer look.
Below is Charlotte [nearly 3]. Her Dad, Colin, is the worship leader. Yesterday Charlotte was snuggling with her mum, Merrilyn, while we sang the worship songs. What touched me was that Charlotte was not singing, but mouthing every single word that was being sung. For her age, i thought that was quite remarkable! I know her dad is the worship leader, so she hears the songs ALL the time. But 2yo's have a hard time trying to remember every word of "Twinkle twinkle little star", never mind full worship songs!
So even though we just try to keep our kids in line so we can enjoy the singing without too much interuption, Charlotte has shown me that our children are being influenced by the music a lot more than we give them credit for!

Kids Church

Below is my 7yo son, Jason. The kids church leader, Kathryn, was talking about Moses & the burning bush. Jason was multi-tasking. Here he is with his head under the couch cover, picking his nose & eating it, so know one could see. [gross i know. Why am i even admitting he's mine? lol] He spent most of the lesson under there. Then when the kids had to draw something to do with Moses, Jason started panicking because he didn't even know who Moses was!
Maybe we should be aware of what the kids are learning about in kids church, so we can continue the lessons at home during every day activities? That way, the bible lessons will be deeper ingrained.

I don't know what this poor guys name is [Something beginning with "J"], but he fell asleep as soon as he got into kids church, and slept through the noise untill the end! Why can't i sleep through all that noise?? lol

Below is Charlotte, Naomi, and Dawn. They were colouring in while the church service was going on. Even though they were busy, the word was still getting through to them. And that has to be a great bonus!

At the rate Charlotte's going, she'll be preaching in 5 years anyway! :o)

I took these pictures in one day. But i'm going to keep a very close eye on our children, and how church effects them. And even how they effect church. Because their church experience is not what we see. It's nothing to do with the adults at all. And that's intoresting :o)

2007-05-10T23:08:00.000-07:00

I found this awesome tattoo on the net. I really love it! I bet it cost a fortune too :o] What a great bit of evangelism on a hot summers day!

2007-05-10T15:44:00.000-07:00

Back to the Alix saga, [I could write a movie out of this!] Things are going from bad to worse for Alix. Her tantrums and rebelion are getting more violent and making less sense. Sometimes it's easier for me to babble on about the things that Alix does, rather than stay focused on God's promise to lead her [and the rest of the family] through it.
I got a phone call early this morning, telling me she'd run away through the night. No-one knew where she was heading or how long she'd been gone. As she's in a big city, that's kinda scary!
I had to go into the next town for some work related stuff. I sat in an underground carpark and just thought about Alix. And God asked me if i trust him. I didn't even have to think about that. Yes i do trust him, and he seems to be giving me the ability to trust him more than i as a human can.
Again, i had to make a choice. Am i going to look at this situation in a worldly way, and chose to hang on to the worry and doubt? Or am i going to hand the whole thing [not just some bits] to him, and let him deal with it as he sees fit? Can i stand back and trust him when God is bringing Alix to her knees in order to get past her pride, and reach her? Can I?

Yes.

2007-05-07T11:55:00.000-07:00

Last week at bible study, somehow it popped up in the conversation, If Jesus were around on earth now, what would he drive? Someone suggested a big flash car, Someone else suggested he'd still walk around, i suggested a beat up old Ford, and someone else suggested a hippy VW combi. Well i've been thinking about that. If Jesus came to earth today, rather than 2 thousand years ago, what would his journey be like? What would he eat? What would he think of our churches? Or of the varying religions? Would he walk through the main streets of town, or the back streets?

I think the combi is probably would he would drive, if he drove anything. [Yay Annie & Laura!]

I think he'd probably sleep at backpacker hostels.

Would he have a silly sense of humour? Would he be amused by toilet humour like most of us are?

Would he get down with the little people, and meet them where they are at with every day things?

What would he say about the churches? Would he be getting angry and tipping over tables in the church grounds? Would he be angry at what we've made it as a nation?

Would he be disoppointed at what we, as a culture, have become?

And what would he say to all those well intentioned followers who think they are doing the right thing, but are actualy pushing people away from God? And what would he say to the people who they pushed away?

And how would the church respond to him?

We are selfish people. The "church" as most of the world sees it, is still really what it always has been: Organised religion. There is still no place for Jesus within it's walls. Would we be quicker today to crucify him than we were 2 thousand years ago?

And how many of us "Followers" would really follow him to that cross?

Would you?

