Wow, i can't believe it's been over a year since i've been here! Stuff has happened between God and i, and i've thought about writing about it here. But i just haven't been as committed to this blog as i have some of my others. Is that a reflection on my walk with God, where it's at and my priorities? Honestly...maybe :o/
When i write here, i feel closer to God. So i will step it up a bit.

This post will be about Alix, My oldest daughter....

 Alix left our home when she was 14, to go and live with her Dad in another state [her choice]. Alix had always been a demanding, whiny, draining and rebellious kid And we constantly butted heads. Hence our relationship has always been strained.
When she went away, i worried. God made me a promise though, that she would come back, things would be different, and for the better.
I struggled at times to have faith in that promise. To cut a long story short, Alix had a relationship with a man 3 times her age, quit school, started living on the city streets - sleeping in shop exits. Begged for drug,booze & food money. Mutilated her face by deeply cutting it up in a drunken stupor. Slept with anyone who'd have her, and got pregnant to who knows who.
She asked me if i'd take the baby. She wanted to move back home, have the baby and leave it here. Then move back to the city, alone. At first John and i said we would. But then we changed our minds because of various reasons.

Alix moved home and she was different. Confused, scared and a little disorientated, but overall she had changed for the better. A bit quieter, not so easy to anger and a bit easier to reason with. Another big change was in me. I had had enough time away from her where i had developed patience with her. It was like God had helped me to see the heart in her that he sees, and for the first time in her life, i can appreciate her to some degree, and actually enjoy being with her half the time. Things are still tender, but defiantly on a healing road. Like a seemingly dead plant with a fresh, new green sprout coming up from the roots!

I think the baby has a big part to do with it too. Because he's something that i can relate to her with. And he is something she needs me with. So he is like a bonding gel that God has used to bring us back together.

I can not put into words how grateful to God i am for this awesome situation! Like a mother hen with her chickens all gathered together, i feel complete as a mother.
So many nights i lay in bed and wondered if God really was going to move on the situation. But he would whisper to me, repeating his promise. I would confide in him that even though i wasn't sure, i would lay all the faith i had out to him and trust him with it.
I see now that Alix had to go through all that crap. She has an extreme personality and had to experience extreme things.
When she came home, she said how she loved being here where she knew she was loved and wanted. Something she had forgotten, living on the streets where people only 'loved' you when you had something they wanted.
Since she's been home, she's been going to church and bible study etc, and soaking it all up.

Over the last two weeks, she's had to go to the next town for blood tests etc due to complications with the pregnancy and she's been feeling quite vulnerable, open and raw. We've spent a lot of close traveling time together and had some awesomely open conversations that i thought we'd never have! I've gotten to know different aspects of Alix and I've seen more of myself in her at that age than i thought was possible. At the same time, she's realised that she can trust me enough to talk about personal things that she didn't think she could before.
It's all just so awesome, and i can't express my gratitude enough!

My mum died about 10 years ago, and i've been angry with her ever since, to a certain degree. I know i shouldn't feel the way i have, but i sorta can't help it, or more to the point, didn't want to address it.
At the moment, the women's group in our church is doing a study on the "mother heart". And in part of the study, we were asked " What did our mother do for us, that we are thankful for?" Well that was a bit in-your-face for me. I've been thankful for her giving me life, raising me, feeding me, yadda yadda. But this was different. What one thing are we thankful for?

Well, it's no secret that i'm a bit odd. Anyone who knows me will tell you that. I've always been odd and i've never seen things quite like anyone else does.
My mum has always been aware of my oddness and embraced it. When i would come home from school crying, because i just didn't fit in anywhere, Mum told me that everyone else was missing out by not being my friend. I never quite 100% believed that [still don't], but it was awesome that 1 person accepted me for who i was, and she actually enjoyed my company. She made me feel like, as long as she appreciated me for who i was, everyone else could go jump!
Mum made it ok for me to be weird. She taught me that being myself, being true to myself, was important.
Now i'm 38 and still the odd one, but i'm comfortable with that. I accept that i'll never fit in anywhere. If i haven't by now, i'm never gonna! And it's ok :o)
It's been the story of my life, and once i realised that it was the one thing that i am extremely thankful to mum for, my heart toward her started to soften.
I am grateful to mum for giving birth to me, raising me, feeding me etc. But i'm REALLY grateful for her teaching me that it's ok to just be me. That is a lesson that i keep learning from as i get older.....

