Wow, i can't believe it's been over a year since i've been here! Stuff has happened between God and i, and i've thought about writing about it here. But i just haven't been as committed to this blog as i have some of my others. Is that a reflection on my walk with God, where it's at and my priorities? Honestly...maybe :o/
When i write here, i feel closer to God. So i will step it up a bit.

This post will be about Alix, My oldest daughter....

 Alix left our home when she was 14, to go and live with her Dad in another state [her choice]. Alix had always been a demanding, whiny, draining and rebellious kid And we constantly butted heads. Hence our relationship has always been strained.
When she went away, i worried. God made me a promise though, that she would come back, things would be different, and for the better.
I struggled at times to have faith in that promise. To cut a long story short, Alix had a relationship with a man 3 times her age, quit school, started living on the city streets - sleeping in shop exits. Begged for drug,booze & food money. Mutilated her face by deeply cutting it up in a drunken stupor. Slept with anyone who'd have her, and got pregnant to who knows who.
She asked me if i'd take the baby. She wanted to move back home, have the baby and leave it here. Then move back to the city, alone. At first John and i said we would. But then we changed our minds because of various reasons.

Alix moved home and she was different. Confused, scared and a little disorientated, but overall she had changed for the better. A bit quieter, not so easy to anger and a bit easier to reason with. Another big change was in me. I had had enough time away from her where i had developed patience with her. It was like God had helped me to see the heart in her that he sees, and for the first time in her life, i can appreciate her to some degree, and actually enjoy being with her half the time. Things are still tender, but defiantly on a healing road. Like a seemingly dead plant with a fresh, new green sprout coming up from the roots!

I think the baby has a big part to do with it too. Because he's something that i can relate to her with. And he is something she needs me with. So he is like a bonding gel that God has used to bring us back together.

I can not put into words how grateful to God i am for this awesome situation! Like a mother hen with her chickens all gathered together, i feel complete as a mother.
So many nights i lay in bed and wondered if God really was going to move on the situation. But he would whisper to me, repeating his promise. I would confide in him that even though i wasn't sure, i would lay all the faith i had out to him and trust him with it.
I see now that Alix had to go through all that crap. She has an extreme personality and had to experience extreme things.
When she came home, she said how she loved being here where she knew she was loved and wanted. Something she had forgotten, living on the streets where people only 'loved' you when you had something they wanted.
Since she's been home, she's been going to church and bible study etc, and soaking it all up.

Over the last two weeks, she's had to go to the next town for blood tests etc due to complications with the pregnancy and she's been feeling quite vulnerable, open and raw. We've spent a lot of close traveling time together and had some awesomely open conversations that i thought we'd never have! I've gotten to know different aspects of Alix and I've seen more of myself in her at that age than i thought was possible. At the same time, she's realised that she can trust me enough to talk about personal things that she didn't think she could before.
It's all just so awesome, and i can't express my gratitude enough!

Two weeks ago we went on a holiday to the Gold Coast. While there we went to a TimeZone [a game arcade place] and there was one of those pain-in-the-butt claw machines full of Nintendo characters. Well, Luigi from Mario Bros is Jasons fav all time game character. Followed closely by Mario. Jason wanted one of those toys SOOOOOOO bad that he prayed earnestly to God that he would get one from the machine that day.
Well he didn't win one, John didn't win one for him, and i couldn't win one. But Rose, using her own money, won him not only a Luigi, but a Mario as well.
That was a great lesson for Jason, and i hope he remembers it!
If we ask God for something, he will answer. He knows the desires of our hearts and wants us to be happy. And he usualy doesn't answer in the way we think he will, and if his answer is in our favour, more abundantly than we expect.

I'm sure God was smiling on this face :o)

