Wow, i can't believe it's been over a year since i've been here! Stuff has happened between God and i, and i've thought about writing about it here. But i just haven't been as committed to this blog as i have some of my others. Is that a reflection on my walk with God, where it's at and my priorities? Honestly...maybe :o/
When i write here, i feel closer to God. So i will step it up a bit.

This post will be about Alix, My oldest daughter....

 Alix left our home when she was 14, to go and live with her Dad in another state [her choice]. Alix had always been a demanding, whiny, draining and rebellious kid And we constantly butted heads. Hence our relationship has always been strained.
When she went away, i worried. God made me a promise though, that she would come back, things would be different, and for the better.
I struggled at times to have faith in that promise. To cut a long story short, Alix had a relationship with a man 3 times her age, quit school, started living on the city streets - sleeping in shop exits. Begged for drug,booze & food money. Mutilated her face by deeply cutting it up in a drunken stupor. Slept with anyone who'd have her, and got pregnant to who knows who.
She asked me if i'd take the baby. She wanted to move back home, have the baby and leave it here. Then move back to the city, alone. At first John and i said we would. But then we changed our minds because of various reasons.

Alix moved home and she was different. Confused, scared and a little disorientated, but overall she had changed for the better. A bit quieter, not so easy to anger and a bit easier to reason with. Another big change was in me. I had had enough time away from her where i had developed patience with her. It was like God had helped me to see the heart in her that he sees, and for the first time in her life, i can appreciate her to some degree, and actually enjoy being with her half the time. Things are still tender, but defiantly on a healing road. Like a seemingly dead plant with a fresh, new green sprout coming up from the roots!

I think the baby has a big part to do with it too. Because he's something that i can relate to her with. And he is something she needs me with. So he is like a bonding gel that God has used to bring us back together.

I can not put into words how grateful to God i am for this awesome situation! Like a mother hen with her chickens all gathered together, i feel complete as a mother.
So many nights i lay in bed and wondered if God really was going to move on the situation. But he would whisper to me, repeating his promise. I would confide in him that even though i wasn't sure, i would lay all the faith i had out to him and trust him with it.
I see now that Alix had to go through all that crap. She has an extreme personality and had to experience extreme things.
When she came home, she said how she loved being here where she knew she was loved and wanted. Something she had forgotten, living on the streets where people only 'loved' you when you had something they wanted.
Since she's been home, she's been going to church and bible study etc, and soaking it all up.

Over the last two weeks, she's had to go to the next town for blood tests etc due to complications with the pregnancy and she's been feeling quite vulnerable, open and raw. We've spent a lot of close traveling time together and had some awesomely open conversations that i thought we'd never have! I've gotten to know different aspects of Alix and I've seen more of myself in her at that age than i thought was possible. At the same time, she's realised that she can trust me enough to talk about personal things that she didn't think she could before.
It's all just so awesome, and i can't express my gratitude enough!

At my new job i have had a bit of juvenile trouble from another woman who calls herself a Christian. I spoke to a couple of women in the church about it and one suggested that it might be a case of Satan using her to rob me of my joy of working. Satan doesn't want me in a position to grow as a person so he'll jab into my side where he can.
The other woman said that when our circumstances change, so do the attacks.

Yesterdays church message was about believing we are how God sees us. We read/hear the words, but do we believe them in our every day life?
Friday at work was hard for me. I came home absolutely spent! So this morning, on the way to work, i prayed that i would see myself how he does and i would have a great day at work and have joy in it.

...then it was bloody horrible!!! It was a great day till after lunch. Then i got moved to the beginning of the production line, packing meat that was sticking together, into boxes that were moving too fast. I kept fighting to keep the boxes still while the box guy was pushing them harder along, despite my please for him to slow down. I asked my supervisor to move me to a less speedy spot, but he dismissed my request and told me to deal with it.
Cutting a long story short i ended up letting my boxes get away from me and i got overwhelmed and started crying out of frustration.
I told the supervisor i was going to the loo and i walked away.
I sat in the bathroom till i composed myself and i called John so he could make me feel better, which he did :o) I felt really stupid and defeated. Everyone else was able to do the job so why couldn't i keep up?
I walked back into the factory [where everyone now knew i'd been crying and i'd run off]
and i apologised to my supervisor. He gave me the job of breaking up boxes and helping the packers. Some of the women were not happy at my "Princess fit" and made no effort to hide it.
I couldn't wait for the day to be over when i could just run home to the safety of my family and cry into my pillow.