I found this "secret" over at Post Secret and it has really inspired me to do the same thing, to random people and in random situations. So thank you to the person who sent this secret in, thanking the person who wrote it [eer yea] :o)

I have a few Christian themed T-shirts that i wear for what i call "token evangelism". I didn't wear any to work for the first 6 weeks as it's a close environment and i wanted people to see me as the relatively easy going, every day person i am rather than be afraid to speak to me at all because i look like a bible basher.
I wore my shirt with the above print a week ago. People were a little taken back by it and most tried to pretend they hadn't even seen it, even though i knew they had just read it [either that or a lot of people checked out my boobs carefully that day lol] And i came home happy to know that i'd let people know i was a Christian without a word being said about it.
Then i went back to wearing my usual one liner T-Shirts.
Today i wore the Christian shirt again. Just before the first break i said a little prayer in my head, "Please God, people should feel easy enough around me now. Let my shirt stir curiosity and let people feel comfortable and willing to bring up the subject of you and let me have the right words to answer them."
Then we went to our break and afterwards i moved to a new item to pack [Coz i was bored with the previous item. We do it a lot] Less than 5 minutes into it, the woman [about 21yo] next to me [who i've only spoken to briefly once before, and about the town tart] said to me, "Have you heard of Hillsong?" I said i had and i'd been there once. And she said " I grew up in Hillsong. My parents pushed that way of life onto me so much that now i just don't want anything to do with it." I said " What do you have the most problem with?" And she said "Well for starters, i just don't get the 10 commandments. They are impossible to keep." And i started with "Ok well that's where Jesus comes in......." And the lady packing behind me started listening in too, but tried not to look too obvious.

I was really surprised at how quickly that all happened. I'm still a bit taken back by it.
Thanks God, for the opportunity. That was awesome and i can see a few doors opening there! WooHooooooo!!!

At my new job i have had a bit of juvenile trouble from another woman who calls herself a Christian. I spoke to a couple of women in the church about it and one suggested that it might be a case of Satan using her to rob me of my joy of working. Satan doesn't want me in a position to grow as a person so he'll jab into my side where he can.
The other woman said that when our circumstances change, so do the attacks.

Yesterdays church message was about believing we are how God sees us. We read/hear the words, but do we believe them in our every day life?
Friday at work was hard for me. I came home absolutely spent! So this morning, on the way to work, i prayed that i would see myself how he does and i would have a great day at work and have joy in it.

...then it was bloody horrible!!! It was a great day till after lunch. Then i got moved to the beginning of the production line, packing meat that was sticking together, into boxes that were moving too fast. I kept fighting to keep the boxes still while the box guy was pushing them harder along, despite my please for him to slow down. I asked my supervisor to move me to a less speedy spot, but he dismissed my request and told me to deal with it.
Cutting a long story short i ended up letting my boxes get away from me and i got overwhelmed and started crying out of frustration.
I told the supervisor i was going to the loo and i walked away.
I sat in the bathroom till i composed myself and i called John so he could make me feel better, which he did :o) I felt really stupid and defeated. Everyone else was able to do the job so why couldn't i keep up?
I walked back into the factory [where everyone now knew i'd been crying and i'd run off]
and i apologised to my supervisor. He gave me the job of breaking up boxes and helping the packers. Some of the women were not happy at my "Princess fit" and made no effort to hide it.
I couldn't wait for the day to be over when i could just run home to the safety of my family and cry into my pillow.

