My mum died about 10 years ago, and i've been angry with her ever since, to a certain degree. I know i shouldn't feel the way i have, but i sorta can't help it, or more to the point, didn't want to address it.
At the moment, the women's group in our church is doing a study on the "mother heart". And in part of the study, we were asked " What did our mother do for us, that we are thankful for?" Well that was a bit in-your-face for me. I've been thankful for her giving me life, raising me, feeding me, yadda yadda. But this was different. What one thing are we thankful for?

Well, it's no secret that i'm a bit odd. Anyone who knows me will tell you that. I've always been odd and i've never seen things quite like anyone else does.
My mum has always been aware of my oddness and embraced it. When i would come home from school crying, because i just didn't fit in anywhere, Mum told me that everyone else was missing out by not being my friend. I never quite 100% believed that [still don't], but it was awesome that 1 person accepted me for who i was, and she actually enjoyed my company. She made me feel like, as long as she appreciated me for who i was, everyone else could go jump!
Mum made it ok for me to be weird. She taught me that being myself, being true to myself, was important.
Now i'm 38 and still the odd one, but i'm comfortable with that. I accept that i'll never fit in anywhere. If i haven't by now, i'm never gonna! And it's ok :o)
It's been the story of my life, and once i realised that it was the one thing that i am extremely thankful to mum for, my heart toward her started to soften.
I am grateful to mum for giving birth to me, raising me, feeding me etc. But i'm REALLY grateful for her teaching me that it's ok to just be me. That is a lesson that i keep learning from as i get older.....

I found this "secret" over at Post Secret and it has really inspired me to do the same thing, to random people and in random situations. So thank you to the person who sent this secret in, thanking the person who wrote it [eer yea] :o)

<---About 2 years ago we borrowed the DVD "Sponge bob goes prehistoric". Jason has every Sponge bob DVD as he adores Sponge bob and we don't get to see him on tele.
But when we found that he didn't have the mentioned DVD and borrowed it, for some reason i decided to illegally copy it.

I'm not into copying stuff as a rule. In fact i openly oppose it. DVDs are cheap enough these days so there's no reason to "steal" them.
The only reason I'm happy to burn a movie is if it can't be found to buy.

So i don't know why i decided it was a good idea to burn the Sponge bob DVD. Maybe i felt that we'd bought every other one so we deserved a freebie? I don't know. But this DVD haunted me! As soon as we burnt it i regretted it. So in my head i promised God that i will buy the DVD when i see it in a store.
So a couple of months goes by and i see it in K-Mart, but I'm kinda short on cash so maybe next time...
Then a while later i see it in BigW, but I'm in a hurry so maybe next time...
Then i see it again in K-Mart. I look at it, feel guilty, but walk away anyway.
Each time i feel more and more like crap when i walk away. The little voice in my heart says, "You made a promise..."
A couple of weeks ago Jason, Rose and I were in BigW. I saw the DVD and this time i couldn't leave it there so we bought it.
We have a lot of DVDs, but i gotta say that this one is now my prized one!

Isn't that a weird little story? lol

I have a few Christian themed T-shirts that i wear for what i call "token evangelism". I didn't wear any to work for the first 6 weeks as it's a close environment and i wanted people to see me as the relatively easy going, every day person i am rather than be afraid to speak to me at all because i look like a bible basher.
I wore my shirt with the above print a week ago. People were a little taken back by it and most tried to pretend they hadn't even seen it, even though i knew they had just read it [either that or a lot of people checked out my boobs carefully that day lol] And i came home happy to know that i'd let people know i was a Christian without a word being said about it.
Then i went back to wearing my usual one liner T-Shirts.
Today i wore the Christian shirt again. Just before the first break i said a little prayer in my head, "Please God, people should feel easy enough around me now. Let my shirt stir curiosity and let people feel comfortable and willing to bring up the subject of you and let me have the right words to answer them."
Then we went to our break and afterwards i moved to a new item to pack [Coz i was bored with the previous item. We do it a lot] Less than 5 minutes into it, the woman [about 21yo] next to me [who i've only spoken to briefly once before, and about the town tart] said to me, "Have you heard of Hillsong?" I said i had and i'd been there once. And she said " I grew up in Hillsong. My parents pushed that way of life onto me so much that now i just don't want anything to do with it." I said " What do you have the most problem with?" And she said "Well for starters, i just don't get the 10 commandments. They are impossible to keep." And i started with "Ok well that's where Jesus comes in......." And the lady packing behind me started listening in too, but tried not to look too obvious.