I have a few Christian themed T-shirts that i wear for what i call "token evangelism". I didn't wear any to work for the first 6 weeks as it's a close environment and i wanted people to see me as the relatively easy going, every day person i am rather than be afraid to speak to me at all because i look like a bible basher.
I wore my shirt with the above print a week ago. People were a little taken back by it and most tried to pretend they hadn't even seen it, even though i knew they had just read it [either that or a lot of people checked out my boobs carefully that day lol] And i came home happy to know that i'd let people know i was a Christian without a word being said about it.
Then i went back to wearing my usual one liner T-Shirts.
Today i wore the Christian shirt again. Just before the first break i said a little prayer in my head, "Please God, people should feel easy enough around me now. Let my shirt stir curiosity and let people feel comfortable and willing to bring up the subject of you and let me have the right words to answer them."
Then we went to our break and afterwards i moved to a new item to pack [Coz i was bored with the previous item. We do it a lot] Less than 5 minutes into it, the woman [about 21yo] next to me [who i've only spoken to briefly once before, and about the town tart] said to me, "Have you heard of Hillsong?" I said i had and i'd been there once. And she said " I grew up in Hillsong. My parents pushed that way of life onto me so much that now i just don't want anything to do with it." I said " What do you have the most problem with?" And she said "Well for starters, i just don't get the 10 commandments. They are impossible to keep." And i started with "Ok well that's where Jesus comes in......." And the lady packing behind me started listening in too, but tried not to look too obvious.

I was really surprised at how quickly that all happened. I'm still a bit taken back by it.
Thanks God, for the opportunity. That was awesome and i can see a few doors opening there! WooHooooooo!!!

At my new job i have had a bit of juvenile trouble from another woman who calls herself a Christian. I spoke to a couple of women in the church about it and one suggested that it might be a case of Satan using her to rob me of my joy of working. Satan doesn't want me in a position to grow as a person so he'll jab into my side where he can.
The other woman said that when our circumstances change, so do the attacks.

Yesterdays church message was about believing we are how God sees us. We read/hear the words, but do we believe them in our every day life?
Friday at work was hard for me. I came home absolutely spent! So this morning, on the way to work, i prayed that i would see myself how he does and i would have a great day at work and have joy in it.

...then it was bloody horrible!!! It was a great day till after lunch. Then i got moved to the beginning of the production line, packing meat that was sticking together, into boxes that were moving too fast. I kept fighting to keep the boxes still while the box guy was pushing them harder along, despite my please for him to slow down. I asked my supervisor to move me to a less speedy spot, but he dismissed my request and told me to deal with it.
Cutting a long story short i ended up letting my boxes get away from me and i got overwhelmed and started crying out of frustration.
I told the supervisor i was going to the loo and i walked away.
I sat in the bathroom till i composed myself and i called John so he could make me feel better, which he did :o) I felt really stupid and defeated. Everyone else was able to do the job so why couldn't i keep up?
I walked back into the factory [where everyone now knew i'd been crying and i'd run off]
and i apologised to my supervisor. He gave me the job of breaking up boxes and helping the packers. Some of the women were not happy at my "Princess fit" and made no effort to hide it.
I couldn't wait for the day to be over when i could just run home to the safety of my family and cry into my pillow.

But after i left work and had time to think about the situation, I realised that even though what i felt there today was horrible and the events that led to it were yucky, it was actually a good thing. God heard my prayer and was working on it before i had even finished asking. Satan heard my prayer as well, and done his best to make me fail. He wanted me to feel the frustration and be overwhelmed. He wanted me to feel like a failure and use the little window i had to quit and walk away. Away from the job and back to being a bored housewife with feelings of personal financial inadequacy.

So if he's going to go to all that effort to sabotage my new life, What God has planned for me must be REALLY awesome!!! WoooHooooooo!!!

From that horrible spiritual place i was at only a month ago, My life has had a complete turn around.
I leaned on God and refused to let go through my darkest hour, and he has and is working wonders in my life!
Little things here and there. The best way to discribe it is, it feels like new little baby branches reaching for the sun in between the old familiar branches. They'll eventualy get larger and stronger than the old branches, and the old branches will gradualy be in the distant shade.

Thank you God, for never leaving me. For always being what you promised.

I really love this picture! lol

At church this morning i went up the front for prayer after the service. The service was about us being as close to God as we chose. And i know i shut Jesus out a bit. It's always unintentional until i look back on the situation.
As our paster prayed for me, God showed him that i close him [Jesus] out. In fact, sometimes i shut and lock the door. And stand behind the door so Jesus can't get in at all!
Our paster prayed for me to be more open to getting closer to God.
Then afterwards, The pasters wife told me that there had been a prophecy about me. Apparently this will be a big year of growth for me. And i will go from being a follower to being a leader in the church.
At the moment, that kinda freaks me out. But I trust Gods word, and look forward to seeing this unfold :o)

