This week i have had an awful cough/cold. I'm fine while i'm sitting up, but as soon as i lie down, i have massive coughing fits that can last up to two hours T_T
The night before last, i prayed when i went to bed, that God would stop the cough so i could get a good nights rest. And you know what? I didn't cough once all night. But i had a crappy nights sleep because i kept waking up, expecting to cough.
So God answered my prayer, and then i expected him to default on it. How dumb is that!?!

Wow, i can't believe it's been over a year since i've been here! Stuff has happened between God and i, and i've thought about writing about it here. But i just haven't been as committed to this blog as i have some of my others. Is that a reflection on my walk with God, where it's at and my priorities? Honestly...maybe :o/
When i write here, i feel closer to God. So i will step it up a bit.

This post will be about Alix, My oldest daughter....

 Alix left our home when she was 14, to go and live with her Dad in another state [her choice]. Alix had always been a demanding, whiny, draining and rebellious kid And we constantly butted heads. Hence our relationship has always been strained.
When she went away, i worried. God made me a promise though, that she would come back, things would be different, and for the better.
I struggled at times to have faith in that promise. To cut a long story short, Alix had a relationship with a man 3 times her age, quit school, started living on the city streets - sleeping in shop exits. Begged for drug,booze & food money. Mutilated her face by deeply cutting it up in a drunken stupor. Slept with anyone who'd have her, and got pregnant to who knows who.
She asked me if i'd take the baby. She wanted to move back home, have the baby and leave it here. Then move back to the city, alone. At first John and i said we would. But then we changed our minds because of various reasons.

Alix moved home and she was different. Confused, scared and a little disorientated, but overall she had changed for the better. A bit quieter, not so easy to anger and a bit easier to reason with. Another big change was in me. I had had enough time away from her where i had developed patience with her. It was like God had helped me to see the heart in her that he sees, and for the first time in her life, i can appreciate her to some degree, and actually enjoy being with her half the time. Things are still tender, but defiantly on a healing road. Like a seemingly dead plant with a fresh, new green sprout coming up from the roots!

I think the baby has a big part to do with it too. Because he's something that i can relate to her with. And he is something she needs me with. So he is like a bonding gel that God has used to bring us back together.

I can not put into words how grateful to God i am for this awesome situation! Like a mother hen with her chickens all gathered together, i feel complete as a mother.
So many nights i lay in bed and wondered if God really was going to move on the situation. But he would whisper to me, repeating his promise. I would confide in him that even though i wasn't sure, i would lay all the faith i had out to him and trust him with it.
I see now that Alix had to go through all that crap. She has an extreme personality and had to experience extreme things.
When she came home, she said how she loved being here where she knew she was loved and wanted. Something she had forgotten, living on the streets where people only 'loved' you when you had something they wanted.
Since she's been home, she's been going to church and bible study etc, and soaking it all up.

Over the last two weeks, she's had to go to the next town for blood tests etc due to complications with the pregnancy and she's been feeling quite vulnerable, open and raw. We've spent a lot of close traveling time together and had some awesomely open conversations that i thought we'd never have! I've gotten to know different aspects of Alix and I've seen more of myself in her at that age than i thought was possible. At the same time, she's realised that she can trust me enough to talk about personal things that she didn't think she could before.
It's all just so awesome, and i can't express my gratitude enough!

Two weeks ago we went on a holiday to the Gold Coast. While there we went to a TimeZone [a game arcade place] and there was one of those pain-in-the-butt claw machines full of Nintendo characters. Well, Luigi from Mario Bros is Jasons fav all time game character. Followed closely by Mario. Jason wanted one of those toys SOOOOOOO bad that he prayed earnestly to God that he would get one from the machine that day.
Well he didn't win one, John didn't win one for him, and i couldn't win one. But Rose, using her own money, won him not only a Luigi, but a Mario as well.
That was a great lesson for Jason, and i hope he remembers it!
If we ask God for something, he will answer. He knows the desires of our hearts and wants us to be happy. And he usualy doesn't answer in the way we think he will, and if his answer is in our favour, more abundantly than we expect.