I was really surprised at how quickly that all happened. I'm still a bit taken back by it.
Thanks God, for the opportunity. That was awesome and i can see a few doors opening there! WooHooooooo!!!

Today i worked really hard. I moved the product faster than I've ever moved. I missed my second dose of pain killers for the day and i worked for 8 hours on my feet.
Now i am home. My feet hurt, my back hurts, my knees hurt, my fingers are numb and I'm tired...so tired.
But praise God i have a job, a good job with good, honest pay and I'm going back tomorrow to do it all again! Bring it on! *
*
Seriously...it's totally awesome! :o)

I love spring! I love the way the garden comes alive, and i wait for three whole seasons of the year for this one. Where the fruit of my garden labour is rewarded. And each new flower reminds me of Gods love. It's like he hand painted each one. I thank God when a plant blooms, as if it were a gift just for me. Because i feel blessed just to see it :o) I don't let the kids pick my flowers because they belong in the garden, a giving vase.
All spring the garden is in flower, and all season it is just like God has laid out a visual banquet and said, "Here you are Sharron, because i love you."

Yes i realise that sounds very sappy but it's just the way it it ok?!? lol

At my new job i have had a bit of juvenile trouble from another woman who calls herself a Christian. I spoke to a couple of women in the church about it and one suggested that it might be a case of Satan using her to rob me of my joy of working. Satan doesn't want me in a position to grow as a person so he'll jab into my side where he can.
The other woman said that when our circumstances change, so do the attacks.

Yesterdays church message was about believing we are how God sees us. We read/hear the words, but do we believe them in our every day life?
Friday at work was hard for me. I came home absolutely spent! So this morning, on the way to work, i prayed that i would see myself how he does and i would have a great day at work and have joy in it.

...then it was bloody horrible!!! It was a great day till after lunch. Then i got moved to the beginning of the production line, packing meat that was sticking together, into boxes that were moving too fast. I kept fighting to keep the boxes still while the box guy was pushing them harder along, despite my please for him to slow down. I asked my supervisor to move me to a less speedy spot, but he dismissed my request and told me to deal with it.
Cutting a long story short i ended up letting my boxes get away from me and i got overwhelmed and started crying out of frustration.
I told the supervisor i was going to the loo and i walked away.
I sat in the bathroom till i composed myself and i called John so he could make me feel better, which he did :o) I felt really stupid and defeated. Everyone else was able to do the job so why couldn't i keep up?
I walked back into the factory [where everyone now knew i'd been crying and i'd run off]
and i apologised to my supervisor. He gave me the job of breaking up boxes and helping the packers. Some of the women were not happy at my "Princess fit" and made no effort to hide it.
I couldn't wait for the day to be over when i could just run home to the safety of my family and cry into my pillow.

But after i left work and had time to think about the situation, I realised that even though what i felt there today was horrible and the events that led to it were yucky, it was actually a good thing. God heard my prayer and was working on it before i had even finished asking. Satan heard my prayer as well, and done his best to make me fail. He wanted me to feel the frustration and be overwhelmed. He wanted me to feel like a failure and use the little window i had to quit and walk away. Away from the job and back to being a bored housewife with feelings of personal financial inadequacy.

So if he's going to go to all that effort to sabotage my new life, What God has planned for me must be REALLY awesome!!! WoooHooooooo!!!

Tonight i'm sure i met an angel! I was at an AA meeting [Dont ask]. There was a new guy there and he seemed to fill the room with positiveness. When he spoke his eyes looked straight through you, but they were kind eyes.
He spoke about how doing things that were positive and for other people are the way to beat the disease. He talked in sevens-7 days, 7 hours etc.
He is a traveler who works in construction. He said he had been sober for 28 years and this was his second AA meeting.
He was gentle yet his voice demanded attention, and you couldn't help but smile as he spoke.
He was awesome. And either he was an angel, or he was the most charismatic man i've ever met!
I drove home just thinking about his presence and it was an odd comfort.