We have a black cat called Lotus, who is 12 years old. He is regarded as "King of the pets" in our house. To us humans anyway.
We've had a lot of other animals in the 12 years [who didn't make it]. And he's had to fight each one of them for his place on the family social ladder. Now he's just given up.
At the moment we have a 5yo pug called Princess, A 2yo tabby called Peppy [girl]. and a 1yo orange cat called Mr. Marbles.
Peppy seems to think she is the house defender. She's the one out there fighting off the strays. But unfortunately this has left her with a bit of a nervous disorder, where she is on edge and ready to fight all the time. She even sprays "her territory". Isn't that bizarre for a girl??
Mr. Marbles is a very naughty teenager cat, who's just always looking for trouble in the form of something to pounce on, or something to grab and play with.
Princess wants to be the first in line for everything. Pats, food and treats. No-one gets anything before her!
Lotus used to be a fighter, but he just doesn't have it in him anymore.
The last house we lived in, there was a kid who used to torment him and do mean things to him. That kinda caused him to go into his shell.
Then we moved here 5 years ago and Lotus sorta moved in under the house. He only came out when no-one else was around, to have a bit of dinner.
Then one of our cats got run over. Apparently he must of been Lotus's , because Lotus started coming out a bit more after he was gone.
But then Peppy started beating him up and chasing him, and Mr. Marbles started copying her. Princess would think there was some action going on that she was missing out on, so she'd start chasing too [didn't matter what, just in the general direction everyone else was going lol] I would yell at them and throw things at them when i caught them about to pounce on him. But then they just started using intimidation tactics [did you know animals did that???] like butt sniffing while he was eating to make him feel uncomfortable. They'd chase him out of our room where he liked to sleep etc. Lotus is old and just can't keep up. So they see him as an easy target.
Needless to say, he disappeared under the house again for a while.
Then it dawned on me one night to pray for him. To pray that he would stick up for himself a bit more. Or for the other animals to lay off him.
Then two nights after i prayed, Lotus reappeared. And things seem to be different. I haven't seen him run past me with Peppy hot on his tail. And i haven't seen the other cats bother him while he eats. And one day, while Lotus was sleeping in our room, i saw Peppy run out. Excellent :o)
That was 2 weeks ago.
Sometimes it's hard to remember that God cares about our pets too. But i'm glad he does :o)

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Ha Ha, you thought i would've posted about something else! Yea you :oÞ

Before we even got to the Gold coast for our holiday, and to pick Alix up, Alix decided that she didn't want to come home, but that she wanted to stay at her fathers. Then she said she wasn't sure what she wanted to do.

When i first saw Alix, she had barely changed! She was still my baby girl. I would never have known she'd been defilled :o(

She has settled down a lot though, within herself. She's matured a bit and is not so excitable. She tested waters by saying various things, and i just knew what to say to everything. It was awesome!

She's going to stay in Brisbane untill the end of the school year, but for tonight she is staying with us. We are going to watch "Mean girls" and talk and stuff. I found a laptop, so i thought i'd add this post while i'm still excited about Gods promise to let everything fall into place at the right time.

Thanks God for knowing everything and for really being in charge :o)

In regards to the post a few days down, about how i can see God's handy work in preperation for Alix's return, I forgot to mention this;
God has also enabled me to see that i'm not only not a bad parent, but that i'm actualy a pretty good mum.
When we meet or hear of a troubled kid who acts out a lot, we automaticaly assume that child has come from a troubled home. A home where they are being neglected of attention and affection. I'm guilty of assuming that myself when i meet other rotten kids.
And people have always assumed that of Alix. In fact, we've NEVER been able to get Alix the counciling and medical attention she desprately needs. Because EVERYONE just assumes that all Alix needs, is a few hugs, encouragement, and positive reinforcement.
I have 2 other children who are very happy, well adjusted and stable.
I've always tried to treat my kids the same.
And yet i just believed what the general attitude was. I felt like a bad mother, a failure, because all my efforts to raise Alix right were fruitless.
In the time that Alix has been away, i've had the time to really see my two other children.
I didn't realise untill now, just how much time i was spending on Alix, and in turn, neglecting my other two. The past eight months have been spent really getting to know them and enjoying them. They are great kids with a great sense of humour. Awesome talents and great schooling habits. I knew all this before, but it was more of a relief because i didn't have to worry about them at the same time as worrying about Alix.
I look at these two wonderful kids and i realise something i've never allowed myself to entertain in my mind - I'm a good mum. I really am a good mum. I might not be a sports mum who enrolls her kids into every sport. And i might not be active with the P&C school commitee.
But i respect my children, i listen to them, & i welcome their ideas and viewpoints.
I encourage them to be the best people they can be, both at home, and in the communitee.
We are affectionate with each other. Rose isn't a kissy huggy person, but she likes har back rubbed and her hair played with. Jason loves kisses & cuddles, and sitting close on the couch.
Jason likes collecting little rocks and Rose can't throw out any piece of paper.
We play together and i'd drop whatever i'm doing to read them a story book.
I'm doing my best to raise happy little soldiers for God, who will see God as a loving father, rather than a big judge with a big stick.
I am a good mum, and i know that when Alix comes home, how i deal with her will now be motivated more by fairness and love, rather than guilt.