But after i left work and had time to think about the situation, I realised that even though what i felt there today was horrible and the events that led to it were yucky, it was actually a good thing. God heard my prayer and was working on it before i had even finished asking. Satan heard my prayer as well, and done his best to make me fail. He wanted me to feel the frustration and be overwhelmed. He wanted me to feel like a failure and use the little window i had to quit and walk away. Away from the job and back to being a bored housewife with feelings of personal financial inadequacy.

So if he's going to go to all that effort to sabotage my new life, What God has planned for me must be REALLY awesome!!! WoooHooooooo!!!

I have stumbled in my mission.
I have to say this, before i forget how i feel.
I'm sorry God. I'm sorry i'm like this. I'm sorry for throwing this in your face.
I was making so much progress with the gift you gave me, untill i fell flat on my face. But i will get back there, with your help, and only with your help.
Please forgive me for the ugliness i've made it. And please help me do better tomorow. Right here and now, God. I give tomorow to you. And the next day, and the next.
I'm sorry, Really i am.

Since my last post, things have been opened up a bit.
I was beginning to feel as if my very soul was just a 5'7 pit of oozing black oil like sludge, rotating around my body. I felt ugly on the inside. I was being consumed by my sin. It was eating me alive. I couldn't talk about it - i felt no-one could possibly understand, or even want to. I had put myself in the "too hard" basket. So why would anyone else want to hear about it, and mess up their normal day?
I quit the worship team at church, because i'm now a fraud. God doesn't want to talk to me/help me. So how can i sing about how awesome he is when i feel like he's a deserter, and i don't deserve his help anyway, because i keep happily sinning the same sins every day? The same sins i despratly need his help in overcoming? [Even though i still tearfully sang worship songs during my days]
I wasn't going to go to church on Sunday either. I didn't think i could go to church and praise him with open arms when i didn't mean it.
But i got up on Sunday morning early enough, so i went. I stood there, up the front of the congregation, and sang the songs, through my tears, with slumped shoulders.
I looked at everyone else. So happy to be there, so happy to praise his awesome name. And i was so thankful that they couldn't see the blackness of my heart. I felt so seporate from them. I just wanted to run away.
*
We had a guest speaker from Compassion. She spoke and then our Paster spoke. But afterwards the guest speaker got up again, because she had a "word from God for someone in the congregation". Well, just like last week, this word was for me. How uncanny is that? Two weeks in a row, the guest speaker speaks to me, With a messege from God? I can't find the book that i wrote it in, but it was something along the lines of, "Romans something: I loved you before you were a sinner, just as i love you now."
I spoke to the guest speaker afterwards, and told her how there have now been two words from two different speakers for me. She prayed for me. I felt God tell me to keep pressing into him - as much or as little as i can. And he told me that i absolutely must get off the medication that i was on. Those drugs were messing with my head. So i did, and i feel a little closer to God.

But he's still not offering help in the areas that i desprately need help with, so the wounds are still there. I know he loves me, and i know he says to lean on him. But where is he with that?
WHERE IS HE?
I am a drunk
I am a binge eater
I surround myself with clutter.

They are all intertwined with each other somehow.
All these things make me feel better about smething. But i dont Know what. It's a deep rooted problem that i can't sort out myself.One or the other, or even all 3, effect me every day. I need him and only him. How much do i need to confess that i need him with my heart before he answers?

I will lean into him, as much or as little as i can. It's all i can do.

Today i listened to the song by Casting Crowns called "Praise you in this storm". And it was a good reminder that we need to praise him even when we are at our lowest.

I will "Praise him in this storm."

I spoke to the worship leader after church, and he talked me into staying with it.

I went to the prayer healing 2 days ago. And as of yet, nothing has happened. I went with an open heart as i was instructed to. I was told to expect big things from God, and i did. Even if it was just a whisper of guidance from him - I expected it.
Last week at church, there was a guest speaker. Near the end of his sermon, he closed his eyes [because he didn't want anyone to think he was talking to them, if he looked at them] and said that "there is someone in the room that"......me. He was talking directly to me. Well the spirit was, through him. And i told the speaker that afterwards.
I thought then for sure that God was going to have stuff to say to me at the prayer healing.
I have never felt further away from God as i do right now. I have surrendered everything to him as best as i know how.
At the prayer healing, spiritual ties were broken. Such as rejection, familiarity, and religion.
I kept telling the two women that i know i need to work on things. And they kept assuring me that i have done what i can, to the best of my ability at the moment. Only God can do the rest. And i can only do it with him.
But where is he?
They told me that the "Angel on the bed" telling me what was said in the post before the last one, could very well have been a demonic thing. Because God never puts people in their place without showing them how to deal with the problem.
Great, so now i can't even trust those moments!
My life feels like a black hole right now, and i don't know how to get out. I feel like i could claw at my chest just to get rid of my black heart. I'm persistently reaching for God, but i can't find him. I'm listening for his voice and all i can hear is white noise.
I desperately wish i knew what the problem is! And i wish even more desperately that i could feel God's loving arms around me! Oh how i wish that!

