Since my last post, things have been opened up a bit.
I was beginning to feel as if my very soul was just a 5'7 pit of oozing black oil like sludge, rotating around my body. I felt ugly on the inside. I was being consumed by my sin. It was eating me alive. I couldn't talk about it - i felt no-one could possibly understand, or even want to. I had put myself in the "too hard" basket. So why would anyone else want to hear about it, and mess up their normal day?
I quit the worship team at church, because i'm now a fraud. God doesn't want to talk to me/help me. So how can i sing about how awesome he is when i feel like he's a deserter, and i don't deserve his help anyway, because i keep happily sinning the same sins every day? The same sins i despratly need his help in overcoming? [Even though i still tearfully sang worship songs during my days]
I wasn't going to go to church on Sunday either. I didn't think i could go to church and praise him with open arms when i didn't mean it.
But i got up on Sunday morning early enough, so i went. I stood there, up the front of the congregation, and sang the songs, through my tears, with slumped shoulders.
I looked at everyone else. So happy to be there, so happy to praise his awesome name. And i was so thankful that they couldn't see the blackness of my heart. I felt so seporate from them. I just wanted to run away.
*
We had a guest speaker from Compassion. She spoke and then our Paster spoke. But afterwards the guest speaker got up again, because she had a "word from God for someone in the congregation". Well, just like last week, this word was for me. How uncanny is that? Two weeks in a row, the guest speaker speaks to me, With a messege from God? I can't find the book that i wrote it in, but it was something along the lines of, "Romans something: I loved you before you were a sinner, just as i love you now."
I spoke to the guest speaker afterwards, and told her how there have now been two words from two different speakers for me. She prayed for me. I felt God tell me to keep pressing into him - as much or as little as i can. And he told me that i absolutely must get off the medication that i was on. Those drugs were messing with my head. So i did, and i feel a little closer to God.

But he's still not offering help in the areas that i desprately need help with, so the wounds are still there. I know he loves me, and i know he says to lean on him. But where is he with that?
WHERE IS HE?
I am a drunk
I am a binge eater
I surround myself with clutter.

They are all intertwined with each other somehow.
All these things make me feel better about smething. But i dont Know what. It's a deep rooted problem that i can't sort out myself.One or the other, or even all 3, effect me every day. I need him and only him. How much do i need to confess that i need him with my heart before he answers?

I will lean into him, as much or as little as i can. It's all i can do.

Today i listened to the song by Casting Crowns called "Praise you in this storm". And it was a good reminder that we need to praise him even when we are at our lowest.

I will "Praise him in this storm."

I spoke to the worship leader after church, and he talked me into staying with it.