Today i realised something. When i was a young teenager, I was primarily into gay music. I loved Frankie Goes To Hollywood and their music blatantly promotes gayness. Although i didn't realise that at the time. It was all innocent to me.
About two years ago i bought the Frankie "best of" CD, and even though I'm now aware of the lyrical gayness, i still hear it as i did when i was 13-15, all about innocent stuff.
I also liked Bronski Beat a lot. I wore the cassette tape out and it was only recently that i decided to buy it again, on CD.
It arrived this morning [eBay transaction] and of course i put it straight in the CD player. Well i don't remember them being so blatantly gay in their music either! But i still heard what i did when i first listened to them.
However, that's not the reason for this post. The reason is:
I realised that it was Bronski Beats song, "It ain't necessarily so" that raised the very first spark of curiosity about the bible in my life.
Funnily enough, the song questions the bibles content, so, Eh?
It's an awesome thing when God can use my love of an openly gay band, and a song that defies his very word, to plant a seed that would eventually lead me to him.
It would be another 13 years before i gave Jesus my heart.
It was awesome to hear that song and realise that, that's what started it. And even though the song isn't a good one to listen to in a Christian walk, I'll always appreciate it :o)

From that horrible spiritual place i was at only a month ago, My life has had a complete turn around.
I leaned on God and refused to let go through my darkest hour, and he has and is working wonders in my life!
Little things here and there. The best way to discribe it is, it feels like new little baby branches reaching for the sun in between the old familiar branches. They'll eventualy get larger and stronger than the old branches, and the old branches will gradualy be in the distant shade.

Thank you God, for never leaving me. For always being what you promised.

I really love this picture! lol

At church this morning i went up the front for prayer after the service. The service was about us being as close to God as we chose. And i know i shut Jesus out a bit. It's always unintentional until i look back on the situation.
As our paster prayed for me, God showed him that i close him [Jesus] out. In fact, sometimes i shut and lock the door. And stand behind the door so Jesus can't get in at all!
Our paster prayed for me to be more open to getting closer to God.
Then afterwards, The pasters wife told me that there had been a prophecy about me. Apparently this will be a big year of growth for me. And i will go from being a follower to being a leader in the church.
At the moment, that kinda freaks me out. But I trust Gods word, and look forward to seeing this unfold :o)

I have stumbled in my mission.
I have to say this, before i forget how i feel.
I'm sorry God. I'm sorry i'm like this. I'm sorry for throwing this in your face.
I was making so much progress with the gift you gave me, untill i fell flat on my face. But i will get back there, with your help, and only with your help.
Please forgive me for the ugliness i've made it. And please help me do better tomorow. Right here and now, God. I give tomorow to you. And the next day, and the next.
I'm sorry, Really i am.

Since my last post, things have been opened up a bit.
I was beginning to feel as if my very soul was just a 5'7 pit of oozing black oil like sludge, rotating around my body. I felt ugly on the inside. I was being consumed by my sin. It was eating me alive. I couldn't talk about it - i felt no-one could possibly understand, or even want to. I had put myself in the "too hard" basket. So why would anyone else want to hear about it, and mess up their normal day?
I quit the worship team at church, because i'm now a fraud. God doesn't want to talk to me/help me. So how can i sing about how awesome he is when i feel like he's a deserter, and i don't deserve his help anyway, because i keep happily sinning the same sins every day? The same sins i despratly need his help in overcoming? [Even though i still tearfully sang worship songs during my days]
I wasn't going to go to church on Sunday either. I didn't think i could go to church and praise him with open arms when i didn't mean it.
But i got up on Sunday morning early enough, so i went. I stood there, up the front of the congregation, and sang the songs, through my tears, with slumped shoulders.
I looked at everyone else. So happy to be there, so happy to praise his awesome name. And i was so thankful that they couldn't see the blackness of my heart. I felt so seporate from them. I just wanted to run away.
*
We had a guest speaker from Compassion. She spoke and then our Paster spoke. But afterwards the guest speaker got up again, because she had a "word from God for someone in the congregation". Well, just like last week, this word was for me. How uncanny is that? Two weeks in a row, the guest speaker speaks to me, With a messege from God? I can't find the book that i wrote it in, but it was something along the lines of, "Romans something: I loved you before you were a sinner, just as i love you now."
I spoke to the guest speaker afterwards, and told her how there have now been two words from two different speakers for me. She prayed for me. I felt God tell me to keep pressing into him - as much or as little as i can. And he told me that i absolutely must get off the medication that i was on. Those drugs were messing with my head. So i did, and i feel a little closer to God.