I still can not sing. It has been six weeks since i lost my song, and i don't see it coming back in the near future. I can sing low notes, but once i get up into the higher notes, my voice cuts out. Usually that means i can't sing the chorus or the lead up to it. My throat isn't sore, but there is like a thin thread of phlegm that goes across my wind pipe, and my larynx is apparently damaged. Because of this i can't be a part of the worship team. I still go to the team practises, but i can't sing the songs.
I don't understand why this is happening, but i wish i did :o(

Thanks God, for knowing what you are doing and why you are doing it. And for allowing me to trust you, even when it's hard to do.

Saving yourself untill you are married - This battle has been lost for my beautiful 14yo daughter, Alix.
She was in respite care [because she has aspergers and is a handful to live with] every second weekend while staying with her dad in Brisbane. A 46yo guy at that respite has been sexualy abusing my daughter over the past month. He manipulated her into thinking she loves him and he loves her. The day before yesterday he was arrested with 31 charges against him. And he should get 20-30 years in prison. The full story is here.
When my ex-husband first called me to tell me, I was a mess! I've tried very hard over the years to instill into my children the importance of waiting untill you are married. But she seemed so happy to give it away without a second thougt. She doesn't regret it. Maybe she will later on, i dont know.
God has given me an unbelievable amount of strength and assurance through all this!
He has assured me that this is all part of his plan. Even though this has been tragic for all involved, it is all part of the big picture, and i believe him. If i had of posted this blog entry a few days ago, it would have been a spiritualy strong post...but i have fallen.
Now that the original shock has subsided, it's getting harder. As bizzare as it sounds, i feel as though i have been violated too some how. I'm usualy a happy, jolly person who sees the lighter side of everything. I don't take things seriously as all unless i absolutely HAVE to. [I spent years carefully perfecting that!] And this pain inside me is sucking the very joy out of my heart! I am feeling an overwhelming sense of hopelessness & dispair, and the last thing on my lips is a smile.
I keep ringing her to ask her stuff that i just need to know. [Luckily she feels comfortable telling me] I need to know if she enjoyed it. I need to know if she gave him oral sex, and if she enjoyed that etc. All these disguting details that i don't want to know, yet feel the need to ask.
Alix feels as if she can go through the process of moving on now, Because the hard part is over for her. But i've just learnt about it, and i'm still at the tormented stage.
I feel so emotionaly crippled, and there's just no-one to talk to about it who can offer advise on how to move past it.
I still believe it's all part of Gods awesome plan. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, but i know it's there.
I keep praying, "Lord, please take this debilitating pain away from me!" And yet somehow, i know he wants me to feel it through - Run it's course. He has a plan for this pain.
So i'll just have to trust in him, lean toward him, and let him walk me through it on his terms.
I'm glad he knows what he's doing, coz right now, i can't even plan dinner properly!

*

God, Please let this pain be dealt with quickly.

I don't know why [ I just know how] but one incident after another is happening between myself and other members of my church. I don't know if it's happening with other people within our church.
Little wedges are being jammed in here and there. Offence is the big one of course. I don't really let things get to me. Especially little things that aren't that important in the big picture. Everyone is different and that's what makes life interesting.
I'm not typicaly a person who suffers from pride [unless i'm driving, but that's a different story! lol] so i don't tend to react badly to other peoples bad moods, stressed out behaviour, or just little things in general.
But lately i've been taking offence at things and really taking them on board. And when i have a problem i need to talk about, i'm not going to the people within the church i usualy go to, or anyone else [in the church]. I feel like i'm alienated, but not by anything. Just..because. I'm not harbouring any resentments towards anyone. As soon as i know i'm feeling offence, i pray about it, deal with it and move on as genuinely as i honestly can. Because i know the one place Satan attacks first is the church. If he can divide the church, he can divide the church from the community etc. So i try to stay aware of that.
There is no valid reason for me to feel sensitive and distant at the moment.
I'm under some sort of spiritual attack and i know i need to be in fellowship as much as possible. But when i am in fellowship, i feel more alone and distant from everyone than ever. Hence, i'm sensitive to what's being said to me. It's a vicious circle!
I'm staying close to God and to his word, and at the moment, i think that's about all i can do.