At the end of 2011 i had a series of light bulb moments that told me i had run out of excuses with my ongoing weight problem. And somehow, all those excuses got turned into positives - like i started seeing them differently.

So i planned to completely overhaul my life on Jan 1 2012. Everything started falling into place. And there were other signs of providence. Our summer has been unusually cool [i have a medical problem caused by sweat] So i've been easily able to exercise all summer. Our Wii needs replacing as it wont read discs 80% of the time. But each time i've put an exercise disc in [nearly every day], it works. He has provided for me, and i am grateful!

I also decided to start a weight loss support group and it's going well for a new group.

It's just all happening and it's awesome! :o)

I read back through a few posts, looking for something. And i read the post about Alix coming home to have her baby. I honestly thought God had answered my prayers and full filled his promise to reunite us under better conditions.

Well things actually became worse. Alix had her baby - A beautiful baby boy called Daniel [DJ]. But instead of buckling down & learning to be a good parent, she just wanted to go back to her old life and leave me to look after Daniel. I tried to guide her, encourage her and teach her without bossing her around. But it was just too hard for her. When Daniel was 5 weeks old, and it was the middle of winter, she moved out to sleep on a friends couch. A friend who lives in a tiny house with indoor smokers, and the plan was to leave DJ sleeping in the pram next to her all the time. She tried to take DJ but i wouldn't let her, so she called the Police and tried to have me charged with kidnapping.

The Police came and made us let DJ go with her, because it was her legal right. But they also lodged a DOCS report against Alix. A week later Daniel was taken from Alix by child services. They asked us if we'd be willing to raise him until Alix sought the help she needed [that they would provide]. We agreed and it's now 18mo later. Alix didn't do what was asked of her and actually signed him over to us during a DOCS meeting.

In that 18mo Alix has moved back and forth to different states and her contact with DJ has dwindled to nothing.

Alix and i have been on and off talking terms too many times to count. I even had to completely disown her at one stage because she'd only talk to me if she was drunk and/or stoned [a lot] and she'd call me to say really nasty things about what a shitty mother i am.

But through all that, i still trust in Gods promise, and i still believe he is answering my prayers. It's just a progressive work. I believe Alix will come back into the family, a changed woman for the better. A lovely, devoted Christian woman [And my bestie] had a dream that Alix will come back when she's 30. She wasn't sure if she had that mixed up with something else, But it's all good. I can wait :o)

And as for Daniel? He's a very adventurous, active and loved little boy who wants and needs for nothing! When the time comes when he asks why his mum isn't raising him, he doesn't need the details. I'll just tell him that she wasn't stable enough to be able to and that she loves him as much as she knows how.

I have a real problem with Bear Grylls. I have a problem with people who eat things while they are still alive when it's easy enough to kill them first. I hate how he takes what he wants and leaves the rest. I saw an episode where he grabbed a large catfish out of the water, gouged a large handful out of its side to eat, then left the rest of the fish...and it was still alive. Stunned, but alive. I have even gone as far as to think [and say] there is something satanic about what he does. I realise his show is about survival [his survival anyway] but how does eating things while they are alive help him 'survive'?
And everyone just loves him. WHY??? I'm always telling people they need thier head read for being entertained by what he does.
So imagine my absolute HORROR when i walked into church one day, and THIS was on the far wall?!?

It makes me sick

This week i have had an awful cough/cold. I'm fine while i'm sitting up, but as soon as i lie down, i have massive coughing fits that can last up to two hours T_T
The night before last, i prayed when i went to bed, that God would stop the cough so i could get a good nights rest. And you know what? I didn't cough once all night. But i had a crappy nights sleep because i kept waking up, expecting to cough.
So God answered my prayer, and then i expected him to default on it. How dumb is that!?!

And now it's been another year. Gee i'm slack! [I don't think anyone reads this blog anyway]
What a year. So many ups and downs and blessings!
Alix had a baby boy, Daniel [or DJ] and then thought she could just get her old life back. 5 weeks later he was removed from her care and placed with us until she proved she could parent him properly. We resigned ourselves to the fact that we will probably raise him ourselves. He's now a year old and still with us. Alix is living in another town and does her own thing. She doesn't visit DJ. I take him to her whenever i go to that town [half an hour away]
DJ is a willful, loud & adventurous little boy and i'm surprised we all survived the first year lol
But he's definitely one of us. I couldn't imagine life without him. So the last year has been quite busy for all of us, adjusting to life with a baby.
I turned 40, still trying to get healthy [baby steps]
My relationship with God has really grown, and that's the best bit :o)
I started doing a scripture journal challenge over at Faith Sisters at the beginning of the year. Here are a few of the pages i've done.