I'm sure God was smiling on this face :o)

I have a few Christian themed T-shirts that i wear for what i call "token evangelism". I didn't wear any to work for the first 6 weeks as it's a close environment and i wanted people to see me as the relatively easy going, every day person i am rather than be afraid to speak to me at all because i look like a bible basher.
I wore my shirt with the above print a week ago. People were a little taken back by it and most tried to pretend they hadn't even seen it, even though i knew they had just read it [either that or a lot of people checked out my boobs carefully that day lol] And i came home happy to know that i'd let people know i was a Christian without a word being said about it.
Then i went back to wearing my usual one liner T-Shirts.
Today i wore the Christian shirt again. Just before the first break i said a little prayer in my head, "Please God, people should feel easy enough around me now. Let my shirt stir curiosity and let people feel comfortable and willing to bring up the subject of you and let me have the right words to answer them."
Then we went to our break and afterwards i moved to a new item to pack [Coz i was bored with the previous item. We do it a lot] Less than 5 minutes into it, the woman [about 21yo] next to me [who i've only spoken to briefly once before, and about the town tart] said to me, "Have you heard of Hillsong?" I said i had and i'd been there once. And she said " I grew up in Hillsong. My parents pushed that way of life onto me so much that now i just don't want anything to do with it." I said " What do you have the most problem with?" And she said "Well for starters, i just don't get the 10 commandments. They are impossible to keep." And i started with "Ok well that's where Jesus comes in......." And the lady packing behind me started listening in too, but tried not to look too obvious.

I was really surprised at how quickly that all happened. I'm still a bit taken back by it.
Thanks God, for the opportunity. That was awesome and i can see a few doors opening there! WooHooooooo!!!

Today i worked really hard. I moved the product faster than I've ever moved. I missed my second dose of pain killers for the day and i worked for 8 hours on my feet.
Now i am home. My feet hurt, my back hurts, my knees hurt, my fingers are numb and I'm tired...so tired.
But praise God i have a job, a good job with good, honest pay and I'm going back tomorrow to do it all again! Bring it on! *
*
Seriously...it's totally awesome! :o)

From that horrible spiritual place i was at only a month ago, My life has had a complete turn around.
I leaned on God and refused to let go through my darkest hour, and he has and is working wonders in my life!
Little things here and there. The best way to discribe it is, it feels like new little baby branches reaching for the sun in between the old familiar branches. They'll eventualy get larger and stronger than the old branches, and the old branches will gradualy be in the distant shade.

Thank you God, for never leaving me. For always being what you promised.

We have a black cat called Lotus, who is 12 years old. He is regarded as "King of the pets" in our house. To us humans anyway.
We've had a lot of other animals in the 12 years [who didn't make it]. And he's had to fight each one of them for his place on the family social ladder. Now he's just given up.
At the moment we have a 5yo pug called Princess, A 2yo tabby called Peppy [girl]. and a 1yo orange cat called Mr. Marbles.
Peppy seems to think she is the house defender. She's the one out there fighting off the strays. But unfortunately this has left her with a bit of a nervous disorder, where she is on edge and ready to fight all the time. She even sprays "her territory". Isn't that bizarre for a girl??
Mr. Marbles is a very naughty teenager cat, who's just always looking for trouble in the form of something to pounce on, or something to grab and play with.
Princess wants to be the first in line for everything. Pats, food and treats. No-one gets anything before her!
Lotus used to be a fighter, but he just doesn't have it in him anymore.
The last house we lived in, there was a kid who used to torment him and do mean things to him. That kinda caused him to go into his shell.
Then we moved here 5 years ago and Lotus sorta moved in under the house. He only came out when no-one else was around, to have a bit of dinner.
Then one of our cats got run over. Apparently he must of been Lotus's , because Lotus started coming out a bit more after he was gone.
But then Peppy started beating him up and chasing him, and Mr. Marbles started copying her. Princess would think there was some action going on that she was missing out on, so she'd start chasing too [didn't matter what, just in the general direction everyone else was going lol] I would yell at them and throw things at them when i caught them about to pounce on him. But then they just started using intimidation tactics [did you know animals did that???] like butt sniffing while he was eating to make him feel uncomfortable. They'd chase him out of our room where he liked to sleep etc. Lotus is old and just can't keep up. So they see him as an easy target.
Needless to say, he disappeared under the house again for a while.
Then it dawned on me one night to pray for him. To pray that he would stick up for himself a bit more. Or for the other animals to lay off him.
Then two nights after i prayed, Lotus reappeared. And things seem to be different. I haven't seen him run past me with Peppy hot on his tail. And i haven't seen the other cats bother him while he eats. And one day, while Lotus was sleeping in our room, i saw Peppy run out. Excellent :o)
That was 2 weeks ago.
Sometimes it's hard to remember that God cares about our pets too. But i'm glad he does :o)

