This week i have had an awful cough/cold. I'm fine while i'm sitting up, but as soon as i lie down, i have massive coughing fits that can last up to two hours T_T
The night before last, i prayed when i went to bed, that God would stop the cough so i could get a good nights rest. And you know what? I didn't cough once all night. But i had a crappy nights sleep because i kept waking up, expecting to cough.
So God answered my prayer, and then i expected him to default on it. How dumb is that!?!

Wow, i can't believe it's been over a year since i've been here! Stuff has happened between God and i, and i've thought about writing about it here. But i just haven't been as committed to this blog as i have some of my others. Is that a reflection on my walk with God, where it's at and my priorities? Honestly...maybe :o/
When i write here, i feel closer to God. So i will step it up a bit.

This post will be about Alix, My oldest daughter....

 Alix left our home when she was 14, to go and live with her Dad in another state [her choice]. Alix had always been a demanding, whiny, draining and rebellious kid And we constantly butted heads. Hence our relationship has always been strained.
When she went away, i worried. God made me a promise though, that she would come back, things would be different, and for the better.
I struggled at times to have faith in that promise. To cut a long story short, Alix had a relationship with a man 3 times her age, quit school, started living on the city streets - sleeping in shop exits. Begged for drug,booze & food money. Mutilated her face by deeply cutting it up in a drunken stupor. Slept with anyone who'd have her, and got pregnant to who knows who.
She asked me if i'd take the baby. She wanted to move back home, have the baby and leave it here. Then move back to the city, alone. At first John and i said we would. But then we changed our minds because of various reasons.

Alix moved home and she was different. Confused, scared and a little disorientated, but overall she had changed for the better. A bit quieter, not so easy to anger and a bit easier to reason with. Another big change was in me. I had had enough time away from her where i had developed patience with her. It was like God had helped me to see the heart in her that he sees, and for the first time in her life, i can appreciate her to some degree, and actually enjoy being with her half the time. Things are still tender, but defiantly on a healing road. Like a seemingly dead plant with a fresh, new green sprout coming up from the roots!

I think the baby has a big part to do with it too. Because he's something that i can relate to her with. And he is something she needs me with. So he is like a bonding gel that God has used to bring us back together.

I can not put into words how grateful to God i am for this awesome situation! Like a mother hen with her chickens all gathered together, i feel complete as a mother.
So many nights i lay in bed and wondered if God really was going to move on the situation. But he would whisper to me, repeating his promise. I would confide in him that even though i wasn't sure, i would lay all the faith i had out to him and trust him with it.
I see now that Alix had to go through all that crap. She has an extreme personality and had to experience extreme things.
When she came home, she said how she loved being here where she knew she was loved and wanted. Something she had forgotten, living on the streets where people only 'loved' you when you had something they wanted.
Since she's been home, she's been going to church and bible study etc, and soaking it all up.

Over the last two weeks, she's had to go to the next town for blood tests etc due to complications with the pregnancy and she's been feeling quite vulnerable, open and raw. We've spent a lot of close traveling time together and had some awesomely open conversations that i thought we'd never have! I've gotten to know different aspects of Alix and I've seen more of myself in her at that age than i thought was possible. At the same time, she's realised that she can trust me enough to talk about personal things that she didn't think she could before.
It's all just so awesome, and i can't express my gratitude enough!

<---About 2 years ago we borrowed the DVD "Sponge bob goes prehistoric". Jason has every Sponge bob DVD as he adores Sponge bob and we don't get to see him on tele.
But when we found that he didn't have the mentioned DVD and borrowed it, for some reason i decided to illegally copy it.

I'm not into copying stuff as a rule. In fact i openly oppose it. DVDs are cheap enough these days so there's no reason to "steal" them.
The only reason I'm happy to burn a movie is if it can't be found to buy.

So i don't know why i decided it was a good idea to burn the Sponge bob DVD. Maybe i felt that we'd bought every other one so we deserved a freebie? I don't know. But this DVD haunted me! As soon as we burnt it i regretted it. So in my head i promised God that i will buy the DVD when i see it in a store.
So a couple of months goes by and i see it in K-Mart, but I'm kinda short on cash so maybe next time...
Then a while later i see it in BigW, but I'm in a hurry so maybe next time...
Then i see it again in K-Mart. I look at it, feel guilty, but walk away anyway.
Each time i feel more and more like crap when i walk away. The little voice in my heart says, "You made a promise..."
A couple of weeks ago Jason, Rose and I were in BigW. I saw the DVD and this time i couldn't leave it there so we bought it.
We have a lot of DVDs, but i gotta say that this one is now my prized one!