Wow, i can't believe it's been over a year since i've been here! Stuff has happened between God and i, and i've thought about writing about it here. But i just haven't been as committed to this blog as i have some of my others. Is that a reflection on my walk with God, where it's at and my priorities? Honestly...maybe :o/
When i write here, i feel closer to God. So i will step it up a bit.

This post will be about Alix, My oldest daughter....

 Alix left our home when she was 14, to go and live with her Dad in another state [her choice]. Alix had always been a demanding, whiny, draining and rebellious kid And we constantly butted heads. Hence our relationship has always been strained.
When she went away, i worried. God made me a promise though, that she would come back, things would be different, and for the better.
I struggled at times to have faith in that promise. To cut a long story short, Alix had a relationship with a man 3 times her age, quit school, started living on the city streets - sleeping in shop exits. Begged for drug,booze & food money. Mutilated her face by deeply cutting it up in a drunken stupor. Slept with anyone who'd have her, and got pregnant to who knows who.
She asked me if i'd take the baby. She wanted to move back home, have the baby and leave it here. Then move back to the city, alone. At first John and i said we would. But then we changed our minds because of various reasons.

Alix moved home and she was different. Confused, scared and a little disorientated, but overall she had changed for the better. A bit quieter, not so easy to anger and a bit easier to reason with. Another big change was in me. I had had enough time away from her where i had developed patience with her. It was like God had helped me to see the heart in her that he sees, and for the first time in her life, i can appreciate her to some degree, and actually enjoy being with her half the time. Things are still tender, but defiantly on a healing road. Like a seemingly dead plant with a fresh, new green sprout coming up from the roots!

I think the baby has a big part to do with it too. Because he's something that i can relate to her with. And he is something she needs me with. So he is like a bonding gel that God has used to bring us back together.

I can not put into words how grateful to God i am for this awesome situation! Like a mother hen with her chickens all gathered together, i feel complete as a mother.
So many nights i lay in bed and wondered if God really was going to move on the situation. But he would whisper to me, repeating his promise. I would confide in him that even though i wasn't sure, i would lay all the faith i had out to him and trust him with it.
I see now that Alix had to go through all that crap. She has an extreme personality and had to experience extreme things.
When she came home, she said how she loved being here where she knew she was loved and wanted. Something she had forgotten, living on the streets where people only 'loved' you when you had something they wanted.
Since she's been home, she's been going to church and bible study etc, and soaking it all up.

Over the last two weeks, she's had to go to the next town for blood tests etc due to complications with the pregnancy and she's been feeling quite vulnerable, open and raw. We've spent a lot of close traveling time together and had some awesomely open conversations that i thought we'd never have! I've gotten to know different aspects of Alix and I've seen more of myself in her at that age than i thought was possible. At the same time, she's realised that she can trust me enough to talk about personal things that she didn't think she could before.
It's all just so awesome, and i can't express my gratitude enough!

Two weeks ago we went on a holiday to the Gold Coast. While there we went to a TimeZone [a game arcade place] and there was one of those pain-in-the-butt claw machines full of Nintendo characters. Well, Luigi from Mario Bros is Jasons fav all time game character. Followed closely by Mario. Jason wanted one of those toys SOOOOOOO bad that he prayed earnestly to God that he would get one from the machine that day.
Well he didn't win one, John didn't win one for him, and i couldn't win one. But Rose, using her own money, won him not only a Luigi, but a Mario as well.
That was a great lesson for Jason, and i hope he remembers it!
If we ask God for something, he will answer. He knows the desires of our hearts and wants us to be happy. And he usualy doesn't answer in the way we think he will, and if his answer is in our favour, more abundantly than we expect.

I'm sure God was smiling on this face :o)

My mum died about 10 years ago, and i've been angry with her ever since, to a certain degree. I know i shouldn't feel the way i have, but i sorta can't help it, or more to the point, didn't want to address it.
At the moment, the women's group in our church is doing a study on the "mother heart". And in part of the study, we were asked " What did our mother do for us, that we are thankful for?" Well that was a bit in-your-face for me. I've been thankful for her giving me life, raising me, feeding me, yadda yadda. But this was different. What one thing are we thankful for?