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Ha Ha, you thought i would've posted about something else! Yea you :oÞ

Before we even got to the Gold coast for our holiday, and to pick Alix up, Alix decided that she didn't want to come home, but that she wanted to stay at her fathers. Then she said she wasn't sure what she wanted to do.

When i first saw Alix, she had barely changed! She was still my baby girl. I would never have known she'd been defilled :o(

She has settled down a lot though, within herself. She's matured a bit and is not so excitable. She tested waters by saying various things, and i just knew what to say to everything. It was awesome!

She's going to stay in Brisbane untill the end of the school year, but for tonight she is staying with us. We are going to watch "Mean girls" and talk and stuff. I found a laptop, so i thought i'd add this post while i'm still excited about Gods promise to let everything fall into place at the right time.

Thanks God for knowing everything and for really being in charge :o)

I have realised what Alix's biggest problem is. She has an overactive need for justice, as she sees it. Her main ambition in life is to get what she believes is coming to her, at any cost. She honestly believes that she is the most important person on the planet. Her drive in life is pride, and she believes that everybody owes her whatever she sees fit. Not getting it is the cause of her constant anger

God has shown me the pride before now, but not the other stuff. I believe that in knowing this, i can work with it, with Gods help :o)

Thanks God, even for the little tidbits :o)

In regards to the post a few days down, about how i can see God's handy work in preperation for Alix's return, I forgot to mention this;
God has also enabled me to see that i'm not only not a bad parent, but that i'm actualy a pretty good mum.
When we meet or hear of a troubled kid who acts out a lot, we automaticaly assume that child has come from a troubled home. A home where they are being neglected of attention and affection. I'm guilty of assuming that myself when i meet other rotten kids.
And people have always assumed that of Alix. In fact, we've NEVER been able to get Alix the counciling and medical attention she desprately needs. Because EVERYONE just assumes that all Alix needs, is a few hugs, encouragement, and positive reinforcement.
I have 2 other children who are very happy, well adjusted and stable.
I've always tried to treat my kids the same.
And yet i just believed what the general attitude was. I felt like a bad mother, a failure, because all my efforts to raise Alix right were fruitless.
In the time that Alix has been away, i've had the time to really see my two other children.
I didn't realise untill now, just how much time i was spending on Alix, and in turn, neglecting my other two. The past eight months have been spent really getting to know them and enjoying them. They are great kids with a great sense of humour. Awesome talents and great schooling habits. I knew all this before, but it was more of a relief because i didn't have to worry about them at the same time as worrying about Alix.
I look at these two wonderful kids and i realise something i've never allowed myself to entertain in my mind - I'm a good mum. I really am a good mum. I might not be a sports mum who enrolls her kids into every sport. And i might not be active with the P&C school commitee.
But i respect my children, i listen to them, & i welcome their ideas and viewpoints.
I encourage them to be the best people they can be, both at home, and in the communitee.
We are affectionate with each other. Rose isn't a kissy huggy person, but she likes har back rubbed and her hair played with. Jason loves kisses & cuddles, and sitting close on the couch.
Jason likes collecting little rocks and Rose can't throw out any piece of paper.
We play together and i'd drop whatever i'm doing to read them a story book.
I'm doing my best to raise happy little soldiers for God, who will see God as a loving father, rather than a big judge with a big stick.
I am a good mum, and i know that when Alix comes home, how i deal with her will now be motivated more by fairness and love, rather than guilt.

I couldn't see any of this before, but with Alix gone, God has let me see.