But after i left work and had time to think about the situation, I realised that even though what i felt there today was horrible and the events that led to it were yucky, it was actually a good thing. God heard my prayer and was working on it before i had even finished asking. Satan heard my prayer as well, and done his best to make me fail. He wanted me to feel the frustration and be overwhelmed. He wanted me to feel like a failure and use the little window i had to quit and walk away. Away from the job and back to being a bored housewife with feelings of personal financial inadequacy.

So if he's going to go to all that effort to sabotage my new life, What God has planned for me must be REALLY awesome!!! WoooHooooooo!!!

From that horrible spiritual place i was at only a month ago, My life has had a complete turn around.
I leaned on God and refused to let go through my darkest hour, and he has and is working wonders in my life!
Little things here and there. The best way to discribe it is, it feels like new little baby branches reaching for the sun in between the old familiar branches. They'll eventualy get larger and stronger than the old branches, and the old branches will gradualy be in the distant shade.

Thank you God, for never leaving me. For always being what you promised.

I really love this picture! lol

At church this morning i went up the front for prayer after the service. The service was about us being as close to God as we chose. And i know i shut Jesus out a bit. It's always unintentional until i look back on the situation.
As our paster prayed for me, God showed him that i close him [Jesus] out. In fact, sometimes i shut and lock the door. And stand behind the door so Jesus can't get in at all!
Our paster prayed for me to be more open to getting closer to God.
Then afterwards, The pasters wife told me that there had been a prophecy about me. Apparently this will be a big year of growth for me. And i will go from being a follower to being a leader in the church.
At the moment, that kinda freaks me out. But I trust Gods word, and look forward to seeing this unfold :o)

I have stumbled in my mission.
I have to say this, before i forget how i feel.
I'm sorry God. I'm sorry i'm like this. I'm sorry for throwing this in your face.
I was making so much progress with the gift you gave me, untill i fell flat on my face. But i will get back there, with your help, and only with your help.
Please forgive me for the ugliness i've made it. And please help me do better tomorow. Right here and now, God. I give tomorow to you. And the next day, and the next.
I'm sorry, Really i am.

I am going to see a prayer warrior next Thursday. I really think that will be a turning point in my walk. I have been broken in a few areas of late, but just as i start to re-grow and take ground, now i'm being spiritualy attacked left right and centre. I can't do it on my own. I've tried leaning on God with these things, but the opposition is getting blinding. I can't see past them. So it's off to get help that i go.

I'm looking forward to it too :o)

I have always prided myself on making John feel special and appreciated. Too many people get married and forget the importance of lifting each other up every day. I vowed I'd never forget to make sure John knew what a wonderful man he is!
Anyway, about 2 months ago i started noticing changes in John. I knew the changes all too well, he was developing depression. I told him he needed to see a doctor but he refused. So i left him to it. But i knew it wasn't just a hurdle he could "get over".
Then his behaviour started getting annoying and without me realising it, my compliments and affections slowed down and almost stopped.
Why would i do that? Why would i not purposefully emotionally nurture the man i loved? The man who is my soul mate? How can i go from the loving wife during the good times, and throw him out on his own, to the sharks during the bad times, when he needs me the most?
Sinful nature. We do not love unconditionally, even when are sure that we do. No matter how much of Gods grace we think we show, It has it's limits within us.
One night i was laying in bed, talking to God in the darkness, as i do. When he pointed out to me
that i was abandoning my precious husband in his time of need, when he needed me the absolute most!
I didn't realise until then, what I'd been doing [or not doing]
So i got up the next morning, made my husband breakfast, and told him how much i love him, and what a great husband he is!
Since then I've looked for opportunities to lift him up.
He's been to the doctor to talk about his depression, and he's been given B12 shots.
He's feeling a lot better, but i really think that it's more because I'm doing my job like I'm supposed to. I can see in hindsight, that my lack of compassion for him, made his problem worse. I can also see that my affections slowed down even before he started showing signs of depression for some unknown reason, maybe contributing to the depression in the first place.
I love my Johnny. He means the world to me. Life would be bitter sweet without him!
I guess getting slack for the first time in 9 years isn't too bad really. But i can now see that my behaviour not only hurt John, but it hurt me AND our marriage.
I won't allow it to happen again.
*
Thanks God, For being in charge of our marriage. And for us allowing you to be in charge :o)

I have a Friend at church & i really love her!