Well, it's no secret that i'm a bit odd. Anyone who knows me will tell you that. I've always been odd and i've never seen things quite like anyone else does.
My mum has always been aware of my oddness and embraced it. When i would come home from school crying, because i just didn't fit in anywhere, Mum told me that everyone else was missing out by not being my friend. I never quite 100% believed that [still don't], but it was awesome that 1 person accepted me for who i was, and she actually enjoyed my company. She made me feel like, as long as she appreciated me for who i was, everyone else could go jump!
Mum made it ok for me to be weird. She taught me that being myself, being true to myself, was important.
Now i'm 38 and still the odd one, but i'm comfortable with that. I accept that i'll never fit in anywhere. If i haven't by now, i'm never gonna! And it's ok :o)
It's been the story of my life, and once i realised that it was the one thing that i am extremely thankful to mum for, my heart toward her started to soften.
I am grateful to mum for giving birth to me, raising me, feeding me etc. But i'm REALLY grateful for her teaching me that it's ok to just be me. That is a lesson that i keep learning from as i get older.....

I found this "secret" over at Post Secret and it has really inspired me to do the same thing, to random people and in random situations. So thank you to the person who sent this secret in, thanking the person who wrote it [eer yea] :o)

<---About 2 years ago we borrowed the DVD "Sponge bob goes prehistoric". Jason has every Sponge bob DVD as he adores Sponge bob and we don't get to see him on tele.
But when we found that he didn't have the mentioned DVD and borrowed it, for some reason i decided to illegally copy it.

I'm not into copying stuff as a rule. In fact i openly oppose it. DVDs are cheap enough these days so there's no reason to "steal" them.
The only reason I'm happy to burn a movie is if it can't be found to buy.

So i don't know why i decided it was a good idea to burn the Sponge bob DVD. Maybe i felt that we'd bought every other one so we deserved a freebie? I don't know. But this DVD haunted me! As soon as we burnt it i regretted it. So in my head i promised God that i will buy the DVD when i see it in a store.
So a couple of months goes by and i see it in K-Mart, but I'm kinda short on cash so maybe next time...
Then a while later i see it in BigW, but I'm in a hurry so maybe next time...
Then i see it again in K-Mart. I look at it, feel guilty, but walk away anyway.
Each time i feel more and more like crap when i walk away. The little voice in my heart says, "You made a promise..."
A couple of weeks ago Jason, Rose and I were in BigW. I saw the DVD and this time i couldn't leave it there so we bought it.
We have a lot of DVDs, but i gotta say that this one is now my prized one!

Isn't that a weird little story? lol

I have a few Christian themed T-shirts that i wear for what i call "token evangelism". I didn't wear any to work for the first 6 weeks as it's a close environment and i wanted people to see me as the relatively easy going, every day person i am rather than be afraid to speak to me at all because i look like a bible basher.
I wore my shirt with the above print a week ago. People were a little taken back by it and most tried to pretend they hadn't even seen it, even though i knew they had just read it [either that or a lot of people checked out my boobs carefully that day lol] And i came home happy to know that i'd let people know i was a Christian without a word being said about it.
Then i went back to wearing my usual one liner T-Shirts.
Today i wore the Christian shirt again. Just before the first break i said a little prayer in my head, "Please God, people should feel easy enough around me now. Let my shirt stir curiosity and let people feel comfortable and willing to bring up the subject of you and let me have the right words to answer them."
Then we went to our break and afterwards i moved to a new item to pack [Coz i was bored with the previous item. We do it a lot] Less than 5 minutes into it, the woman [about 21yo] next to me [who i've only spoken to briefly once before, and about the town tart] said to me, "Have you heard of Hillsong?" I said i had and i'd been there once. And she said " I grew up in Hillsong. My parents pushed that way of life onto me so much that now i just don't want anything to do with it." I said " What do you have the most problem with?" And she said "Well for starters, i just don't get the 10 commandments. They are impossible to keep." And i started with "Ok well that's where Jesus comes in......." And the lady packing behind me started listening in too, but tried not to look too obvious.

I was really surprised at how quickly that all happened. I'm still a bit taken back by it.
Thanks God, for the opportunity. That was awesome and i can see a few doors opening there! WooHooooooo!!!