Thanks God :o)
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(BTW "Parenthood" is one of my favourite all time movies :o)

This revelation of forgiving Peter, and telling him that, and why, has become apparent even more by the fact that i rang the correctional centre this morning where he is being held. Apparently he has been trying to hurt himself. When i heard that, i felt genuine empathy. This man doesn't know God, and he needs him in his life as soon as possible. It's become obvious to me that i'm the one God wants to take God to him.
Peter is very anti-God, so i will wait on God to tell me what to write.

I am still overwhelmed by the fact that last night i hated this man, and i just wanted to smack him around a bit. My sister and I had a conversation where we would both go to the trial and try to bribe the police into letting us have just 10 minutes in the watch house with Peter before the trial to mess him up a bit.And today i want to help him heal. I find that very bizzare, so i can't imagine what you, the reader, must think!

Thanks God, for giving me the ability to WANT to honour you :o)

It's funny, But after i wrote down how i felt yesterday, The weight started lifting fairly quickly. [Not off my hips, off my mind] It was like God was saying, "Ok, I've allowed you to feel these human emotions. Now move away from them and freely do what i ask."
While i was praying, God told me i need to forgive Peter, and send him a note in prison to say that i forgive him, and why. So, as much as my limited understanding is, I forgive this man for what he has taken from my daughter. I will show him the love that is required of me, through Christ. And it will be genuine :o)

Thank you God, For always being in charge. For giving me a spirit of obedience, and for being a loving, gentle father :o)

In regards to the June 25th post, about the Christian guy that loathes me, On Sunday i was absolutely FLOORED when HE approached me and started a conversation!!! He talked so much that i could barely get a word in! Not that i couldn't have spoken if i wanted to, because my jaw was stuck to the floor lol. John, who was standing next to me, was pretty flabagasted as well. When the guy in question walked away, i just turned toward John and gave thanks to God.
Much to the amusement of the woman behind us, who had no idea what was going on, and it would have looked like i was calling John, God, and praying to him lol

I believe this turn around wouldn't have happened if i hadn't asked God to intervene. This guy and i have been staying out of each others way for 2 years with no variation, and as soon as i give it to God, things do an about face within 3 weeks!

Thanks God for being so awesome! And for reminding me to give things to you first, before trying to fix it myself. Thanks for hearing my prayer and answering it quickly. I don't know what you whispered to this guy or how you worked with his heart, but i'm very grateful for the knowledge that YOU are in control of everything. NOT us! :o)

* Picture came from this site

There is a Christian man i know who absolutely loathes me! I've known him and his family for a few years, and even though i don't know him well, I like him, i care about what he thinks, and i've tried VERY hard to genuinely develop some sort of relationship with him. Maybe too hard at times, but overall i've just tried getting along with him. I've just tried to meet him at some level. I've tried joking around, making small talk, I've tried to get into deeper conversation, tried to banter with him, barrack for him [Even when he's had altercations with other people]. I've complimented him when he's made progress with something and I've prayed for him through trials. He went through a thing once where he wasn't sure where his faith was at. So when he "came back" i sent an e-mail to him, telling him it was good to see him back. Well, he responded with a barrage of insults!

He doesn't have a sense of humour and he is very forthcoming about what he thinks. And he does not like me one tiny little bit [hasn't from the start], and he's not afraid to say so!!!

Now, i know there's always going to be people who don't like us. There's nothing we can do about that, and worrying about it will only drive us mad, so why bother? It amuses John that i let this guy get to me.

But we are fellow Christians who interact every other day [with other people] during outreach. We are on teams together. We are supposed to be united at some level. We are supposed to at least TRY to get along with each other! Not be best freinds, but at least on polite talking terms.

This guy will avoid being within 5 feet of me if he can. If he walks past me in the street, he'll look the other way so he doesn't have to make eye contact.

I've now backed off completely due to self preservation. If i say anything to him where he HAS to respond, he's very short and sharp, and he's said some very cutting things to me, that have come out of nowhere! If i know i have to talk to him, i feel like i need a courage drink first. I actualy have to work myself up to it!

Ideally i'd like to talk to him about it. I'd like to sit down and have it out, even with a mediatar.

But it's gotten to a stage where i can't even think about my relationship with him, without shedding a tear. Because it hurts. As a Christian i care about him, and when you care about someone that you have to interact with all the time, and they see you as nothing but pond scum, it kinda gets to you. I don't want to ask him if we can sit down and sort it out, and have him go off his nut about it.