When i first became a Christian, i was given a movie to watch that changed my life yet again. It was the first Left Behind movie, set in the 70's. I don't remember a lot about it, but i remember what changed me. In it, the mark of the beast came, and whoever didn't renounce Christ had their head chopped off via a gilatine [or however it's spelt lol]. And the people knew it was going to happen before it happened. They were asked at the gilatine[?] for the last time, if they would renounce Christ and live with their loved ones here on earth, or die right now. After watching that, i cried and cried!

I realised that i had to decide right there and then wheather i would have my head chopped off and leave everything else behind to follow Christ. And it's not a one-off choice either, I have to decide every day to have my head chopped off.

I read in a book once a line that rings very true for all of us. "Live every day as if it's your last, because one day it will be." How awesome is that?!

And Christ is here today. He is with us when we are cooking our family a meal, cursing that driver who cut us off, pottering in the garden, handing that elderly person a grocery item from a high shelf in the supermarket, getting excited over reaching the high score in an X-Box game. He is right there through it all. And he cares about it all.

What would Jesus be like?

For me He would be the best freind a girl could have. He'd make the best coffee [decaf of course], and tell me honestly if my dress made me look fat..cough..fatter. He'd be the re-assuring shoulder to cry on when things go wrong, and he'd carry my load for me and still ask for more, We'd laugh at the silly antics of a cat, We'd lay under the stars and he'd tell me what each star does or belongs to. We'd talk about heavan and how awesome it is. I'd tell him about my dad, and he'd tell me about his. And when i'm with him, nothing else would matter. The best freind a girl could have!

And all he wants in return is for me to believe in him just half as much as he believes in me :o)

2007-05-06T15:10:00.000-07:00

Since my last post, things have changed quite dramaticaly! I haven't had a drink, and the journey has actualy been fairly easy. I believe that it is only because i have completly trusted in Gods grace and mercy.
I use to read about people trusting that his grace would carry them [Both in the bible and in peoples testimonies] And i never really understood how people did that or what it ment.
I would pray that God would carry me through it, and i would pray with all my heart with the limited understanding that i had.
That one fateful night changed everything. As i stated in the last entry, he waited untill i really, REALLY wanted it before he did his "Thang". And since then i have felt as if i'm spiritualy being carried along, like i'm floating in a current. And i just know that current is God's strength, not mine. Hence i'm being carried by God's [amazing] grace. It almost feels like i never had a drinking problem in the first place, and that's weird!
Remember when, a few posts ago, i said:
" There is something going on inside my heart that is hard to discribe. God is definatly doing things in me that will result in enormous changes."
Well he was. He was preparing my heart to be ready for his will, and i'm grateful.
I still haven't told anyone at church [bar one] or any freinds. I know that when something miraculous happens, we should share it as part of God's witness. I plan to get up in front of the church and tell it, But i feel the time isn't right to share it yet. And besides, i'm also worried that when i share it, various people will say stuff like, "Yea give her time. She'll cave in." So i'll leave it for a substantial amount of time for both reasons.
Since giving up, other areas in my life have been changing too. Having that big wall torn down has given me room to move forward and grow in other areas. But i'll save that for another post...

2007-04-20T15:15:00.000-07:00

As you know, i have a drinking problem. So does John, so two booze hags living in the house together is a no win situation!

Well last week something happened that scared the crap out of me!I was laying in bed one night and my heart was pounding really hard and a little slower [whitch was odd] It usualy beats harder, trying to work the concentrated caffeine around my body from the 6 cans of Jim Beam and coke that is my usual amount. And i can't go to sleep untill my heart beats regularly.So i was laying in bed feeling my heart, and it started slowing and pumping, "Deeper" if that makes sense. And then in my heart of hearts i heard the gentle voice of God. He told me that one of these beats will be my last. Well then i shat myself and begged him to make my heart settle, and i asked him to take the burden of the addiction from me. I wanted to live. I want to live! Almost straight away, my heart started beating at a normal pace. And amidst my tears, i fell asleep.

That was 6 days ago and i haven't had a drink since. I didn't even want one untill last night. John was working night shift, so i put my wallet in his work bag so i couldn't use it to run off to the bottle shop after he'd gone. Each time i've thought about having a drink, the reality that hit me that night comes flooding back!This is the longest i've gone without a drink for a year. [sad, i know] And only today i'm feeling like things are "Real" and the haze is lifting. I didn't even know there was a haze untill now that it's going away!I feel really good, even though while i was drinking, i didn't realise i didn't feel good. I just had no idea the alcohol was affecting me like it was. I had no idea that the effects of the alcohol on my body lasted much longer than the "buzz". I wasn't giving my body time to recover at all, before starting on the next session.