Today i worked really hard. I moved the product faster than I've ever moved. I missed my second dose of pain killers for the day and i worked for 8 hours on my feet.
Now i am home. My feet hurt, my back hurts, my knees hurt, my fingers are numb and I'm tired...so tired.
But praise God i have a job, a good job with good, honest pay and I'm going back tomorrow to do it all again! Bring it on! *
*
Seriously...it's totally awesome! :o)

I love spring! I love the way the garden comes alive, and i wait for three whole seasons of the year for this one. Where the fruit of my garden labour is rewarded. And each new flower reminds me of Gods love. It's like he hand painted each one. I thank God when a plant blooms, as if it were a gift just for me. Because i feel blessed just to see it :o) I don't let the kids pick my flowers because they belong in the garden, a giving vase.
All spring the garden is in flower, and all season it is just like God has laid out a visual banquet and said, "Here you are Sharron, because i love you."

Yes i realise that sounds very sappy but it's just the way it it ok?!? lol

At my new job i have had a bit of juvenile trouble from another woman who calls herself a Christian. I spoke to a couple of women in the church about it and one suggested that it might be a case of Satan using her to rob me of my joy of working. Satan doesn't want me in a position to grow as a person so he'll jab into my side where he can.
The other woman said that when our circumstances change, so do the attacks.

Yesterdays church message was about believing we are how God sees us. We read/hear the words, but do we believe them in our every day life?
Friday at work was hard for me. I came home absolutely spent! So this morning, on the way to work, i prayed that i would see myself how he does and i would have a great day at work and have joy in it.

...then it was bloody horrible!!! It was a great day till after lunch. Then i got moved to the beginning of the production line, packing meat that was sticking together, into boxes that were moving too fast. I kept fighting to keep the boxes still while the box guy was pushing them harder along, despite my please for him to slow down. I asked my supervisor to move me to a less speedy spot, but he dismissed my request and told me to deal with it.
Cutting a long story short i ended up letting my boxes get away from me and i got overwhelmed and started crying out of frustration.
I told the supervisor i was going to the loo and i walked away.
I sat in the bathroom till i composed myself and i called John so he could make me feel better, which he did :o) I felt really stupid and defeated. Everyone else was able to do the job so why couldn't i keep up?
I walked back into the factory [where everyone now knew i'd been crying and i'd run off]
and i apologised to my supervisor. He gave me the job of breaking up boxes and helping the packers. Some of the women were not happy at my "Princess fit" and made no effort to hide it.
I couldn't wait for the day to be over when i could just run home to the safety of my family and cry into my pillow.

But after i left work and had time to think about the situation, I realised that even though what i felt there today was horrible and the events that led to it were yucky, it was actually a good thing. God heard my prayer and was working on it before i had even finished asking. Satan heard my prayer as well, and done his best to make me fail. He wanted me to feel the frustration and be overwhelmed. He wanted me to feel like a failure and use the little window i had to quit and walk away. Away from the job and back to being a bored housewife with feelings of personal financial inadequacy.

So if he's going to go to all that effort to sabotage my new life, What God has planned for me must be REALLY awesome!!! WoooHooooooo!!!

Tonight i'm sure i met an angel! I was at an AA meeting [Dont ask]. There was a new guy there and he seemed to fill the room with positiveness. When he spoke his eyes looked straight through you, but they were kind eyes.
He spoke about how doing things that were positive and for other people are the way to beat the disease. He talked in sevens-7 days, 7 hours etc.
He is a traveler who works in construction. He said he had been sober for 28 years and this was his second AA meeting.
He was gentle yet his voice demanded attention, and you couldn't help but smile as he spoke.
He was awesome. And either he was an angel, or he was the most charismatic man i've ever met!
I drove home just thinking about his presence and it was an odd comfort.

Today i realised something. When i was a young teenager, I was primarily into gay music. I loved Frankie Goes To Hollywood and their music blatantly promotes gayness. Although i didn't realise that at the time. It was all innocent to me.
About two years ago i bought the Frankie "best of" CD, and even though I'm now aware of the lyrical gayness, i still hear it as i did when i was 13-15, all about innocent stuff.
I also liked Bronski Beat a lot. I wore the cassette tape out and it was only recently that i decided to buy it again, on CD.
It arrived this morning [eBay transaction] and of course i put it straight in the CD player. Well i don't remember them being so blatantly gay in their music either! But i still heard what i did when i first listened to them.
However, that's not the reason for this post. The reason is:
I realised that it was Bronski Beats song, "It ain't necessarily so" that raised the very first spark of curiosity about the bible in my life.
Funnily enough, the song questions the bibles content, so, Eh?
It's an awesome thing when God can use my love of an openly gay band, and a song that defies his very word, to plant a seed that would eventually lead me to him.
It would be another 13 years before i gave Jesus my heart.
It was awesome to hear that song and realise that, that's what started it. And even though the song isn't a good one to listen to in a Christian walk, I'll always appreciate it :o)

From that horrible spiritual place i was at only a month ago, My life has had a complete turn around.
I leaned on God and refused to let go through my darkest hour, and he has and is working wonders in my life!
Little things here and there. The best way to discribe it is, it feels like new little baby branches reaching for the sun in between the old familiar branches. They'll eventualy get larger and stronger than the old branches, and the old branches will gradualy be in the distant shade.

