Wow, i can't believe it's been over a year since i've been here! Stuff has happened between God and i, and i've thought about writing about it here. But i just haven't been as committed to this blog as i have some of my others. Is that a reflection on my walk with God, where it's at and my priorities? Honestly...maybe :o/
When i write here, i feel closer to God. So i will step it up a bit.

This post will be about Alix, My oldest daughter....

 Alix left our home when she was 14, to go and live with her Dad in another state [her choice]. Alix had always been a demanding, whiny, draining and rebellious kid And we constantly butted heads. Hence our relationship has always been strained.
When she went away, i worried. God made me a promise though, that she would come back, things would be different, and for the better.
I struggled at times to have faith in that promise. To cut a long story short, Alix had a relationship with a man 3 times her age, quit school, started living on the city streets - sleeping in shop exits. Begged for drug,booze & food money. Mutilated her face by deeply cutting it up in a drunken stupor. Slept with anyone who'd have her, and got pregnant to who knows who.
She asked me if i'd take the baby. She wanted to move back home, have the baby and leave it here. Then move back to the city, alone. At first John and i said we would. But then we changed our minds because of various reasons.

Alix moved home and she was different. Confused, scared and a little disorientated, but overall she had changed for the better. A bit quieter, not so easy to anger and a bit easier to reason with. Another big change was in me. I had had enough time away from her where i had developed patience with her. It was like God had helped me to see the heart in her that he sees, and for the first time in her life, i can appreciate her to some degree, and actually enjoy being with her half the time. Things are still tender, but defiantly on a healing road. Like a seemingly dead plant with a fresh, new green sprout coming up from the roots!

I think the baby has a big part to do with it too. Because he's something that i can relate to her with. And he is something she needs me with. So he is like a bonding gel that God has used to bring us back together.

I can not put into words how grateful to God i am for this awesome situation! Like a mother hen with her chickens all gathered together, i feel complete as a mother.
So many nights i lay in bed and wondered if God really was going to move on the situation. But he would whisper to me, repeating his promise. I would confide in him that even though i wasn't sure, i would lay all the faith i had out to him and trust him with it.
I see now that Alix had to go through all that crap. She has an extreme personality and had to experience extreme things.
When she came home, she said how she loved being here where she knew she was loved and wanted. Something she had forgotten, living on the streets where people only 'loved' you when you had something they wanted.
Since she's been home, she's been going to church and bible study etc, and soaking it all up.

Over the last two weeks, she's had to go to the next town for blood tests etc due to complications with the pregnancy and she's been feeling quite vulnerable, open and raw. We've spent a lot of close traveling time together and had some awesomely open conversations that i thought we'd never have! I've gotten to know different aspects of Alix and I've seen more of myself in her at that age than i thought was possible. At the same time, she's realised that she can trust me enough to talk about personal things that she didn't think she could before.
It's all just so awesome, and i can't express my gratitude enough!

Before we even got to the Gold coast for our holiday, and to pick Alix up, Alix decided that she didn't want to come home, but that she wanted to stay at her fathers. Then she said she wasn't sure what she wanted to do.

When i first saw Alix, she had barely changed! She was still my baby girl. I would never have known she'd been defilled :o(

She has settled down a lot though, within herself. She's matured a bit and is not so excitable. She tested waters by saying various things, and i just knew what to say to everything. It was awesome!

She's going to stay in Brisbane untill the end of the school year, but for tonight she is staying with us. We are going to watch "Mean girls" and talk and stuff. I found a laptop, so i thought i'd add this post while i'm still excited about Gods promise to let everything fall into place at the right time.

Thanks God for knowing everything and for really being in charge :o)

I have realised what Alix's biggest problem is. She has an overactive need for justice, as she sees it. Her main ambition in life is to get what she believes is coming to her, at any cost. She honestly believes that she is the most important person on the planet. Her drive in life is pride, and she believes that everybody owes her whatever she sees fit. Not getting it is the cause of her constant anger

God has shown me the pride before now, but not the other stuff. I believe that in knowing this, i can work with it, with Gods help :o)

Thanks God, even for the little tidbits :o)