Isn't that a weird little story? lol

I have a few Christian themed T-shirts that i wear for what i call "token evangelism". I didn't wear any to work for the first 6 weeks as it's a close environment and i wanted people to see me as the relatively easy going, every day person i am rather than be afraid to speak to me at all because i look like a bible basher.
I wore my shirt with the above print a week ago. People were a little taken back by it and most tried to pretend they hadn't even seen it, even though i knew they had just read it [either that or a lot of people checked out my boobs carefully that day lol] And i came home happy to know that i'd let people know i was a Christian without a word being said about it.
Then i went back to wearing my usual one liner T-Shirts.
Today i wore the Christian shirt again. Just before the first break i said a little prayer in my head, "Please God, people should feel easy enough around me now. Let my shirt stir curiosity and let people feel comfortable and willing to bring up the subject of you and let me have the right words to answer them."
Then we went to our break and afterwards i moved to a new item to pack [Coz i was bored with the previous item. We do it a lot] Less than 5 minutes into it, the woman [about 21yo] next to me [who i've only spoken to briefly once before, and about the town tart] said to me, "Have you heard of Hillsong?" I said i had and i'd been there once. And she said " I grew up in Hillsong. My parents pushed that way of life onto me so much that now i just don't want anything to do with it." I said " What do you have the most problem with?" And she said "Well for starters, i just don't get the 10 commandments. They are impossible to keep." And i started with "Ok well that's where Jesus comes in......." And the lady packing behind me started listening in too, but tried not to look too obvious.

I was really surprised at how quickly that all happened. I'm still a bit taken back by it.
Thanks God, for the opportunity. That was awesome and i can see a few doors opening there! WooHooooooo!!!

At my new job i have had a bit of juvenile trouble from another woman who calls herself a Christian. I spoke to a couple of women in the church about it and one suggested that it might be a case of Satan using her to rob me of my joy of working. Satan doesn't want me in a position to grow as a person so he'll jab into my side where he can.
The other woman said that when our circumstances change, so do the attacks.

Yesterdays church message was about believing we are how God sees us. We read/hear the words, but do we believe them in our every day life?
Friday at work was hard for me. I came home absolutely spent! So this morning, on the way to work, i prayed that i would see myself how he does and i would have a great day at work and have joy in it.

...then it was bloody horrible!!! It was a great day till after lunch. Then i got moved to the beginning of the production line, packing meat that was sticking together, into boxes that were moving too fast. I kept fighting to keep the boxes still while the box guy was pushing them harder along, despite my please for him to slow down. I asked my supervisor to move me to a less speedy spot, but he dismissed my request and told me to deal with it.
Cutting a long story short i ended up letting my boxes get away from me and i got overwhelmed and started crying out of frustration.
I told the supervisor i was going to the loo and i walked away.
I sat in the bathroom till i composed myself and i called John so he could make me feel better, which he did :o) I felt really stupid and defeated. Everyone else was able to do the job so why couldn't i keep up?
I walked back into the factory [where everyone now knew i'd been crying and i'd run off]
and i apologised to my supervisor. He gave me the job of breaking up boxes and helping the packers. Some of the women were not happy at my "Princess fit" and made no effort to hide it.
I couldn't wait for the day to be over when i could just run home to the safety of my family and cry into my pillow.

But after i left work and had time to think about the situation, I realised that even though what i felt there today was horrible and the events that led to it were yucky, it was actually a good thing. God heard my prayer and was working on it before i had even finished asking. Satan heard my prayer as well, and done his best to make me fail. He wanted me to feel the frustration and be overwhelmed. He wanted me to feel like a failure and use the little window i had to quit and walk away. Away from the job and back to being a bored housewife with feelings of personal financial inadequacy.

So if he's going to go to all that effort to sabotage my new life, What God has planned for me must be REALLY awesome!!! WoooHooooooo!!!