Thank you God, for never leaving me. For always being what you promised.

I really love this picture! lol

At church this morning i went up the front for prayer after the service. The service was about us being as close to God as we chose. And i know i shut Jesus out a bit. It's always unintentional until i look back on the situation.
As our paster prayed for me, God showed him that i close him [Jesus] out. In fact, sometimes i shut and lock the door. And stand behind the door so Jesus can't get in at all!
Our paster prayed for me to be more open to getting closer to God.
Then afterwards, The pasters wife told me that there had been a prophecy about me. Apparently this will be a big year of growth for me. And i will go from being a follower to being a leader in the church.
At the moment, that kinda freaks me out. But I trust Gods word, and look forward to seeing this unfold :o)

I have stumbled in my mission.
I have to say this, before i forget how i feel.
I'm sorry God. I'm sorry i'm like this. I'm sorry for throwing this in your face.
I was making so much progress with the gift you gave me, untill i fell flat on my face. But i will get back there, with your help, and only with your help.
Please forgive me for the ugliness i've made it. And please help me do better tomorow. Right here and now, God. I give tomorow to you. And the next day, and the next.
I'm sorry, Really i am.

Since my last post, things have been opened up a bit.
I was beginning to feel as if my very soul was just a 5'7 pit of oozing black oil like sludge, rotating around my body. I felt ugly on the inside. I was being consumed by my sin. It was eating me alive. I couldn't talk about it - i felt no-one could possibly understand, or even want to. I had put myself in the "too hard" basket. So why would anyone else want to hear about it, and mess up their normal day?
I quit the worship team at church, because i'm now a fraud. God doesn't want to talk to me/help me. So how can i sing about how awesome he is when i feel like he's a deserter, and i don't deserve his help anyway, because i keep happily sinning the same sins every day? The same sins i despratly need his help in overcoming? [Even though i still tearfully sang worship songs during my days]
I wasn't going to go to church on Sunday either. I didn't think i could go to church and praise him with open arms when i didn't mean it.
But i got up on Sunday morning early enough, so i went. I stood there, up the front of the congregation, and sang the songs, through my tears, with slumped shoulders.
I looked at everyone else. So happy to be there, so happy to praise his awesome name. And i was so thankful that they couldn't see the blackness of my heart. I felt so seporate from them. I just wanted to run away.
*
We had a guest speaker from Compassion. She spoke and then our Paster spoke. But afterwards the guest speaker got up again, because she had a "word from God for someone in the congregation". Well, just like last week, this word was for me. How uncanny is that? Two weeks in a row, the guest speaker speaks to me, With a messege from God? I can't find the book that i wrote it in, but it was something along the lines of, "Romans something: I loved you before you were a sinner, just as i love you now."
I spoke to the guest speaker afterwards, and told her how there have now been two words from two different speakers for me. She prayed for me. I felt God tell me to keep pressing into him - as much or as little as i can. And he told me that i absolutely must get off the medication that i was on. Those drugs were messing with my head. So i did, and i feel a little closer to God.

But he's still not offering help in the areas that i desprately need help with, so the wounds are still there. I know he loves me, and i know he says to lean on him. But where is he with that?
WHERE IS HE?
I am a drunk
I am a binge eater
I surround myself with clutter.

They are all intertwined with each other somehow.
All these things make me feel better about smething. But i dont Know what. It's a deep rooted problem that i can't sort out myself.One or the other, or even all 3, effect me every day. I need him and only him. How much do i need to confess that i need him with my heart before he answers?

I will lean into him, as much or as little as i can. It's all i can do.

Today i listened to the song by Casting Crowns called "Praise you in this storm". And it was a good reminder that we need to praise him even when we are at our lowest.

I will "Praise him in this storm."

I spoke to the worship leader after church, and he talked me into staying with it.