However, since we have become friends, i have gone out of my way to show her how much i care about her. I've cooked her meals and taken them to her on a tray when she's been sick. I've door knocked at businesses when she's held charity auctions. I've done other random stuff. And it feels like she tries just as hard to push me away. I know she feels a bit undeserving of things, and that just makes me love her more.

Although admittedly, i had backed off over the past 6 or so months, as i felt that every time she talked to me, it was to say something hurtful. Whether intentional or not. Sometimes she's bought me to tears with a flippant comment.

Last weekend i invited her back to our place for lunch.

As we were eating, she said something to John about not having any Friends.

Well, i went a bit mad and mentioned all of the above. I said that I'd gone all out over time to be her friend and make her feel loved.

And she said, "Well I'm just not a very nice person." They were simple words, but i felt the hurt & belief behind them.

I may be a gluten for punishment, but that made me love her even more. And it has renewed my vigor in forcing my friendship & appreciation on her, weather she likes it or not! :o)

I have reached a point in my walk where God has allowed me to be broken in various areas of my life, all at once. Some i can talk about, and some i can not.
With my over eating and alcohol habits, i have reached a point of absolute hoplessness. I have no control over these areas and i've been forced into fully surrendering them to him.
There's an issue with Rose going to QLD that i have had to give solely to God as well. As it's a very confusing situation.
I've had depression for years [as long as i can remember] allthough it's been labeled with ADD till now. and my doctor now thinks i may have a form of Bi-Polar, and has started me on a treatment for that. I was very unsure about starting with the drugs as they are quite strong drugs, that could have a terrible effect if i DONT have Bi-polar. I've had to give that over to God.
And one other part of my life that i can't talk about on a public forum. Something i've done all my adult life in a certain way, and i now realise it's wrong. But i don't know how else to do it. God showed me the era, so i've given it to him to fix.
Why all at once? I don't know.
I feel very vulnerable right now. Both emotional and spiritual

A few nights ago i went to the supermarket. he checkout chick i usualy go to wasn't her usual chipper self, so i asked what was wrong. She told me that a freind of hers had lost her 4yo son the night before [the flu killed him]. I tried to lighten it with some truth by saying that, "Not that it's any consolation, but he's in a great place right now, where he can probably have ice cream before dinner every night!"
She said, "I wish i could believe that, but there's just so many people suffering in the world."
At that moment i clammed up. I'm not one to be lost for words, and i'm always on the lookout for opportunities to evangelise. But i just clammed up!
We finished the transaction happily and i told her to keep her chin up. But as i walked away, i was kicking myself that i didn't say anything!
I prayed on the way home. Asking God that he helps me to be ready when the opportunities come up.
I spoke to a freind and told her about what happened, and that i was kicking myself.
And she said that maybe i clammed up because there was no words to say. Maybe God had nothing for me to say at that moment.
I appreciated that :o)
I've since learned that the woman who lost her little boy is local. And she's apparently a bit anti-God. I will make a few meals for her over the next few days. I don't know if i'll take them to her, or someone else closer to her will [A mutual freind] But we'll see how we go.

*

Thank you God, For opportunities. Opportunities to be quiet, and opportunities to be near someone just to love them in your name :o)

I have realised that i am very immature in my walk with Jesus. As you may know, i was saved 11 years ago. But after i learned the truth, i just kinda wondered around in the wilderness for 7 - 8 years. Then i really started to blossom in my relationship with God, once we joined the church we are with. For the first time in all that time, i really devoloped a relationship with our Lord!