I couldn't see any of this before, but with Alix gone, God has let me see.

Thanks God :o)
*
(BTW "Parenthood" is one of my favourite all time movies :o)

I've been trying to find the post regarding God's promise to heal our family during Alix's absense, but i can't find it. Maybe i didn't add it or save it :o/

Well, God promised me that he would use this time apart to heal our hearts, if we would just trust him. He assured me that when Alix comes back, things will be different.

Well i have leaned into God, and i do trust that things will be different. Things will be different.

John has not. He has escaped into the world of computer gaming, rather than spending this time giving his issues regarding Alix to God, and letting God sorting them out with him.

John is emotionaly no better off in regards to Alix, than what he was the day she left. I worry about that. But i have to give that to God as well.

Bit by bit i can see God's awesome plan unfolding in preperation for Alix's return, as promised.

*Rose And Jason have blossomed into their own beings with confidence [Rather than just being what Alix allowed them to be, through intimidation] And they have formed some kind of freindship with each other.

*My heart has healed from Alix's constant trampling on it. It is stronger and fitter, and ready to start again :o)

*Our church has a few new girls Alix's age who are tomboys, like Alix. Before there were only "girly" girls. And even though they were freinds with Alix, Alix couldn't relate a great deal to them and vice versa.

* I have made some new freinds at church who met me before they met Alix. Usualy people meet Alix, who is full on at any time, or hear of Alix, before they meet me. And people just assume that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

So i have had the chance to form great freindships, and maybe gain support for the future.

*When Alix returns, she will be going to the local high school. A year ago, every kid who was her arch enemy went to this school. Now all but one have left.

* Because of the incident with Peter, and the allowed lifestyle she's been living while being at her fathers, Alix has tasted what the world has to offer. And she doesn't really like it.

These are the things i've seen so far, and i'm very excited! God is awesome! AWESOME!!!!!

This revelation of forgiving Peter, and telling him that, and why, has become apparent even more by the fact that i rang the correctional centre this morning where he is being held. Apparently he has been trying to hurt himself. When i heard that, i felt genuine empathy. This man doesn't know God, and he needs him in his life as soon as possible. It's become obvious to me that i'm the one God wants to take God to him.
Peter is very anti-God, so i will wait on God to tell me what to write.

I am still overwhelmed by the fact that last night i hated this man, and i just wanted to smack him around a bit. My sister and I had a conversation where we would both go to the trial and try to bribe the police into letting us have just 10 minutes in the watch house with Peter before the trial to mess him up a bit.And today i want to help him heal. I find that very bizzare, so i can't imagine what you, the reader, must think!

Thanks God, for giving me the ability to WANT to honour you :o)

Saving yourself untill you are married - This battle has been lost for my beautiful 14yo daughter, Alix.
She was in respite care [because she has aspergers and is a handful to live with] every second weekend while staying with her dad in Brisbane. A 46yo guy at that respite has been sexualy abusing my daughter over the past month. He manipulated her into thinking she loves him and he loves her. The day before yesterday he was arrested with 31 charges against him. And he should get 20-30 years in prison. The full story is here.
When my ex-husband first called me to tell me, I was a mess! I've tried very hard over the years to instill into my children the importance of waiting untill you are married. But she seemed so happy to give it away without a second thougt. She doesn't regret it. Maybe she will later on, i dont know.
God has given me an unbelievable amount of strength and assurance through all this!
He has assured me that this is all part of his plan. Even though this has been tragic for all involved, it is all part of the big picture, and i believe him. If i had of posted this blog entry a few days ago, it would have been a spiritualy strong post...but i have fallen.
Now that the original shock has subsided, it's getting harder. As bizzare as it sounds, i feel as though i have been violated too some how. I'm usualy a happy, jolly person who sees the lighter side of everything. I don't take things seriously as all unless i absolutely HAVE to. [I spent years carefully perfecting that!] And this pain inside me is sucking the very joy out of my heart! I am feeling an overwhelming sense of hopelessness & dispair, and the last thing on my lips is a smile.
I keep ringing her to ask her stuff that i just need to know. [Luckily she feels comfortable telling me] I need to know if she enjoyed it. I need to know if she gave him oral sex, and if she enjoyed that etc. All these disguting details that i don't want to know, yet feel the need to ask.
Alix feels as if she can go through the process of moving on now, Because the hard part is over for her. But i've just learnt about it, and i'm still at the tormented stage.
I feel so emotionaly crippled, and there's just no-one to talk to about it who can offer advise on how to move past it.
I still believe it's all part of Gods awesome plan. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, but i know it's there.
I keep praying, "Lord, please take this debilitating pain away from me!" And yet somehow, i know he wants me to feel it through - Run it's course. He has a plan for this pain.
So i'll just have to trust in him, lean toward him, and let him walk me through it on his terms.
I'm glad he knows what he's doing, coz right now, i can't even plan dinner properly!