From that horrible spiritual place i was at only a month ago, My life has had a complete turn around.
I leaned on God and refused to let go through my darkest hour, and he has and is working wonders in my life!
Little things here and there. The best way to discribe it is, it feels like new little baby branches reaching for the sun in between the old familiar branches. They'll eventualy get larger and stronger than the old branches, and the old branches will gradualy be in the distant shade.

Thank you God, for never leaving me. For always being what you promised.

I have reached a point in my walk where God has allowed me to be broken in various areas of my life, all at once. Some i can talk about, and some i can not.
With my over eating and alcohol habits, i have reached a point of absolute hoplessness. I have no control over these areas and i've been forced into fully surrendering them to him.
There's an issue with Rose going to QLD that i have had to give solely to God as well. As it's a very confusing situation.
I've had depression for years [as long as i can remember] allthough it's been labeled with ADD till now. and my doctor now thinks i may have a form of Bi-Polar, and has started me on a treatment for that. I was very unsure about starting with the drugs as they are quite strong drugs, that could have a terrible effect if i DONT have Bi-polar. I've had to give that over to God.
And one other part of my life that i can't talk about on a public forum. Something i've done all my adult life in a certain way, and i now realise it's wrong. But i don't know how else to do it. God showed me the era, so i've given it to him to fix.
Why all at once? I don't know.
I feel very vulnerable right now. Both emotional and spiritual

I have realised that i am very immature in my walk with Jesus. As you may know, i was saved 11 years ago. But after i learned the truth, i just kinda wondered around in the wilderness for 7 - 8 years. Then i really started to blossom in my relationship with God, once we joined the church we are with. For the first time in all that time, i really devoloped a relationship with our Lord!

But alas, i am still at the babe stage. My prayer life doesn't go beyond my family and freinds. I hear people praying for revival, the government, other governments etc, but i just can't feel for those things and i feel guilty. As much as i am not a selfish person at all, i just can't move past praying for my family. This was really driven home, when someone prayed today about the musicians that went before the armies in bible times. They asked that we have the same heart.

I thought to myself, "Gee, that's sooo beyond me!"

I better work on getting out of this milk fed baby stage. Or at least ask God to help me move past it!

Thanks God, For showing me when things need to change :o)

It's funny, But after i wrote down how i felt yesterday, The weight started lifting fairly quickly. [Not off my hips, off my mind] It was like God was saying, "Ok, I've allowed you to feel these human emotions. Now move away from them and freely do what i ask."
While i was praying, God told me i need to forgive Peter, and send him a note in prison to say that i forgive him, and why. So, as much as my limited understanding is, I forgive this man for what he has taken from my daughter. I will show him the love that is required of me, through Christ. And it will be genuine :o)

Thank you God, For always being in charge. For giving me a spirit of obedience, and for being a loving, gentle father :o)

In regards to the June 25th post, about the Christian guy that loathes me, On Sunday i was absolutely FLOORED when HE approached me and started a conversation!!! He talked so much that i could barely get a word in! Not that i couldn't have spoken if i wanted to, because my jaw was stuck to the floor lol. John, who was standing next to me, was pretty flabagasted as well. When the guy in question walked away, i just turned toward John and gave thanks to God.
Much to the amusement of the woman behind us, who had no idea what was going on, and it would have looked like i was calling John, God, and praying to him lol

I believe this turn around wouldn't have happened if i hadn't asked God to intervene. This guy and i have been staying out of each others way for 2 years with no variation, and as soon as i give it to God, things do an about face within 3 weeks!

Thanks God for being so awesome! And for reminding me to give things to you first, before trying to fix it myself. Thanks for hearing my prayer and answering it quickly. I don't know what you whispered to this guy or how you worked with his heart, but i'm very grateful for the knowledge that YOU are in control of everything. NOT us! :o)

* Picture came from this site

There is a Christian man i know who absolutely loathes me! I've known him and his family for a few years, and even though i don't know him well, I like him, i care about what he thinks, and i've tried VERY hard to genuinely develop some sort of relationship with him. Maybe too hard at times, but overall i've just tried getting along with him. I've just tried to meet him at some level. I've tried joking around, making small talk, I've tried to get into deeper conversation, tried to banter with him, barrack for him [Even when he's had altercations with other people]. I've complimented him when he's made progress with something and I've prayed for him through trials. He went through a thing once where he wasn't sure where his faith was at. So when he "came back" i sent an e-mail to him, telling him it was good to see him back. Well, he responded with a barrage of insults!