Thank you God, For answering prayers when you know we REALLY want it!

2007-04-12T15:58:00.000-07:00

Therefore keep watch, because you do not know on what day your Lord is coming back.

I have stumbled across a few jems i thought i'd share. I bought a [thriller] novel by Tim Lahaye called Babylon Rising. He is a best selling Christian author. My husband reads a lot of Stephen King/Dean Koontz and i don't mind the odd thriller either. But Both those authors are a little too...un-Christiany in their writtings. Good, but not very good for the Christian heart if you know what i mean! In finding a suitable author to read, i'm VERY picky!!

So i found Babylon Rising in the local Christian book shop and it looked pretty good. As did the second book in the series, The Secret on Ararat, that i bought with it, thinking i could persuade John with some "Wholesome" thrillers.

I started reading Babylon Rising myself and i have to say that this author has definatly got some talent!

Writting is his ministry. He writes different stuff. But i'm just commenting on these novels [He also wrote the Left Behind series, as well as some other books] as i haven't read anything else of his.

Tim has a knack of getting into the story straight away, Preaching the word throughout the book, and making us want to learn more about the biblical matters, as well as writting a darn good thiller with deep, loveable [and hateable] charecters!

I probably read one novel per year, if that. But after i finished his first book, i got straight into the second!

In chapter two, book two, he done a lively "piece" on the Bride of Christ, and how we are to be ready...really ready! And even though i've heard about the bride and being ready several times in my walk, His words [Well, Jesus's] really struck a chord in me! Enough that i've pondered over it for 2 days. Are my affairs in order? Is my "house" clean? Am i ready for departure? I'm seriously working on it!

I just want to consume this book, and i can't wait to find book three!

For anyone who likes thrillers, these books are a must!

2007-04-03T16:51:00.000-07:00

I nearly didn't go to church on Sunday. My back has been pinching a lot at the bottom. And on Saturday arvo it started hurting further up the top of my back as well. By Sunday morning i felt like my back was warping and i felt i'd be much better off in bed!
But i said to John, "I really want to nurture my back rather than to go to church. But whenever i don't go, that's when the best sermons happen! lol"
So we packed our stuff and went.
We had a visiting speaker and he was really good :o)
After the service, Graeme [our paster] had an alter call and i went up. I really want to understand the things going on inside me. He prayed for me and even though I still didn't understand,my back felt great!! lol
That was 2 days ago, and it STILL feels great!
Thanks God! *HUG*

2007-03-31T23:12:00.000-07:00

There is something going on inside my heart that is hard to discribe. God is definatly doing things in me that will result in enormous changes. A few of the below posts are part of it.
And at the same time, Satan is trying to take back the ground that God is working on. The best way i can describe what is happening is:
When you are in the late stages of pregnancy, you know when the baby is awake. You know that he is moving around and doing stuff, even though you can't see him, or say exsactly what it is that he's doing. You are aware he's busy doing stuff. Weather it be sucking his thumb, playing with the umbilical cord or grabbing his toes. But you don't know what he's doing.
That's kinda what it feels like now. I know God is doing stuff inside me. And i know i'm under attack because of it. But i don't understand what it is that's happening, and i want to.
I am content to just know that God is doing his "thang", but the stuff he's doing is personality altering stuff, so i'd kinda like to be kept up to date you know?

2007-03-24T11:31:00.000-07:00

I don't know why [ I just know how] but one incident after another is happening between myself and other members of my church. I don't know if it's happening with other people within our church.
Little wedges are being jammed in here and there. Offence is the big one of course. I don't really let things get to me. Especially little things that aren't that important in the big picture. Everyone is different and that's what makes life interesting.
I'm not typicaly a person who suffers from pride [unless i'm driving, but that's a different story! lol] so i don't tend to react badly to other peoples bad moods, stressed out behaviour, or just little things in general.
But lately i've been taking offence at things and really taking them on board. And when i have a problem i need to talk about, i'm not going to the people within the church i usualy go to, or anyone else [in the church]. I feel like i'm alienated, but not by anything. Just..because. I'm not harbouring any resentments towards anyone. As soon as i know i'm feeling offence, i pray about it, deal with it and move on as genuinely as i honestly can. Because i know the one place Satan attacks first is the church. If he can divide the church, he can divide the church from the community etc. So i try to stay aware of that.
There is no valid reason for me to feel sensitive and distant at the moment.
I'm under some sort of spiritual attack and i know i need to be in fellowship as much as possible. But when i am in fellowship, i feel more alone and distant from everyone than ever. Hence, i'm sensitive to what's being said to me. It's a vicious circle!
I'm staying close to God and to his word, and at the moment, i think that's about all i can do.