*

God, Please let this pain be dealt with quickly.

In regards to the June 25th post, about the Christian guy that loathes me, On Sunday i was absolutely FLOORED when HE approached me and started a conversation!!! He talked so much that i could barely get a word in! Not that i couldn't have spoken if i wanted to, because my jaw was stuck to the floor lol. John, who was standing next to me, was pretty flabagasted as well. When the guy in question walked away, i just turned toward John and gave thanks to God.
Much to the amusement of the woman behind us, who had no idea what was going on, and it would have looked like i was calling John, God, and praying to him lol

I believe this turn around wouldn't have happened if i hadn't asked God to intervene. This guy and i have been staying out of each others way for 2 years with no variation, and as soon as i give it to God, things do an about face within 3 weeks!

Thanks God for being so awesome! And for reminding me to give things to you first, before trying to fix it myself. Thanks for hearing my prayer and answering it quickly. I don't know what you whispered to this guy or how you worked with his heart, but i'm very grateful for the knowledge that YOU are in control of everything. NOT us! :o)

* Picture came from this site

The person i am on the inside, is in total disorder at the moment. The above picture is exsactly how i feel! But it's a FAN-DIDDLY-TASTIC thing!!

I've had encounters since this post, Where i'm realising that elements of me are not what i thought, or they are no longer there. Things that i thought made up big parts of who i am, are being "removed" or shuffled around again. So i feel like there are still big bits of me that i'm sure of, but there are all these gaps in between. Like God is using me as a big slide puzzle, and he's controling the pieces. He's cleaning house.

So every day i'm feeling like i'm Incomplete in a sense, but it feels awesome, and i CAN'T WAIT to see the end product of this phase in my walk!

I was talking to a freind tonight about my clutter problem. I am one of those pack rats that can't throw anything out. And it's getting a bit worse each year. God has addressed it with me, in This post here.

The weird thing is, after God showed me the truth about this issue, And i saw what to do. The next day i didn't know anymore. I don't know how to explain that except maybe like this....

God opened a mental door, and through it i could see another room, a different, better room. Then out of the blue, Satan slammed it shut. Then i couldn't remember what was in the next room.

Mentaly i tasted honey, and went back to tasting dirt.

I didn't put a lot of thought into it untill tonight when i was talking about it. Now it's bothered me and i have to deal with it. I'm going to bed now, so i'll talk to "Dad" about it :o)

Back to the Alix saga, [I could write a movie out of this!] Things are going from bad to worse for Alix. Her tantrums and rebelion are getting more violent and making less sense. Sometimes it's easier for me to babble on about the things that Alix does, rather than stay focused on God's promise to lead her [and the rest of the family] through it.
I got a phone call early this morning, telling me she'd run away through the night. No-one knew where she was heading or how long she'd been gone. As she's in a big city, that's kinda scary!
I had to go into the next town for some work related stuff. I sat in an underground carpark and just thought about Alix. And God asked me if i trust him. I didn't even have to think about that. Yes i do trust him, and he seems to be giving me the ability to trust him more than i as a human can.
Again, i had to make a choice. Am i going to look at this situation in a worldly way, and chose to hang on to the worry and doubt? Or am i going to hand the whole thing [not just some bits] to him, and let him deal with it as he sees fit? Can i stand back and trust him when God is bringing Alix to her knees in order to get past her pride, and reach her? Can I?

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Yes.