He doesn't have a sense of humour and he is very forthcoming about what he thinks. And he does not like me one tiny little bit [hasn't from the start], and he's not afraid to say so!!!

Now, i know there's always going to be people who don't like us. There's nothing we can do about that, and worrying about it will only drive us mad, so why bother? It amuses John that i let this guy get to me.

But we are fellow Christians who interact every other day [with other people] during outreach. We are on teams together. We are supposed to be united at some level. We are supposed to at least TRY to get along with each other! Not be best freinds, but at least on polite talking terms.

This guy will avoid being within 5 feet of me if he can. If he walks past me in the street, he'll look the other way so he doesn't have to make eye contact.

I've now backed off completely due to self preservation. If i say anything to him where he HAS to respond, he's very short and sharp, and he's said some very cutting things to me, that have come out of nowhere! If i know i have to talk to him, i feel like i need a courage drink first. I actualy have to work myself up to it!

Ideally i'd like to talk to him about it. I'd like to sit down and have it out, even with a mediatar.

But it's gotten to a stage where i can't even think about my relationship with him, without shedding a tear. Because it hurts. As a Christian i care about him, and when you care about someone that you have to interact with all the time, and they see you as nothing but pond scum, it kinda gets to you. I don't want to ask him if we can sit down and sort it out, and have him go off his nut about it.

A few weeks ago. I was standing at a shop door, and he walked past as if i wasn't there [again]. I didn't say hello [coz that usualy results in getting my head bitten off] but i smiled..in vein.

It hurt, as usual. So i gave it to God [Why is that usualy the last resort??] I asked God to heal the relationship. I asked him to soften this guys heart toward me.

Well this week a bit of progress was made. I asked him how he was enjoying a toy in his life, and he answered kinda nicely. We interacted for a few sentances like civil people, and it was good, before the cutting remark at the end. Some progress you say?

Well it was, because of the few sentances BEFORE the cutting remark. Normaly it's just the acknowledgement [by me], then straight to the cutting remark! [by him]

So thanks God, For what looks like a bit of healing. Please keep at it. Soften his heart and help him see that i have feelings that get hurt. Help him to look at how he interacts with people.

Thanks God [[HUG]]

I nearly didn't go to church on Sunday. My back has been pinching a lot at the bottom. And on Saturday arvo it started hurting further up the top of my back as well. By Sunday morning i felt like my back was warping and i felt i'd be much better off in bed!
But i said to John, "I really want to nurture my back rather than to go to church. But whenever i don't go, that's when the best sermons happen! lol"
So we packed our stuff and went.
We had a visiting speaker and he was really good :o)
After the service, Graeme [our paster] had an alter call and i went up. I really want to understand the things going on inside me. He prayed for me and even though I still didn't understand,my back felt great!! lol
That was 2 days ago, and it STILL feels great!
Thanks God! *HUG*

In January, My oldest daughter, Alix - 14yo, went to live with her biological father. It was a huge thing for me. [Read about it here and the promise here]

Alix has since been hospitalised because she is convinced she is a vampire, and she keeps biting people. They put her in hospital to find out what makes her tick.

I was personaly relieved that she'd been hospitalised, because i assumed she'd now finaly get the help she so desprately needs. We live in a small town and her father lives in a big city. So the services available to her will be numurous!

However, no-one from the hospital has bothered to call me regarding Alix's personal development over the years. Alix is due to leave the hospital tomorow, and i asked her tonight, just what help or counceling she's had over the past week. She said they've had regular schooling and an hour a day of group theropy. They talk about their family lives and how they feel about it.

Even though Alix is a compulsive liar, there was no room to lie here. I'm not inpressed and i'll be on the phone first thing tomorow to talk to someone, anyone, who might give a toss about my daughter!

If anyone is reading this, Please, PLEASE pray for Alix. Please pray that someone pays attention and she doesn't get lost in paperwork.

Thank you :o)