But alas, i am still at the babe stage. My prayer life doesn't go beyond my family and freinds. I hear people praying for revival, the government, other governments etc, but i just can't feel for those things and i feel guilty. As much as i am not a selfish person at all, i just can't move past praying for my family. This was really driven home, when someone prayed today about the musicians that went before the armies in bible times. They asked that we have the same heart.

I thought to myself, "Gee, that's sooo beyond me!"

I better work on getting out of this milk fed baby stage. Or at least ask God to help me move past it!

Thanks God, For showing me when things need to change :o)

Before we even got to the Gold coast for our holiday, and to pick Alix up, Alix decided that she didn't want to come home, but that she wanted to stay at her fathers. Then she said she wasn't sure what she wanted to do.

When i first saw Alix, she had barely changed! She was still my baby girl. I would never have known she'd been defilled :o(

She has settled down a lot though, within herself. She's matured a bit and is not so excitable. She tested waters by saying various things, and i just knew what to say to everything. It was awesome!

She's going to stay in Brisbane untill the end of the school year, but for tonight she is staying with us. We are going to watch "Mean girls" and talk and stuff. I found a laptop, so i thought i'd add this post while i'm still excited about Gods promise to let everything fall into place at the right time.

Thanks God for knowing everything and for really being in charge :o)

I have realised what Alix's biggest problem is. She has an overactive need for justice, as she sees it. Her main ambition in life is to get what she believes is coming to her, at any cost. She honestly believes that she is the most important person on the planet. Her drive in life is pride, and she believes that everybody owes her whatever she sees fit. Not getting it is the cause of her constant anger

God has shown me the pride before now, but not the other stuff. I believe that in knowing this, i can work with it, with Gods help :o)

Thanks God, even for the little tidbits :o)

I have decided to have a go at writing a song [or 2] for our worship team. A few months ago, Colin [The worship leader] told us that there is a song within all of us, and he'd like to see them.
Graeme [Our paster] and Janine [Another of our worship leaders] wrote one each, and they were [are] great. Then the teens on the team have been writing them ever since. Pretty much just streaming them out!
Colin mostly puts the music to songs, and it is mostly piano stuff.
I'd like to do something kinda "Rocky".
I'm working on it :o)

I have a not-so-distant past that involves pot [Marijuana]. I've never been ashamed of it or seen it as a problem, untill lately.
*Insert corney flashback sequence*
I grew up with pot as just a part of everyday life. It was the recreational drug at our family parties, and mum used to grow it in the vege garden [to keep the white butterflies out lol] Allthough i waited till i was 13 before i shared my first joint with the brother of a freind. After that it was socialy common place for me.
When i was 17, i moved out of home and in with a 21yo drug [pot] dealer. It became my job to make up the packeges to sell, and to be the go-between mule.
I left him 2 years later, but i was still mixing with the same crowds. In fact everyone i dated was a pot smoker.
I became a Christian, Giving my life to Jesus, when i was 26. But still the pot didn't come into it.
Jesus worked on the inside issues according to what he thought were relevent at the time, As he still is.
I continued to smoke pot when the social occasion arose, and sometimes i bought some. I even enjoyed getting stoned to contemplete God.
It didn't even cross my mind about the fact that it was against the law to smoke it. I guess if something is ok in your mind, it's just ok all 'round. My kids never saw me smoke though. I knew enough to keep it from them. Funny huh? I've always preached against drugs to the kids, but in my mind, pot was seporate from those other drugs.
Then, only a few months ago, i was hanging around up the back yard, smoking a joint. And the holy spirit started convicting me about it for the first time. For the first time ever, i felt bad about being stoned. And that wasn't very comfortable! I felt the need to through it all out, the pot, the container i kept it in, the bong, the rolly papers, and the lighter.
But i didn't. I held onto it all for nearly a week. That whole week was very uncomfortable! God was saying, "Get rid of it, And don't do it anymore!" And i kept saying," But Gooood it's not thaaaat bad [Whine, sulk]" But God is persistant and when he wants something, he wants it NOW! So he wasn't getting off my back. After a week of constant nagging, i took all that stuff and put it in a plastic bag, and put it in the big bin.
The next morning i lay in bed and listened as the garbage truck came and as i listened to the bin being emptied into the truck, i realised it was the end of part of my life that i never thought i'd say good bye too. It wasn't untill it was gone, that i realised just how wrong it was. I'd carried on a healthy Christian life, and yet God waited 10 years to point out my era with it. That's a long time!
So now i am embarassed to say that i smoked pot till only a few months ago, Ackwardly embarassed. But it's gone now, and i will never smoke it again. My life has been 100% freed of a life long thing. Even if it did take a while to point out! lol