In regards to the post a few days down, about how i can see God's handy work in preperation for Alix's return, I forgot to mention this;
God has also enabled me to see that i'm not only not a bad parent, but that i'm actualy a pretty good mum.
When we meet or hear of a troubled kid who acts out a lot, we automaticaly assume that child has come from a troubled home. A home where they are being neglected of attention and affection. I'm guilty of assuming that myself when i meet other rotten kids.
And people have always assumed that of Alix. In fact, we've NEVER been able to get Alix the counciling and medical attention she desprately needs. Because EVERYONE just assumes that all Alix needs, is a few hugs, encouragement, and positive reinforcement.
I have 2 other children who are very happy, well adjusted and stable.
I've always tried to treat my kids the same.
And yet i just believed what the general attitude was. I felt like a bad mother, a failure, because all my efforts to raise Alix right were fruitless.
In the time that Alix has been away, i've had the time to really see my two other children.
I didn't realise untill now, just how much time i was spending on Alix, and in turn, neglecting my other two. The past eight months have been spent really getting to know them and enjoying them. They are great kids with a great sense of humour. Awesome talents and great schooling habits. I knew all this before, but it was more of a relief because i didn't have to worry about them at the same time as worrying about Alix.
I look at these two wonderful kids and i realise something i've never allowed myself to entertain in my mind - I'm a good mum. I really am a good mum. I might not be a sports mum who enrolls her kids into every sport. And i might not be active with the P&C school commitee.
But i respect my children, i listen to them, & i welcome their ideas and viewpoints.
I encourage them to be the best people they can be, both at home, and in the communitee.
We are affectionate with each other. Rose isn't a kissy huggy person, but she likes har back rubbed and her hair played with. Jason loves kisses & cuddles, and sitting close on the couch.
Jason likes collecting little rocks and Rose can't throw out any piece of paper.
We play together and i'd drop whatever i'm doing to read them a story book.
I'm doing my best to raise happy little soldiers for God, who will see God as a loving father, rather than a big judge with a big stick.
I am a good mum, and i know that when Alix comes home, how i deal with her will now be motivated more by fairness and love, rather than guilt.

I couldn't see any of this before, but with Alix gone, God has let me see.

Thanks God :o)
*
(BTW "Parenthood" is one of my favourite all time movies :o)

I've been trying to find the post regarding God's promise to heal our family during Alix's absense, but i can't find it. Maybe i didn't add it or save it :o/

Well, God promised me that he would use this time apart to heal our hearts, if we would just trust him. He assured me that when Alix comes back, things will be different.

Well i have leaned into God, and i do trust that things will be different. Things will be different.

John has not. He has escaped into the world of computer gaming, rather than spending this time giving his issues regarding Alix to God, and letting God sorting them out with him.

John is emotionaly no better off in regards to Alix, than what he was the day she left. I worry about that. But i have to give that to God as well.

Bit by bit i can see God's awesome plan unfolding in preperation for Alix's return, as promised.

*Rose And Jason have blossomed into their own beings with confidence [Rather than just being what Alix allowed them to be, through intimidation] And they have formed some kind of freindship with each other.

*My heart has healed from Alix's constant trampling on it. It is stronger and fitter, and ready to start again :o)

*Our church has a few new girls Alix's age who are tomboys, like Alix. Before there were only "girly" girls. And even though they were freinds with Alix, Alix couldn't relate a great deal to them and vice versa.

* I have made some new freinds at church who met me before they met Alix. Usualy people meet Alix, who is full on at any time, or hear of Alix, before they meet me. And people just assume that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

So i have had the chance to form great freindships, and maybe gain support for the future.

*When Alix returns, she will be going to the local high school. A year ago, every kid who was her arch enemy went to this school. Now all but one have left.

* Because of the incident with Peter, and the allowed lifestyle she's been living while being at her fathers, Alix has tasted what the world has to offer. And she doesn't really like it.

These are the things i've seen so far, and i'm very excited! God is awesome! AWESOME!!!!!

Saving yourself untill you are married - This battle has been lost for my beautiful 14yo daughter, Alix.
She was in respite care [because she has aspergers and is a handful to live with] every second weekend while staying with her dad in Brisbane. A 46yo guy at that respite has been sexualy abusing my daughter over the past month. He manipulated her into thinking she loves him and he loves her. The day before yesterday he was arrested with 31 charges against him. And he should get 20-30 years in prison. The full story is here.
When my ex-husband first called me to tell me, I was a mess! I've tried very hard over the years to instill into my children the importance of waiting untill you are married. But she seemed so happy to give it away without a second thougt. She doesn't regret it. Maybe she will later on, i dont know.
God has given me an unbelievable amount of strength and assurance through all this!
He has assured me that this is all part of his plan. Even though this has been tragic for all involved, it is all part of the big picture, and i believe him. If i had of posted this blog entry a few days ago, it would have been a spiritualy strong post...but i have fallen.
Now that the original shock has subsided, it's getting harder. As bizzare as it sounds, i feel as though i have been violated too some how. I'm usualy a happy, jolly person who sees the lighter side of everything. I don't take things seriously as all unless i absolutely HAVE to. [I spent years carefully perfecting that!] And this pain inside me is sucking the very joy out of my heart! I am feeling an overwhelming sense of hopelessness & dispair, and the last thing on my lips is a smile.
I keep ringing her to ask her stuff that i just need to know. [Luckily she feels comfortable telling me] I need to know if she enjoyed it. I need to know if she gave him oral sex, and if she enjoyed that etc. All these disguting details that i don't want to know, yet feel the need to ask.
Alix feels as if she can go through the process of moving on now, Because the hard part is over for her. But i've just learnt about it, and i'm still at the tormented stage.
I feel so emotionaly crippled, and there's just no-one to talk to about it who can offer advise on how to move past it.
I still believe it's all part of Gods awesome plan. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, but i know it's there.
I keep praying, "Lord, please take this debilitating pain away from me!" And yet somehow, i know he wants me to feel it through - Run it's course. He has a plan for this pain.
So i'll just have to trust in him, lean toward him, and let him walk me through it on his terms.
I'm glad he knows what he's doing, coz right now, i can't even plan dinner properly!