A few weeks ago. I was standing at a shop door, and he walked past as if i wasn't there [again]. I didn't say hello [coz that usualy results in getting my head bitten off] but i smiled..in vein.

It hurt, as usual. So i gave it to God [Why is that usualy the last resort??] I asked God to heal the relationship. I asked him to soften this guys heart toward me.

Well this week a bit of progress was made. I asked him how he was enjoying a toy in his life, and he answered kinda nicely. We interacted for a few sentances like civil people, and it was good, before the cutting remark at the end. Some progress you say?

Well it was, because of the few sentances BEFORE the cutting remark. Normaly it's just the acknowledgement [by me], then straight to the cutting remark! [by him]

So thanks God, For what looks like a bit of healing. Please keep at it. Soften his heart and help him see that i have feelings that get hurt. Help him to look at how he interacts with people.

Thanks God [[HUG]]

Since my last post, things have changed quite dramaticaly! I haven't had a drink, and the journey has actualy been fairly easy. I believe that it is only because i have completly trusted in Gods grace and mercy.
I use to read about people trusting that his grace would carry them [Both in the bible and in peoples testimonies] And i never really understood how people did that or what it ment.
I would pray that God would carry me through it, and i would pray with all my heart with the limited understanding that i had.
That one fateful night changed everything. As i stated in the last entry, he waited untill i really, REALLY wanted it before he did his "Thang". And since then i have felt as if i'm spiritualy being carried along, like i'm floating in a current. And i just know that current is God's strength, not mine. Hence i'm being carried by God's [amazing] grace. It almost feels like i never had a drinking problem in the first place, and that's weird!
Remember when, a few posts ago, i said:
" There is something going on inside my heart that is hard to discribe. God is definatly doing things in me that will result in enormous changes."
Well he was. He was preparing my heart to be ready for his will, and i'm grateful.
I still haven't told anyone at church [bar one] or any freinds. I know that when something miraculous happens, we should share it as part of God's witness. I plan to get up in front of the church and tell it, But i feel the time isn't right to share it yet. And besides, i'm also worried that when i share it, various people will say stuff like, "Yea give her time. She'll cave in." So i'll leave it for a substantial amount of time for both reasons.
Since giving up, other areas in my life have been changing too. Having that big wall torn down has given me room to move forward and grow in other areas. But i'll save that for another post...

Australia is in the middle of the worst draught in it's history. We had a very dry winter last year, It only rained 3 times in our area. Usualy the winters here are very wet! [But allthough the winter was mild, we had the worst frosts in 40 years according to the local nursery lady. ]Summer was looking really bad at first. It was hot and very dry. There was no grass to mow and the trees were forcing themselves into an early autum just to try and survive. The ground was turning into dry dust in places and we were on level 5 water restrictions. No garden hoses at all, no topping up/filling swimming pools etc.

The weather was a big prayer point!

Then,I don't know about other parts of Australia, but in NSW the past two weeks have looked like the pictures below nearly every day! It has thundered & rained almost every day on and off, and it is awesome!! It really is just awesome!

Thanks God :o)

On Sunday [yesterday] i sat in church feeling crap for being there. As i've said before, i struggle with alcohol. Well not all alcohol, but some labels [Not pointing any fingers at Jim Beam!] I've struggled through the past few weeks and i've drunk a lot. The drinking keeps me from a healthy relationship with God. I still look to him and ask for help, to be brutaly honest, just waiting for him to miraculously take the desire away. I know now that's extreemly unrealistic and it was my way of putting the responsibility on God instead of accepting the responsibility myself. So i go to church and reach out to God through the singing and the sermon, and then i go home and act like a spoilt brat. Still reaching to god with my hand and at the same time, stomping my feet!

Yesterday while sitting in church, God told me that i need to do with Jim Beam, What others do with fasting. I need to go without, but go without for God, not for me. And whenever i feel the need to have a drink, spent time praying and/or reading the bible and reading about his promises for my life. He made me believe, that if i do this, and in his name, i will succeed.

I claim that promise in the name of Jesus Christ! I waited on him and he did come through. As always, not the way i expected :o)