A weight was lifted off my shoulders this afternoon. I spoke to a freind who joined our church not long ago [Yes it's you lol] about something that eats at me every so often. No-one visits me from our church just to be sociable. Yet this freind appears to have a stream of visitors from church & It's not just her. I usualy drive past other church members places on the way to the shop etc, and they usualy always have fellow church members visiting. I don't think about it a lot, but when i do, i get kinda bummed.
It happened at our last church too. I don't begrudge anyone freindship. Some people just attract people, so that never bothered me. I guess i always just wondered, "What's wrong with me?"
It stems from waaaay back though. I've never made freinds easily and i was always a loner. Mostly not by choice though. I was a weird kid in a lot of ways. Just one of those oddballs that no-one quite knew how to take. I attracted people, but the seriously deranged ones! [and not in a good way!] So even though i was really lonely, i adapted to enjoy my own company. And i went through life with seriously under developed social skills!
When i started going to church, about 12 years ago, i seemed to be accepted. For the first time in my life people actualy accepted me, and for who i was. I developed relationships that weren't just a "Hello" at church on Sunday mornings. So i figured that's what church is like.
My first marriage failed and i moved on. I went to a variety of churches in order to find the right one. But i never stayed long enough to develop relationships.
We settled at a church where we stayed for 4 years, and everyone there seemed to be in their own little worlds, The relationships formed were for church activity only.
Then we moved to the church we are at now. I instantly felt like i belonged to this church. And at the beginning people were eager to get to know us. But it faded fast, and i was left feeling like that weird oddball kid again. Lucky i'm going to church for God, and not for the people.
I enjoy my own company more than anything, and i don't like people turning up on my doorstep un-announced. But i'd kinda like people to at least show an intorest every now and then.
So today i was at my freinds place, and i told her that maybe i'm just not really a likeable person and why. She said that no one visits her either unless it's for a reason. And they didn't at her last church either. She said she thought that it was just because people are really busy.
I never really thought of it like that. I was too busy feeling like a reject whenever i thought of it. Feeling like it was just me.
Is that a form of pride?
Selfishness?
Or just human reaction?
I dunno, but it feels a lot better to think that people are just too darn busy!

UPDATE: [The Next Day]
I got up this morning and read over this post, because something wasn't quite right. Then it hit me like a brick. Suddenly it was all too clear - The above wasn't the issue at all [About the visiters]. It was just Satan taking advantage of an old unrested vulnerability & i just didn't see it.
I'll hand it to him, he's good! But the spirit is better, and it's God who gives me the eyes i need to see the losers' tricks!


I can't believe i let him blindside me like that!