But he's still not offering help in the areas that i desprately need help with, so the wounds are still there. I know he loves me, and i know he says to lean on him. But where is he with that?
WHERE IS HE?
I am a drunk
I am a binge eater
I surround myself with clutter.

They are all intertwined with each other somehow.
All these things make me feel better about smething. But i dont Know what. It's a deep rooted problem that i can't sort out myself.One or the other, or even all 3, effect me every day. I need him and only him. How much do i need to confess that i need him with my heart before he answers?

I will lean into him, as much or as little as i can. It's all i can do.

Today i listened to the song by Casting Crowns called "Praise you in this storm". And it was a good reminder that we need to praise him even when we are at our lowest.

I will "Praise him in this storm."

I spoke to the worship leader after church, and he talked me into staying with it.

I went to the prayer healing 2 days ago. And as of yet, nothing has happened. I went with an open heart as i was instructed to. I was told to expect big things from God, and i did. Even if it was just a whisper of guidance from him - I expected it.
Last week at church, there was a guest speaker. Near the end of his sermon, he closed his eyes [because he didn't want anyone to think he was talking to them, if he looked at them] and said that "there is someone in the room that"......me. He was talking directly to me. Well the spirit was, through him. And i told the speaker that afterwards.
I thought then for sure that God was going to have stuff to say to me at the prayer healing.
I have never felt further away from God as i do right now. I have surrendered everything to him as best as i know how.
At the prayer healing, spiritual ties were broken. Such as rejection, familiarity, and religion.
I kept telling the two women that i know i need to work on things. And they kept assuring me that i have done what i can, to the best of my ability at the moment. Only God can do the rest. And i can only do it with him.
But where is he?
They told me that the "Angel on the bed" telling me what was said in the post before the last one, could very well have been a demonic thing. Because God never puts people in their place without showing them how to deal with the problem.
Great, so now i can't even trust those moments!
My life feels like a black hole right now, and i don't know how to get out. I feel like i could claw at my chest just to get rid of my black heart. I'm persistently reaching for God, but i can't find him. I'm listening for his voice and all i can hear is white noise.
I desperately wish i knew what the problem is! And i wish even more desperately that i could feel God's loving arms around me! Oh how i wish that!

I am going to see a prayer warrior next Thursday. I really think that will be a turning point in my walk. I have been broken in a few areas of late, but just as i start to re-grow and take ground, now i'm being spiritualy attacked left right and centre. I can't do it on my own. I've tried leaning on God with these things, but the opposition is getting blinding. I can't see past them. So it's off to get help that i go.

I'm looking forward to it too :o)

Check this site out. I'm going to use some of these :o)

http://trinity-humor.blogspot.com/

We have a black cat called Lotus, who is 12 years old. He is regarded as "King of the pets" in our house. To us humans anyway.
We've had a lot of other animals in the 12 years [who didn't make it]. And he's had to fight each one of them for his place on the family social ladder. Now he's just given up.
At the moment we have a 5yo pug called Princess, A 2yo tabby called Peppy [girl]. and a 1yo orange cat called Mr. Marbles.
Peppy seems to think she is the house defender. She's the one out there fighting off the strays. But unfortunately this has left her with a bit of a nervous disorder, where she is on edge and ready to fight all the time. She even sprays "her territory". Isn't that bizarre for a girl??
Mr. Marbles is a very naughty teenager cat, who's just always looking for trouble in the form of something to pounce on, or something to grab and play with.
Princess wants to be the first in line for everything. Pats, food and treats. No-one gets anything before her!
Lotus used to be a fighter, but he just doesn't have it in him anymore.
The last house we lived in, there was a kid who used to torment him and do mean things to him. That kinda caused him to go into his shell.
Then we moved here 5 years ago and Lotus sorta moved in under the house. He only came out when no-one else was around, to have a bit of dinner.
Then one of our cats got run over. Apparently he must of been Lotus's , because Lotus started coming out a bit more after he was gone.
But then Peppy started beating him up and chasing him, and Mr. Marbles started copying her. Princess would think there was some action going on that she was missing out on, so she'd start chasing too [didn't matter what, just in the general direction everyone else was going lol] I would yell at them and throw things at them when i caught them about to pounce on him. But then they just started using intimidation tactics [did you know animals did that???] like butt sniffing while he was eating to make him feel uncomfortable. They'd chase him out of our room where he liked to sleep etc. Lotus is old and just can't keep up. So they see him as an easy target.
Needless to say, he disappeared under the house again for a while.
Then it dawned on me one night to pray for him. To pray that he would stick up for himself a bit more. Or for the other animals to lay off him.
Then two nights after i prayed, Lotus reappeared. And things seem to be different. I haven't seen him run past me with Peppy hot on his tail. And i haven't seen the other cats bother him while he eats. And one day, while Lotus was sleeping in our room, i saw Peppy run out. Excellent :o)
That was 2 weeks ago.
Sometimes it's hard to remember that God cares about our pets too. But i'm glad he does :o)