2007-03-15T03:27:00.000-07:00

In January, My oldest daughter, Alix - 14yo, went to live with her biological father. It was a huge thing for me. [Read about it here and the promise here]

Alix has since been hospitalised because she is convinced she is a vampire, and she keeps biting people. They put her in hospital to find out what makes her tick.

I was personaly relieved that she'd been hospitalised, because i assumed she'd now finaly get the help she so desprately needs. We live in a small town and her father lives in a big city. So the services available to her will be numurous!

However, no-one from the hospital has bothered to call me regarding Alix's personal development over the years. Alix is due to leave the hospital tomorow, and i asked her tonight, just what help or counceling she's had over the past week. She said they've had regular schooling and an hour a day of group theropy. They talk about their family lives and how they feel about it.

Even though Alix is a compulsive liar, there was no room to lie here. I'm not inpressed and i'll be on the phone first thing tomorow to talk to someone, anyone, who might give a toss about my daughter!

If anyone is reading this, Please, PLEASE pray for Alix. Please pray that someone pays attention and she doesn't get lost in paperwork.

Thank you :o)

2007-03-02T05:42:00.000-08:00

Australia is in the middle of the worst draught in it's history. We had a very dry winter last year, It only rained 3 times in our area. Usualy the winters here are very wet! [But allthough the winter was mild, we had the worst frosts in 40 years according to the local nursery lady. ]Summer was looking really bad at first. It was hot and very dry. There was no grass to mow and the trees were forcing themselves into an early autum just to try and survive. The ground was turning into dry dust in places and we were on level 5 water restrictions. No garden hoses at all, no topping up/filling swimming pools etc.

The weather was a big prayer point!

Then,I don't know about other parts of Australia, but in NSW the past two weeks have looked like the pictures below nearly every day! It has thundered & rained almost every day on and off, and it is awesome!! It really is just awesome!

Thanks God :o)

2007-02-14T04:40:00.000-08:00

While reading my latest book, i read one paragraph that effected me more than the whole brilliant book. Since the minute i read this one paragraph, God has really spoken to me about it and opened a floodgate of change into my life!

This is it...

Christ said that, "Men will have to give account for every

careless word spoken." [Matt 12:35-37]

If God records even our careless words, how much more will he

take into account our calculated boastfull claims,

our cutting criticisms of others, our off-colour jokes,

and our unkind comments.

This effected me so much because my biggest problem in my life, is my mouth. Of course i didn't realise just how much untill this moment, when it all became so painfully clear!

But what also became clear, was that the problems with my mouth effect every part of my life in one way or another. I'm a noisey person who doesn't really say much important or valuable stuff & i'm always goofing around. I've sort of accepted that my social job in life is just to inject pointless humour into conversations because i don't have anything worthwhile to bring to the table [so to speak]. That's not a put down towards myself. That's seriously, brutaly honestly how it really is! I just don't know how to be any other way.

Untill now.

Now, God won't lead us to something without leading us through it. So since i read the above paragraph, he's been pointing out stuff that needs to be changed, and giving me the opportunities to alter my words before they fall out of my mouth.

God has a big job ahead of him on this project! He's asking me to change 99% of my verbal activity, and all i can say is, I'm really glad he's in charge, coz i couldn't do it without him at the wheel!

Thank you God for being the most awesome, Loving, teacher a gal could have! :o)

2007-02-07T22:52:00.000-08:00

You know how i said in the last post about that guy who challenged my knowledge of God?
Weeeell today i bumped into the same guy in the local supermarket. The conversation got back around to God [i don't know why that always happens] and for the first time since i met the guy, God's messege just fell out of my mouth. This is a man who knows "Everything" and he doesn't miss a beat during a contraversial conversaton. He has an answer for EVERYTHING! And today i actualy had him pausing to think. I didn't want to use the bible as a weapon [as i never do] but what i had to say, just let this guy know that Jesus loves everyone, no matter what! And that had him stumped :o)
Thanks God, gee you rock!!! :o)