Thanks God, for doing things in your own timing, and for giving me an obedient heart :o)

In regards to the post a few days down, about how i can see God's handy work in preperation for Alix's return, I forgot to mention this;
God has also enabled me to see that i'm not only not a bad parent, but that i'm actualy a pretty good mum.
When we meet or hear of a troubled kid who acts out a lot, we automaticaly assume that child has come from a troubled home. A home where they are being neglected of attention and affection. I'm guilty of assuming that myself when i meet other rotten kids.
And people have always assumed that of Alix. In fact, we've NEVER been able to get Alix the counciling and medical attention she desprately needs. Because EVERYONE just assumes that all Alix needs, is a few hugs, encouragement, and positive reinforcement.
I have 2 other children who are very happy, well adjusted and stable.
I've always tried to treat my kids the same.
And yet i just believed what the general attitude was. I felt like a bad mother, a failure, because all my efforts to raise Alix right were fruitless.
In the time that Alix has been away, i've had the time to really see my two other children.
I didn't realise untill now, just how much time i was spending on Alix, and in turn, neglecting my other two. The past eight months have been spent really getting to know them and enjoying them. They are great kids with a great sense of humour. Awesome talents and great schooling habits. I knew all this before, but it was more of a relief because i didn't have to worry about them at the same time as worrying about Alix.
I look at these two wonderful kids and i realise something i've never allowed myself to entertain in my mind - I'm a good mum. I really am a good mum. I might not be a sports mum who enrolls her kids into every sport. And i might not be active with the P&C school commitee.
But i respect my children, i listen to them, & i welcome their ideas and viewpoints.
I encourage them to be the best people they can be, both at home, and in the communitee.
We are affectionate with each other. Rose isn't a kissy huggy person, but she likes har back rubbed and her hair played with. Jason loves kisses & cuddles, and sitting close on the couch.
Jason likes collecting little rocks and Rose can't throw out any piece of paper.
We play together and i'd drop whatever i'm doing to read them a story book.
I'm doing my best to raise happy little soldiers for God, who will see God as a loving father, rather than a big judge with a big stick.
I am a good mum, and i know that when Alix comes home, how i deal with her will now be motivated more by fairness and love, rather than guilt.

I couldn't see any of this before, but with Alix gone, God has let me see.

Thanks God :o)
*
(BTW "Parenthood" is one of my favourite all time movies :o)

I put my hand up a while ago, to decorate the back church wall. Any opportunity to get dirty and messy is good! lol
I was stumped at first for ideas. But i got a few ideas together, that in hindsight, kinda looked better on paper than on 3 seporate & complicated parts of a wall. But i'd already bought the materials so yesterday i started on the back wall.
Before i started, i gave the project to God. I asked him to piece the project together nicely. I offered my hands, that he might use for his glory. I gave him the limited materials and asked that it would be enough.
In one day i've seen his hand on it twice. Once where he measured something correctly to the milimetre [I can't measure correctly enough to save myself!] And once where the materials for one part stretched juuust enough [With none left over], even though i thought i'd had too much.
I am trusting God that this will work out just as he wants it. I will not take the glory if people love it, and i will not take the responsibility if people hate it. I'm wholeheartedly giving myself to God to use as an instrument.
I'll post photos here when it's finished :o)

Thank you God, For giving me a talent that i can lift back up to you :o)
*
I want my voice back though! Y'know, whenever you're ready lol :o)