*

Ha Ha, you thought i would've posted about something else! Yea you :oÞ

Hebrews 13:2

"Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by so doing some have unwittingly entertained angels."

*

This afternoon we were at the supermarket, where i let Jason take his $1 to get a little chocolate. I waited at the end of the till for him, as it was his first time doing the supermarket thing by himself.

But he was 20c short, and other than 5c, all i had in my wallet was our tithes. I've never used our tithes for anything else, but there was a line, and i felt rushed. As soon as i pulled it out and said, "I'll have to use this." The spotty teenager behind Jason said, "Here, i've got 20c. I'll get that."

I thanked him and told him he was an angel[flippant comment, perhaps a gentleman was more appropriate]. Jason thanked him too, and we left the store.

That was awesome, especially for a teenager!! I'm very impressed!

I have always prided myself on making John feel special and appreciated. Too many people get married and forget the importance of lifting each other up every day. I vowed I'd never forget to make sure John knew what a wonderful man he is!
Anyway, about 2 months ago i started noticing changes in John. I knew the changes all too well, he was developing depression. I told him he needed to see a doctor but he refused. So i left him to it. But i knew it wasn't just a hurdle he could "get over".
Then his behaviour started getting annoying and without me realising it, my compliments and affections slowed down and almost stopped.
Why would i do that? Why would i not purposefully emotionally nurture the man i loved? The man who is my soul mate? How can i go from the loving wife during the good times, and throw him out on his own, to the sharks during the bad times, when he needs me the most?
Sinful nature. We do not love unconditionally, even when are sure that we do. No matter how much of Gods grace we think we show, It has it's limits within us.
One night i was laying in bed, talking to God in the darkness, as i do. When he pointed out to me
that i was abandoning my precious husband in his time of need, when he needed me the absolute most!
I didn't realise until then, what I'd been doing [or not doing]
So i got up the next morning, made my husband breakfast, and told him how much i love him, and what a great husband he is!
Since then I've looked for opportunities to lift him up.
He's been to the doctor to talk about his depression, and he's been given B12 shots.
He's feeling a lot better, but i really think that it's more because I'm doing my job like I'm supposed to. I can see in hindsight, that my lack of compassion for him, made his problem worse. I can also see that my affections slowed down even before he started showing signs of depression for some unknown reason, maybe contributing to the depression in the first place.
I love my Johnny. He means the world to me. Life would be bitter sweet without him!
I guess getting slack for the first time in 9 years isn't too bad really. But i can now see that my behaviour not only hurt John, but it hurt me AND our marriage.
I won't allow it to happen again.
*
Thanks God, For being in charge of our marriage. And for us allowing you to be in charge :o)

I have a Friend at church & i really love her!

However, since we have become friends, i have gone out of my way to show her how much i care about her. I've cooked her meals and taken them to her on a tray when she's been sick. I've door knocked at businesses when she's held charity auctions. I've done other random stuff. And it feels like she tries just as hard to push me away. I know she feels a bit undeserving of things, and that just makes me love her more.

Although admittedly, i had backed off over the past 6 or so months, as i felt that every time she talked to me, it was to say something hurtful. Whether intentional or not. Sometimes she's bought me to tears with a flippant comment.

Last weekend i invited her back to our place for lunch.

As we were eating, she said something to John about not having any Friends.

Well, i went a bit mad and mentioned all of the above. I said that I'd gone all out over time to be her friend and make her feel loved.

And she said, "Well I'm just not a very nice person." They were simple words, but i felt the hurt & belief behind them.

I may be a gluten for punishment, but that made me love her even more. And it has renewed my vigor in forcing my friendship & appreciation on her, weather she likes it or not! :o)