2007-02-05T00:42:00.000-08:00

Since i verbalised the last post, I personaly have had spiritual attacks from all sides! I had someone try to challenge my knowledge of God, Extra dramas from Alix, and dramas from the towns big mouth/trouble maker [don't know how else to put that].
I'm not the kind of person who dwells on things and lets things get to me easily. But all 3 of these instances weighed heavily on my mind and i couldn't get rid of them! I dealt with them the best i could, and as maturely as i could, but i just couldn't stop thinking about them! Day and night they went around in my head, and it was really getting crowded in there! lol
So a couple of days afterwards, i gave the burden of the thoughts to God. I asked him to take them and i rebuked Satan out load, in Jesus's name. Then the rushing, crowding thoughts, left my poor head.
Now the thoughts occasionaly try to pop back in, but i just thank God for the big picture, and the thought goes away again [hence, so does the big loser himself!] :o)

2007-01-27T17:11:00.000-08:00

My oldest daughter, Alix, decided to go and live with her birth father, "Dick" for a year. I had a peace about her going, but i also struggled with letting her go because she is 14 and very niave to the world.She also has ADD and aspergers syndrome. Dick also lives in a different state and isn't much of a parent.

My pasters wife assured me that if i feel peace about it in my heart, that it is of God. I believed that. But the mother in me still worried about all the "what if"s.

When Alix left i felt relieved [and guilty that i felt that way] and i looked forward to being able to enjoy my two youngest children. All these years our days have been taken up with looking after Alix, and they have really missed out.So i want this next 12 months to be able to shower them with the attention they deserve.

Alix too felt that her life was stiffled and we were causing it. We had her on a very tight rope but we felt we had no choice.

Alix has been gone for 8 days today. Only now am i starting to see the plan clearly. This IS of God!

We live in a small town and news travels fast. People keep asking me why i let Alix go. And to be really honest, i didn't lie, but i told people the worst of the story. Maybe i was looking for people to validate my decision and make me feel less guilty?. I first knew that this is Gods plan when he said to me, in the darkness while i was trying to go to sleep,Something like this, "Don't draw attention to the bad side of Alix. You don't need to tell people the details of Alix's move. Keep it simple. If you tell the bad side, you are speaking that truth into Alix, and only the negitive truth. She is more than that, much more.Keep it simple, let me do the rest"

Every time he does that, my heart just melts! He knew that we needed help and i've prayed constantly for it [so has Alix]. I couldn't hear his gentle whisper with Alix here, because each day bought a new struggle to deal with from Alix. I couldn't let God in because everything else was a distraction. I really feel that God waited untill he felt that Alix was ready to be taken out of the picture, so he could work on all of the damaged hearts involved. First he'll let us all have a rest, then he'll do his wonderous work. I now believe [as i didn't before] that Alix will come back to us when her year is up, and i believe that we'll all have renewed hearts, and life will go on from there, a very different family life!

Thanks God, for knowing what's best, and knowing when it's best to do it!

--'-,--'--@

2006-12-20T13:28:00.000-08:00

This morning Alix & i tried to leave home early, so i could get into town early enough to get a parking space, any parking space, at the shopping centres [malls] to get some last minute shoppong done. With only a couple of shopping days untill Christmas, it's MAD out there!!!
I got held up so i didn't leave untill 9am-ish, and got into town at 9:30ish
First we went to Big W, and you wouldn't believe it, but i got a park 20 feet from the entrance!! As if that wasn't awesome enough, We then had to go to K-Mart and we got a park close to that entrance too!! Thanks God! :o)
When we left Big W, Alix said something like, "We'll never find a park like this at K-Mart. If we do, we'll have to kiss Gods butt big time!" And then as i rolled into that park at K-Mart, i said,"Go on then."

2006-12-18T03:38:00.000-08:00

On Sunday [yesterday] i sat in church feeling crap for being there. As i've said before, i struggle with alcohol. Well not all alcohol, but some labels [Not pointing any fingers at Jim Beam!] I've struggled through the past few weeks and i've drunk a lot. The drinking keeps me from a healthy relationship with God. I still look to him and ask for help, to be brutaly honest, just waiting for him to miraculously take the desire away. I know now that's extreemly unrealistic and it was my way of putting the responsibility on God instead of accepting the responsibility myself. So i go to church and reach out to God through the singing and the sermon, and then i go home and act like a spoilt brat. Still reaching to god with my hand and at the same time, stomping my feet!

Yesterday while sitting in church, God told me that i need to do with Jim Beam, What others do with fasting. I need to go without, but go without for God, not for me. And whenever i feel the need to have a drink, spent time praying and/or reading the bible and reading about his promises for my life. He made me believe, that if i do this, and in his name, i will succeed.

I claim that promise in the name of Jesus Christ! I waited on him and he did come through. As always, not the way i expected :o)