*

God, Please let this pain be dealt with quickly.

I've always thought that "Spare the rod, Spoil the child" Proverbs 13-24, ment that we need to physicaly correct our children when they do wrong or they'll grow up to be horrible people.. I never put any thought into it, i just took that sentance as black & white.I took it for granted with my oldest [now teenage] child, Alix, who is a bit of a difficult child to live with. She always seemed to be looking for trouble and doing something that warranted a smack.
6 months ago she moved out of home, and i was left with my two children aged 10 & 7, who are very easy to care for & live with in comparison!
In relation to disiplining them, i've come to realise that "He who withholds his rod hates his son, But he who loves him disciplines him diligently." isn't talking about smacking our kids whenever they play up. But it's talking about disipline as a whole. The rod represents disipline. The rod demands respect.
We don't want our kids to be afraid of us. We want them to learn to behave constructively in order to conduct themselves properly when they become adults.

For those of us who were smacked as kids, we tend to say, "I was smacked as a kid, and i turned out alright." But did we really? I'm 36, and when i look at my Dad, there's still that scared 9yo that looks back at him from behind my eyes. Not respect..fear.
My own daughter, i believe, was/is damaged by the amount of smacking i gave her. In hind sight, i think she has some of the problems she does because i was quicker to smack her, than properly take the time to "correct" her. She behaved at home, because she knew she'd get a smack if she played up. But then as soon as she was out of the house, she ran a muck, knowing there were no immediate consiquences [?] I hadn't taught her better ways to behave. I just taught her to fear me.
I've come to realise that the rod is a much wider, complicated range of disipline. Disipline that comes from really knowing our children, and really loving them. It is a whole relationship in itself.
And where does the smack fit? Do we really need to smack our kids in order to effectively correct them? Did God really mean for us to hit our children?

I know it's too late to take that back now for Alix, but i can use the information to better our relationship [somehow].
And i can use this revelation with my other two children.

Thanks God, for opening my eyes & while i'm still in a position to use it. You're the best! :o)

I had a wonderful mothers day this year! It was just awesomely awesome!
Except the fact that Alix didn't bother ringing me for mothers day. I know that it's something really simple. But coming from Alix, it's a multiplied hurt. Alix didn't want to say happy birthday to me last year either [gee here's another"poor me"!], and she was living with us then!
I waited all day for her call. And even when i went out, the first thing i did when i came home, was check the phone for messages.
I sent her an e-mail telling her that i felt hurt that she'd forgotten me. But she didn't reply.
Pathetic i know, to harbour such a thing. But it's REALLY cut me! And for some sad reason, i don't want to pray about it yet. Instead, i want to nurse the hurt :o(

*

I blacked out Alix's eyes because i didn't want her looking at me while i posted.

Back to the Alix saga, [I could write a movie out of this!] Things are going from bad to worse for Alix. Her tantrums and rebelion are getting more violent and making less sense. Sometimes it's easier for me to babble on about the things that Alix does, rather than stay focused on God's promise to lead her [and the rest of the family] through it.
I got a phone call early this morning, telling me she'd run away through the night. No-one knew where she was heading or how long she'd been gone. As she's in a big city, that's kinda scary!
I had to go into the next town for some work related stuff. I sat in an underground carpark and just thought about Alix. And God asked me if i trust him. I didn't even have to think about that. Yes i do trust him, and he seems to be giving me the ability to trust him more than i as a human can.
Again, i had to make a choice. Am i going to look at this situation in a worldly way, and chose to hang on to the worry and doubt? Or am i going to hand the whole thing [not just some bits] to him, and let him deal with it as he sees fit? Can i stand back and trust him when God is bringing Alix to her knees in order to get past her pride, and reach her? Can I?

*

Yes.